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It was my first race in 6 months, and something that I only did because a group of friends from work were also running and encouraged me. I don't know if any of you are runners, but truly racing a 5K is respected as a legit challenge. It's short enough to be taken at an aggressive pace, and long enough to be extremely painful if you are doing so. :) I have been a runner for a long time and have always used the 5K as a measure of fitness gearing up for other events. I wasn't sure until I crossed the starting line if I was going to "race", or if I was going to "participate". Big difference, LOL.

Adrenaline got the best of me and at some point I decided to go for broke just to see where I was at. I definitely got down to my painface. I finished a couple minutes shy of my PR, but it's an effort I'm proud of nonetheless considering my recent lack of training. So why am I here blabbing about this on a BPD support board?

BECAUSE I FELT LIKE MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS! At some point in all of this, I stopped really running. Sure, I had to rehab an injury post failed marathon training cycle. Yeah, the weather over the winter was wretched. But at some point, it was one more sacrifice on the alter of this relationship and BPD. One more thing that I stopped doing because I no longer had the time, energy, or emotional bandwidth. Sure, I'd get out and jog a half hearted few miles, but training? FORGET ABOUT IT.

THAT NEEDS TO STOP. When I crossed that finish line and almost dropped to my knees, completely spent with the satisfying effort of truly testing myself physically and emotionally, I realized how much I need to stop neglecting myself and what I need.

So let's start a thread... .what are YOU doing to make sure that you have an outlet? That you are doing something for yourself? What feeds YOUR spirit?

I'd love to hear about it. Thanks for listening and understanding what this meant to me.

Nice. I've read many of your posts and it's great to hear of your progress.

Physical exercise isn't really just an option if you value your mental health. We were made to move.

Does watching 9 year olds compete in a 3k cross country race count?  :)

Of course JohnLove! Bonus points if you jogged on the side of the course or rushed to meet them at more than one point along the way. :)

I have been feeling a bit guilty about not having done anything I felt worthy of posting here, especially because I believe that Lalathegreat has hit upon something we should all strive to do and celebrate - self care that reminds us of who and how strong we are.  After all, a strong sense of self and emotional strength are the criteria for being able to help our BPD loved ones.

It wasn't until last night that I realized that I am doing something of that nature right now.  I am currently vacationing with my S18 and S14 - minus my BPDh.  This is something I agonized over for weeks.  I wanted to plan a vacation, but couldn't handle the idea of sharing vacation time, my kids, and probably a hotel bed with BPDh as things are.  Nor did I want to delay taking and treating my boys to a vacation until things were "better".  So I got some input from my boys on what they wanted to do, cleared the non-standard "custody" days I would be taking with BPDh, and booked 6 days in a place that the three of us have been enjoying enormously. 

I have been needing this vacation time, and it has been entirely relaxing without having to deal with BPDh. 

So who else has been practicing courageous self care?  Please share.

Woohoo BG - this makes me so happy!

Good News!
I often visit these pages here when I need to "check my compass" and make sure I'm not alone in the world of BPD. 

Thanks for the thread Lala!  I'm a runner so your post hit me in the right place.  I was excited about reading your great experience.  I have been a runner for so long it's part of me.  I say that running isn't something I do, rather, it's something I am.  I am very happy for you making a competitive effort in the 5K! And, I know the thrill of giving it all at the finish line. Great work!

Looking back at my history in marriage, I realize I used running as time away from my wife.  As a result, it also became my place to burn all the negative energy and anger - and it changed to my meditation time.  For so long, I remember trying to figure time to run so that it wouldn't impact my wife.  A while ago I broke free of that.  I think that was the beginning of the idea of "me time" - before I knew about mental health in those words.  It also gives me time for self care, and it's becoming more self care mentally than physically. 

At my pace these days, almost all my running is moving meditation.  I've gone so far past (below) the realm of PR, I don't track anymore. :)
 
I have been running barefoot for years now, which has been a whole new level of Zen enlightenment.  I still remember the preaching and judgement I got from my wife when I started barefoot running.  Although I can't follow her logic and what she means most of the time, I think she was preaching to me that barefoot was running was abuse and contrary to what Jesus wants us to do (I had said that I wanted to see how much I could do, how far I could go, what I could do - and that was sinful to her - or something.) (Sorry - that's a tangent and I don't really understand it, but it displeased her somehow).  But, sufficient to say, I kept going based on my body and bio feedback, which is very authentic for myself.   

So, cheers to all those who are doing what they feel right on the inside! 

I thought of another one this morning, but before I post it, I want to put some context around it to prevent misunderstanding.

I have a number of loved ones who are on a variety of antidepressants/anti-anxiety medications, and most likely will be for the rest of their lives.  I consider those medications a gift from God, as they have allowed people I love to manage medical conditions that would otherwise keep them from being what they were meant to be.  I also know the strength that it took many of them to reach out for help and overcome the stigma still placed around psychiatric medications.

I never struggled with anxiety or depression until the end of my affair.  I started having panic attacks and sustained anxiety that left me feeling completely crippled.  I honestly felt like (and resented the idea that) God was using the anxiety and panic attacks to force my hand.  In retrospect, I see that as a blessing.  I would consider what I was going through situational anxiety/depression and drew a distinction between that and the longer term disorders that I saw medications as a treatment for.

Even after I ended the affair, I was still plagued with panic and added in suicidal thoughts.  I resisted medication for quite a while, but eventually understood that it was necessary, at least for a time.  I got pregnant a few months later and tapered off, but whether through the residual effects of the previous situations or through the new pain of the miscarriage that followed, the suicidal thoughts returned and I went back on the medication.  I stayed on through 2 more miscarriages and all the heck that has gone on in my marriage since.  I played with the idea of going off the meds off and on, but never felt I could risk the return of the full force of the anxiety and depression I might face.

About 7 weeks ago I forgot to pack my pills for a business trip.  Even though life isn't exactly all sunshine and roses, I decided that this was my time to get off those meds.  Definitely not the ideal way to do so (cold turkey vs tapering), and not premeditated, but I felt a peace about doing it.  I have taken the relative lack of withdrawl symptoms as a gift from God, because several other situations (my husband starting to share suicidal ideation with our counselor, my dad being diagnosed with cancer, the things my dad has said that have hurt me deeply) have come up since I quit my meds and I've been able to cope. 

For me, this is a step towards feeling like I have returned to my true self - the self that didn't require medication to cope with hard situations.

Again, I want to emphasize that I don't think this is an "achievement" that others should aim for.  There are plenty of people in my life for whom medications are necessary and it takes more strength for them to continue on those medications than it did for me to quit. 
BeagleGirl

I've been thinking more about your post - and not just about the running aspect. 
Since I started getting back to me two years ago I have done things better, and against my uBPDw.

I made meatloaf last year. My wife doesn't like it, I do. We never had it (almost 19 years by then) in consideration for her wants.  I figured I had enough of tiptoeing around that, so I made a pretty good meatloaf.

I went to a friend's house with my kids.  A while back, a coworker invited us over for a get-together.  My wife predictably was hesitant, and then decided not to go.  I almost followed her lead like usual, but then I said to myself, "she feels bad, I don't" - so I took the kids and we had a great time.  Wow.

On my own, I took the kids to the aquarium, and the zoo, day trips, fishing, play dates, movies, lunches, shopping, daddy-daughter dates, we messed the house up in royal fashion building blanket forts, stayed up late (and went to bed early on occasion), and all without sanction from her.   

I did things for me too.  I ran a marathon, got a tattoo, started getting back into hobbies for me, and made other friends.  It really felt like she lost her grip on me about last year, maybe two years ago.  I've kept boundaries and advocated for myself - which is a huge step.

Unfortunately, the hidden message is that mom is irrelevant to my happiness, and me living my life, and my family, but, in the world my kids live in, maybe that's a needed message.

SAMWIZE! There's one of my people!   :) 

I knew somebody out there would know what I was talking about if I threw out something about an 8 mile tempo run, or slipped the word "fartlek" cleverly into a sentence. 

I have never managed to successfully make the transition into minimal shoes/barefoot training. I love the concept, but I have proven to be quite injury prone. Last year when I was doing my marathon training I bought a pair of Saucony Kinvaras for speedwork. They aren't "minimal" but are relatively low cushion and responsive. I loved them on the track so I started working them into longer runs as well and ended up completing a tune up half in them. After that race I began to notice some Achilles pain and ultimately ended up with a bad bout of tendinitis that ended up with me in a boot on the day of my race. The first DNS of my career - lame! I suppose it might be the high mileage weeks, but I can't rule out the shoes so I'm gunshy.

Anyways - good on you for taking control of your life. Your wife can join when/if she wants, in the meantime your children have a wonderful father who is letting them know that they can thrive in a home despite BPD.

And BG - that's HUUUUUGE! I competely understand. I am totally pro meds, but what an accomplishment to manage without where possible.