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My Dad died yesterday. Painlessly in a Hospice. I'd seen him the day before. As two members of my family have a PD, they appear only concerned about the practicalities, and getting out of doing things. Do people with a PD grieve for the person who’s died or for themselves ?  My mom just spoke more about what she wanted at her funeral, than her dead husbands. Any tips on dealing with all this ?

I am sorry for your loss Happy Chappy.

If my mother grieved when my father died, it must have been in a way I didn't recognize because I saw no signs of it.

She can't even identify with my grief. If I mention it she usually says things that are so cruel to me I can't even write them. She still complains about having to go through his belongings and yet didn't let he kids do it.



Advice? Focus on you and your grief. Get support for others - not her. She's going to react to this in her own way. I don't know if she will grieve or not, but if she dies it may not be in a way we know as grief.

I too am very sorry for your loss HappyChappy

Losing a parent can often be very tough, I am glad you were able to see him the day before though.

I think people with BPD can also feel genuine grief, yet as with expressions of love, they might not always be able to express their feelings in a way that appears as grieving on the outside.

I have no tips other than being mindful of your own feelings as you go through this and allow yourself to grieve.

Take care my friend

Hi HappyChappy,

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you got to see your dad the day before he died. Something similar happened to me when I lost my dad, and I was grateful for that phone call the day before.

I agree with  C<||| Kwamina and  C<||| Notwendy: Be gentle with yourself and your feelings during this time. Your family members may not be able to cope in a way that makes sense to you. That makes it hard to be around them and listen to their preoccupations. If you need some time out for yourself, I hope you'll take it.

heartandwhole

 I'm sorry for your loss,  HC.

Can't say much about the others, maybe they grieve in their own ways.  Seems like it's invalidating you?

 Hi HappyChappy, also sorry for your loss.
I think they do grieve, but as with all other emotions they cannot handle their own feelings. So they squash it down, and it comes out in odd and angry ways. It's a really sad way to go through life I'm sure. I believe they have all the same feelings as other human beings, but it is so utterly disturbing to them that they go immediately into shock, denial and defenses. Their own feelings are debilitating for them.
Blessings to you Brother! 

(https://whatsyourgrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/FI-sympathy-card.jpg)

Panda39

HC,

Our heart and prayers are with you.

Skip

The N/BPD in my life goes the other direction, over-dramatizing her grief, becoming somber every year at the anniversary of her loved ones death, and then using her grief as an excuse when she lashes out or treats people like poop.  At first I wasn't sure if it was cultural.  But the rest of her family is nothing like this.  And they barely have any patience for her when she gets overdramatic.

I am very sorry about your loss.

In my experience (DH 'low functioning' DBPD & Mother-In-Law (MIL)  'high functioning' UBPD as well as UNPD).

My DH had only one sibling - a sister who passed last year at age 35 and unexpectantly. 

My DH grieved in a way a NonBPD individual would say was 'normal' (ie: crying, shock, sitting in disbelief for days).  He was inward but also respected my grief (I knew my SIL for 10 years).

My MIL's initial reaction was dramatized for a few minutes and then she immediately began the organizing.  She always directed attention towards herself, always talking about the passing as if she was the only one suffering.  DH would cry and say "Mum.  I miss my Sister", MIL would not console her son but instead interrupt and say "How do you think I feel she was my daughter, my daughter!"

In my experience, they both suffer from BPD in very different ways and to me, it seems to be related with Low vs High Functioning as well as whether they also have NPD too.

Hi HappyC.  I am sorry to hear about your father.  I remember how much you wanted to be able to see your dad and I am glad that you were able to do so before he died.

Advice?  Just to let your mother and brother be who they are.  If they are self-centered and incapable of seeing others during more 'normal' times, they will be the same way, if not worse, in more difficult times. 

More importantly, focus on you and honoring yourself and your grief. 

You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

I'm sorry for your loss HappyChappy. I'm glad you saw your Dad the day before he passed and hope that brings you some comfort at this sad time, it did for me. 

WDx

Hi HappyChappy,

I'm sorry for your loss, others have already mentioned to focus on you, take really good care of yourself

I'm so very sorry about your loss.  My thoughts and prayers are with your.   

I would have to say it could go either way.  I think if the deceased was a caretaker in some regard (emotionally or financially), the pwBPD might grieve more for themself and their loss.  I guess death is a form of abandonment for even nons, but more so for those with BPD.  I think it can be more common to grieve for the deceased when they are younger and died too early.  When the deceased is a non, and is elderly, frail and in ill health, I think the grieving is more on the part of living for themselves.

It would be nice for you mom to honor your dad's wishes about his funeral, but probably not worth battling over.  I tend to think that funerals are more for the benefit of the survivors, as opposed to the deceased.

My parents died within 4 months of each other.  Fortunately, I'd been able to steer clear of working with my uBPD sister on anything important for many years. But circumstances threw us together in a very unpleasant way. 

My means of survival was to try and go with the flow. While our parents were both hospitalized, I'd already seen that I was in a "no-win" situation with my sister.  If I seemed to defer to my sister about some decision, my sister would say "I didn't care". If my opinion on something didn't match hers, a phone conversations would generally end by my sister abruptly hanging up in mid conversation.

Since my sister had her church pastor lead the graveside burials, and most of the attendees were her church friends, I felt the services were more about what my sister wanted. In the big scheme of things, I decided to just go with the flow.  Some decisions, like the coffin choice were rather easy and without conflict.  Others, were a bit of a pain in the rear, but I deferred to what my sister wanted. 

I prepared the pamphlets for the service and the main photo posters.  It was tough to please my sister, but it was easier to keep adjusting things to get what appeared to her as "perfection", than to debate.  In some ways, going through family photos, editing them and going through the creative process of making the pamphlets seemed to be a bit therapeutic for me (at least to a point).  The grave markers became a big deal for my sister. 

I guess my advice would be that it is best to be the one displaying the higher emotional intelligence.  Your father would probably prefer to not have disputes over his funeral.  You still have to interact with you mom, after the funeral. 

Hi happychappy

I'm very sorry to learn of your news. We all grieve in different ways and it's not just an easy split between PD or non-PD behaviours. It's far more complex and there's no right way or wrong way.

My advice is just roll with your own emotions, stay true to yourself and not question others but accept (if you can) that you all loved him, sharing grief is a way to heal. If that just isn't possible, there's a way forwards for yourself.

I say this from my heart as I've my own family experiences so I know what you're going through.

Be gentle with yourself and everyone else if possible.

LP

Happychappy,

I am sorry for your loss and I am hoping you will find the peace of mind to grieve.
I understand your question about BPD and grieving, I have wondered about that myself. I did not find the answer though.
Most important person now is you. Maybe it does not really matter if other people are grieving and in which way. What matters is you, and how you deal with everything.

Take good care of yourself.
xx

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It really does help.
 
My BPDm is asking each of us what we want at the funeral, then telling each of us that we disagree with each other, then just doing something completely different to all of our wishes. It’s so transparent, but doesn’t bother me any more. Winds my sister up some.  It is odd, that even at times like this, they are still playing games.

My Dad was the most honest and ethical man I ever got close up too. And his wife was the opposite.

Hi HappyC.  I've been wondering how you are and how things are going so thanks for posting. 

Your BPDm will do what she will do and I would be surprised if your father were not aware that something like that would happen.  Not that it makes things any better or easier to deal with but like someone said above, funerals are more for the living.  I am glad you are not getting caught up in her game.

There is nothing wrong with doing something on your own with your family and friends and/or with your sister that would honor your father in the way you would like.  Have a gathering at his favorite place, or do something he loved to do, anything that you associate with your father can be used to honor the man he was and the man you so obviously admired.

When my mother died, I was willing to let my father and brother do what they needed to do.  they had a different relationship with her and had a very different view of death than I have.  I had no problem honoring that while knowing I would do what felt right for me in my own way and on my own time.

So have a beer at his favorite pub, rent his favorite movie, listen to the music he loved, burn sage or have a weenie roast.  Do whatever feels right for you.
 

Oh HC, here is a hug for you. 

I am sorry for the sadness you must certainly feel, yet I am glad that you saw him before he died. In the days to come, it will be something that will help to comfort you.

As I think about your question, I remember my mom when my grandpa died, her father. She was devastated, then somehow managed to get through being the executor of his estate. After that though, she stepped into the mode of self soothing by putting the rest of her family on the black list, and she was not in contact with any of them up until she died some 35 plus years later.

I think that the pwBPD self sooths in any manner that works for them and is comfortable, and that may be how they get through grief. Think of how difficult it is for us children of a BPD to discover our feelings. Next to impossible, yet as we step on to the recovery road, we do begin to understand our feelings and champion them. Sadly the BPD is able to exude feelings but struggles to regulate in any manner.

Feel all that you can and allow whatever grief comes your way. I grieved when my mom and dad died, and it is a journey of its own. Keep in touch.

Another hug for you. 

 
Wools