BPDFamily.com

I don't want to constantly air my dirty laundry, and it would be exhausting to give my loved ones running updates on the latest horrible thing my ex has done or said - but yesterday when I was trying to talk to my dad about something related to my ex husband (we have two small children together and are selling our house right now) my dad said: "You two have always had a hard time communicating." It made me so frustrated, because this is not as simple as "communication issues" - as you all understand very well. I also feel like to summarize it as such puts too much of the responsibility on me for our current state - I'm DONE taking equal responsibility when I now (after years of tying myself into knots) understand that so much of what destroyed our family is directly related to his problems, his patterns, his poor mental health.

Do your friends and family understand what it's like to go through this? Do you feel like it's important that they understand? If so, how have you articulated it?

I know part of the issue is that my parents are pretty conflict-avoidant and have a difficult time discussing intense emotions during the best of times. It's also really hard for them to see me unhappy and to feel like they can't do anything about it.

It's just so isolating to feel like the people who are my closest supporters also don't really get it (or don't want to?) - the aggression, the silent treatment, the punishment, what it feels like to be "painted black."

Literally just happened at lunch. One of my co-workers who was good friends with my ex was talking about her boyfriend. Someone asked her how long they've been together and she said 2 years this weekend. And then looked right at me and said "Right?" Well I, my ex, and her went down the shore 2 years ago and that's when she met him.

She literally has no idea the trauma I have suffered, and the emotional abuse. They don't really understand. If I explained it to her she might. But it's not my place to do that. I'm tired of everyone just thinking it was a mutual end to a relationship. They don't understand the idealization, devalue, and discard. They just don't get it. And they won't unless you go through it.

As an addendum. When I told my dad what really went on behind closed doors he was stunned. He thought we were perfect together, and that she had her head on her shoulders. When I told my boss, who also worked with all of us, she was absolutely floored. Then as she saw the recycle, and the reaching out she told me it mimicked a relationship she had before. So she understands it. Which makes me feel somewhat better. I don't know. It's something to hang my hat on. That we were all fooled by the external.

I cant speak to my mum and sister as they have absolutely no understanding. Ive tried to explain but they just brush it off as a form of depression. Just think shes a horrid person who behaves this way for the fun of it

My friend and work colleagues are more understanding. At first they would be a sympathetic ear but didnt really like the sound of her but when they met her they would say what a lovely person she was. They even read up on it themselves and understood a lot more. More than my family did

People don't understand

You are right... .they don't.

Thanks for the responses. It's helpful to hear that other people struggle with this - I'm not sure what it says about me that I feel the need to have others validate my experience. I guess partly that it's so crazy-making. I had to meet with my ex in person yesterday because he wouldn't respond to my emails about how we're going to split the money from the house sale. I basically had to sit there and listen to him berate me and talk about why - even though he is going along with what I'm asking - he's only doing it to "get rid of me" and not because my request as any merit. I tried to say something at one point and he got mad at me for "interrupting," etc etc. I know that it's not rational. I know that I'm not asking for anything unreasonable - I'm actually being incredibly generous with him. He's just in pain and can't process what he perceives as my abandonment. I get it, but it's still so exhausting. I don't tell people a fraction of what I'm going through because it feels like I'm on the #*&&*^# Maury Povich show. I hate it so much. I feel like I need external validation because part of me can't really believe that this is happening to me and that he's turned into this person, treating me the way he's treating me.

I got this all the time also. The Ex probably interrupted me just as much but I never said anything... .


This is very normal from what I have read and experienced.  People really just have no idea what a mental/emotional drain these relationships can be.  In my case 99% of friends feel I should be over her by now even though it has only been about 30 days of NC.  There is no way to make them understand.

Have you tried seeing a Counselor of some type to talk through all of it?

The main support I've found is talking to my BPD friend's mom, who 100% understands.  We can vent to each other, and we both know exactly where the other is coming from.  I'm a teacher, and I'm friends with the emotional support teacher.  She knows all about BPD, and she has been supportive.  She also knows my BPD friend (she worked there for a year), which helps.  Other than that, most people don't understand. 

Adastra,
   What you mentioned about your parents being "conflict avoidant" is very interesting. When you were a child did they just ignore or schluff off difficult but needed conversations?

Often we carry our family baggage into relationships with us. It looks like you attracted another person you cannot communicate with only in a different way.

It took me awhile to realize I stayed in my crappy relationship because I was ignored as a child. As an adult my mother would bring up things I did when I was five. I always heard "you are exactly like your father" who left our family to get away from my mother. Because of this I went through life feeling like I was bad, that I did something to deserve being abandoned and neglected emotionally. When my ex would go off on me for no reason I would apologize. I kept trying to "be better next time" I begged her to give me another chance... .while she was the one cheating and lying to me.

I wasn't doing anything to apologize for.

So I'm just curious if that is a part of the situation in your life. Second, don't expect people to get this unless they've been there. If it weren't for this site I'm not sure what I'd do. I was so obsessed with why she left I couldn't stop talking about it. After awhile people start to think you are nuts. They can't understand why you want someone who hurt you so badly.

And from a healthy rational point of view that makes sense.

Try not to be mad at your family for their commentary. People mean well but have no idea what this is like unless they lived it and I wouldn't wish that on my greatest enemy.

I havent told to my family. All this thing is too embarrassing. So they just probably think that we broke up or whatever. Like it is nowadays, you meet someone, tell them that you love them and then you break up. Its not a big deal for them. Maybe they think that im secretly gay, dont really know. We are not talking about these issues, i have always avoided talking about my relationships anyway. Maybe its not normal, but it doesnt bother me.

Now, after my BPD relationships, i have talked about this with 2 of my friends and also with my replacements ex-s. Latter ones feel reliefed that they werent the only idiots who dated my replacement, but my friends. One of them have started to avoid me, because he probaly got sick of hearing this stuff over and over. And the second one listens everything and says then something like that sucks man, how you can take it. And then the next time i talk to him he has already forgotten what was going on. Besides them, there are few other people with whom i have shared some information, but not everything.

Anyway, my experience simply shows that people have their own problems and they dont want to hear any new problems from others what doesnt concern them. It doesnt mean that they dont care about us, its just that they have their own issues. Life is busy nowadays for everyone.

The old wisdom says that the rescue of a drowning man is the drowning mans own job and thats how it is here too. You can go and try to look compassion from everyone, but once they havent experienced anything like this they dont really want to pay attetion to it. And even then, if they had that experience, but for example it was years ago then ok,  they may understand us, but it doesnt mean that they would always want to talk about it.

There have been so many bad things in our history. Like wars for example. But if you have seen all these horrible things in your life it doesnt mean that you would want to go these things through again in your mind. You just want to forget it. And you know anyway that there are most certainly more wars coming in the world. You just cant fix everyone around you. You have to take care of yourself first.

Part of becoming well again is by processing this with supports, both formal and informal. My peers(friends) may not be psychologically minded and black and white but they are intelligent and can and want to learn and help. I looked at part of my responsibility to being well as being able to have a meaningful conversation with them. Part of that was educating them on the traits of BPD and how it relates to my particular personality style and healing. If I hadn't done this I would have repeatedly heard "Good god it's been a month... .get over it and move on". While I do sometimes have that inferred I always use my assertiveness skills and let them know that a position like that isn't helpful or empathetic. Some respond well to that, others not so much. Then we sort it out, laugh and move on. Funny thing tho I never get that response a second time.     

Not at all. I have a friend who whose boyfriend has BPD and she's the only one who understands to a point but at the same time she really doesn't because her boyfriend has a different personality. I actually tried to explain myself the other day too about 7 friends and family. They just still think he's selfish jerk that I should never speak to ever again.

I think my friends and family have a hard time understanding just how incredibly abusive and nasty she was. I'm not sure if it is all BPD or there are other things going on there as well but she is NOT a good person yet she fakes like she is at work and with friends. If they only knew how she really was they would be shocked!

I've been lucky to have supportive friends and family. God knows the amount of times I would voice my anger, sadness only to go back to her again.  After a while it sort of became like the boy who cried wolf. I don't blame them. If I wouldnt take their advice let alone my own, what was I to expect?

Few other things. My brother, who only met her once, knew something was off with her. He said she smiled with her mouth. Her eyes gave her f
Fakeness away. Oddly enough I never met her family while I was on and off with her for a little over a year.  Yet they live 10 minutes away from my house.  I did meet her friends once. That evening she flirted with her best friend's boyfriend.  Her best friend seemed to be undeterred. At the end of the evening, another friend told me good luck with her. Of course ran over that red flag.

Our really close friends and my family members -- whom we spent alot of time with --understand because they saw the behavior over the years.  However, our more distant friends have no clue at all.  They have such a charmed view of my X, I feel certain they would not believe me if I told them.  It's just another aspect of control that you have let go of... .It's very hard.

In short... .no, I don't think so. I think some people may understand that there is something wrong with the BPD, but do not understand the level. Luckily, my coworkers know the possible BPD is crazy. They have all said that... .to the point that a few think she is sociopathic. But, it is followed up with just leave her alone, she is gone and out of the picture. They don't understand the fear. It isn't like a typical break up. Sure, there is some awkwardness when you bump into an ex, but there isn't the fear. With a BPD, you don't know what they have up their sleeve and that is what people do not understand. Some of the things mine has been doing has become apparent to other people, so they are starting to see it. But, there is one that still is adamant that I don't have to worry and that she has moved on to the next target. She doesn't understand the fear at all and keeps saying until she contacts me again, there is nothing to worry about. I don't believe that. She has reached out to me about "work", when she had no reason to. She has shown obvious signs of cyberstalking. I am afraid of her, because I know if she is in the right situation, she will reach out again. I have seen all of that before with another BPD ex. They said it was over and not to worry. 6 months later I started getting random calls, she started contacting my friends... .she cyberstalked me.  all to the point that I had to change my phone number and was close to looking for a restraining order.

I've lost friends through being with my exwuBPD!

Over the years I've gone to friends about things, usually whilst going through the heartache of both the devaluation & discard stages. When I have the advice has always been the same, leave her and get on with your life. They have seen the effects she has on me, have listened to the stories of how badly I've been treated, listened to the tales of manipulation, the cheating, the lies and heard about pretty much most details. Now I keep my circles small and the friends I talk to don't know the others yet they all say the same thing, run for your life. They've heard me say, that's it, I'll never go back to her, after discard, only to watch me go running back to her when she decides it's time for a recycle. One of my best friends from home eventually pulled away from me as he said, I can't watch this again, you know what to do mate yet you've allowed her another chance to destroy you, I can't sit and watch that again and if your not going to listen then I can't be around to watch. Other not so close friends have also pulled away shaking their heads in disbelief at me. The only person who is there for me is my best mate of 20+ years and he knows why I keep going back as he has a good understanding of mental health issues and has experienced BPD/NPD with friends in the past.

So many people in my life that could always see the ending before I could yet I continued to allow her to get inside my head every single time. With each discard I become more and more isolated away from friends as they no longer want to know.

All of my family and friends know of my xBPD and all of them are very vocal about their dislike for her. My best friend compare my nonBPDx and my BPDx.

My nonBPDx - he says he has not one single issue with her. She was a lovely girl and we were great together but the relationship had unfortunately just run its course. He has all the time in the world for her.

My BPDx is a completely different story. He remembers just how sh*tty she treated me and tells me how he remembers seeing his best friend crumble before his eyes. He utterly despises her and the ways she's treated me over the years.

All that said, as much as they dislike BPDx, they simply cannot understand why I continually go back to her or stay in contact or just cannot let go of her. They don't get it.  None of them do. And I understand that. From the outside it's so obvious how low she treats me. It's so obvious how much of my life I've already wasted on her and the future I've squandered. The potential I have as a partner if only I could see myself the way they see me. They just don't understand the bond and the intense feelings, both the very highs and very lows, and the hole that feels filled when we're together. 99% of my friends are pretty well-adjusted.

However, I have one friend who for the last year has started to hook up with a girl who I identified as BPD from the off. She's started the push/pull thing with him so I've clued him up on BPD and sent him articles to read. He understands the intensity of the feelings and the highs/lows so I'm able to relate with him about how he's feeling. I'm also trying to give him the benefit of all these years of suffering and steer him through it. But it's hard watching him submit to her.

My close family are next to useless when it comes to discussing or understanding personal relationships. I've told them that my x has BPD and for all of the time they spend on the Internet I don't think any of them have once bothered their *rse to actually look up the meaning or the impact it can have on people in a relationship. They're so insulated in their little worlds that they cannot comprehend why others don't think like they do and simply let go of a relationship that isn't working. Regardless of the acute emotional pain I'm in, regardless of the fact that a couple of weeks ago I was collapsed screaming into the carpet they think I'm just being silly and need to stop sulking. They simply do not have a clue about the pain I'm in when it's right there, right in front of their face I'm screaming like a wounded animal, after which I was expected to apologise to my mother for upsetting her. Regardless of what they'd just witnessed it was turned around to make her the victim. They are absolutely less than useless emotionally selfish little f*ckwits.