BPDFamily.com

Genuine question.

My pwBPD has had about 6 sessions of DBT, it's taken a long time to arrange this and I do understand it's a long hard road for him and I keep my 'expectations' realistic.

I have been off work for about 3 months after accepting the stress that his condition was triggering in me. I have been receiving my own therapy and a combination of that and using mindfulness has helped me to come to terms with just how difficult it is to live with a partner with BPD and to accept the reality of what I can and can't do to help my partner and more importantly how to look after my own well being.

Last week we had quite an open conversation whereby he wanted to share with me how his therapy was progressing and what he was learning. It all seemed positive of course, however my having now returned to work (and this often means being away from home for a few days) I hear from a neighbour that last night he was horribly drunk and I have no idea what I am returning to this evening.

Of course I am disappointed but really not sure how I feel? Perhaps I anticipated this might happen as although he cannot see it he really does have issues with 'separation' and an inability to self- soothe. He only told me the othe day how he realised that using alcohol to deal with his emotions was something he understood was only going to lead to more problems, but of course 'Mr Hyde' appears to have taken control again.

I think maybe it's best to leave all of this to his therapist and whilst not being unkind to detach again after all I know this pattern of behaviour and that comorbidity of alcohol abuse is such a destructive combination with BPD.

I think I am increasingly aware that it is the use of Alcohol that upsets me most but of course I am powerless over that.

Any views?

Hey ortac77, What is your question?  I'm unsure . . .

What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?

Fill us in, when you can.

LJ

Checking back in, Ortac.  Now I see your question:  Does therapy make it worse?

I doubt there's an easy answer to that question because everyone's situation is a little different when it comes to therapy.

As a general matter, I don't see any downside to therapy, but perhaps your experience leaves you thinking otherwise?  There's no magic bullet, of course, and those w/BPD can be highly resistant to treatment, even hostile towards it.

Fill us in, when you can.

LJ

Can you expand on this a bit?

I think I know what you mean... .but want to confirm before I offer any further comments.

It is critical that the "nons" understand their power and how best to "wield" that power.

FF

I'm not sure this is exactly the same situation as yours, ortac77, but I happen to think that certain therapeutic / counceling scenarios CAN make things "worse" in two distinct ways:

The "Good" Way: a good T can make things challenging for a pwBPD. They can bring to light issues that the pwBPD would rather not see. The real test of a pwBPD's resolve is their willingness to stick with this T, and unfortunately, all too often this is when the pwBPD runs.

The "Bad" Way things get "worse": A less-than-successful T can sometimes validate delusional thinking in a pwBPD, thereby taking the pwBPD further away from their supposed goal of recovery. I say supposed because, many times, the pwBPD aren't actually there to get "better," but even if they did genuinely come to get better, pwBPD can be VERY persuasive.

I suspect that in your case, if you DO perceive it getting worse, the "Good" reason might be in play. I've lived through both with my pwBPD and she's currently in the "Bad" way I'm afraid.

Thanks for the replies.

I think Daddybear might be right here and that the 'good way' is in play at the moment i.e. the therapy is bringing up things that are challenging and difficult for my pwBPD.

In turn this is also challenging me and I need to get better at supporting but at the same time knowing when to stand back and allow him to manage his condition and just 'mind my own business'.



On the plus side I did not return home to chaos, aware that he had consumed alcohol on top of his anti-psychotic medication he had in fact presented himself to the local hospital and later had a telephone consultation with his therapist - quite a sensible thing to do.  We were even able to have a sane and balanced conversation about what had happened although he still has trouble understanding the 'triggers' that caused it.

I realise that perhaps I was overreacting to the situation (my stress in play) and on the whole just need to 'breathe/relax' and accept that as long as I manage my expectations, that the therapy will take a long time, prove challenging to my pwBPD but is worthwhile and that I must make sure that I maintain similar support for myself.