BPDFamily.com

Hello,
I am new to this so I am not sure where to start.  I married into a family where a few members have BPD traits in particular my husband's sisters.  One, who had lived with him, had become close with me up until we got engaged then she turned on me.  In the months leading up to the wedding she actively tried to break us up and flat out told her brother not to marry me, to get a prenup, even had his friends do the same.  One friend came to our house to tell me how mean I've been to this sister.  I had them both in the wedding despite it all.  I have tried really hard with both his sisters, but they now do not seem to want any relationship with me and even cause fights over things I didn't even know happened.  The sister I mentioned before even had an explosion at Thanksgiving saying the reason why she was so hurt by me was because I didn't set up hair and makeup for her for the wedding when I didn't do that for anyone.  We haven't heard much from her aside from seeing some alarming posts on Facebook, which her brother advised her to take down.  Because he called her with that message, she blocked us on social media.  She recently reached out (6 months later) stating she was close to our home and wanted to swing by.  I have no idea what to do because I am every emotion.  I am hurt, sad for my husband, very angry, and am only okay when things simmer down even though I know they will flair back up.  Please, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.  Do we meet up with her?  Do we try to explain where we are at with this relationship?

Hey Furbaby Mom:   
Welcoming to the Community!
I'm so sorry about the situation with your husband's family. People with BPD traits can be very hurtful, leaving you blind sided as to what happened.  So much doesn't make sense, until you have learned about how to survive when you have BPD people in your world.
People with BPD (pwBPD) traits, can have a FEAR OF ABANDONMENT.  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47237.0;ALL)  When they feel they are about to lose someone (in this case your wedding), a behavior called SPLITTING  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0) can occur.  In your case, you were split to the bad side, or "painted black"
Social media can become a battle field, when people with BPD traits are involved.  You might want to classify them as "restricted" on you Facebook account (in case they unblock you). Life will be a lot simpler if you just don't engage with each other on social media in any form. 
If you visit with her, best to NOT JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and avoid circular arguments  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all) about the situation with the wedding. 

You won't be able to change your inlaws.  The only thing you can do is to learn and use certain communication skills and strategy to make things better for yourself.  If you click on the "green words" above, you will connect with each specific article/lesson.  A good place for you to start with some skills is to work on Boundaries and Not Invalidation/Validation. 

It should help you to start setting boundaries with your inlaws.

BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries are for your benefit, and it is up to you to enforce them. Whether you need to set a boundary now or later, best to be prepared:  

BOUNDARIES WORKSHOP (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

BOUNDARIES ARTICLE (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

EXAMPLES (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0;all)

FIVE SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=122547.0;all)

You can't change your inlaws, but you can make things better for you by using certain communication skills and various stratgies. A communication skill that can be helpful is SET.

SET (Support, Empathy and Truth)  (http://www.https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)

You can find more helpful information (workshops and articles) in the "Lessons" thread at the top of the threads.  If you go to the large green band at the top of the screen, you will find a "Tools" menu.  Check out the lesson on ":)on't Invalidate".  It is most important to NOT invalidate (by word, expression or body language).  Beyond that, it can be helpful to validate feelings, once you feel comfortable with using the technique.  Validating feelings isn't about agreeing with someone's logic.  It is merely acknowledging a person's feelings (even if the feelings don't seem justified to you).

I don't mean to overwhelm you with information.  Take it a step at a time.  Some people like to come back to their thread and check their understanding of some skills and/or to share examples of a situation and gain input from others on strategy.

Keep up posted on how are going.

Thank you so much for your help.  I will definitely go through each of these topics.  I do know that boundaries are something my husband and I need to work on, him in particular.  He has grown up with his sisters acting like this and until I came along, he would just give them what they needed to calm down including money, rent, a night out, several hour phone calls, group texts, etc.  In full disclosure, I am an LMFT and I have had a lot of training on boundaries, however, as other therapists will share it is different when these are people you care about. 
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my feelings and I think the one that stands out the most is anger.  I am angry that they treat their brother this way when he has cried several times about them and their at times disgusting words.  The older of the two will often threaten suicide and my husband gets very scared because she had a SIGNIFICANT drug problem in the past.  She has been to countless rehabs, but never follows through with after care.  She has had many relapses and even lost custody of her children.  To be honest, she scares me too because I think she will go to whatever means possible to get the attention that is not being given to her at this current moment by us or by her dad and stepmom.  The four of us decided to set a boundary because she was attacking both her step mom and me.  That sister also unfriended me on Facebook because I was not liking enough of her selfies and other family members were liking my pictures over hers.  She then proceeded to call me and text me saying how petty I am for getting hurt by being unfriended.  She gave me 5 minutes to accept her friendship and when I didn't/couldn't at the time, she blocked me and told me to f*** off and get over myself.
I am angry that I have been treated like someone who can thrown in the trash.  Both sisters have blocked me on social media, which, I agree is a blessing in disguise.  I am still friends with the older one's boyfriend though so I know she can still see my page.  I am angry that they act like the words that come out of their mouths can just be forgotten.  Yet, I know that my husband and I are the only ones really angry in all this.  The sisters are not. 
So what next?  I feel like I've gotten run over by a bus they were driving and they come running around the side saying "Come on and let's grab a drink, life is too short!"  I am finding reading the message boards to be very helpful in that they help dilute the situation into what it truly is, it is a disorder.  Despite my internal feelings of disgust, they are not doing this on purpose and it's not just to me.  It would be any girl in my husband's life.  It would be anyone who stood in the way of them needing to not feel abandoned. 
I don't know how to show them that we are here for them but we will also not be treated this way because for years, my husband just got treated like this.  He didn't see the pain of sticking up for himself to be worth the rage.  We have finally had enough conversations about it and he has witnessed their nasty words and actions toward me to know what I am saying is true.  I would like to say something to both of them, but I also know I will get steamrolled.  We are stuck.  Well, I am stuck and as much as my husband says he has my back, I know how incredibly difficult the situation is and I want to make it better for him.  The silver lining is where their antics used to separate us, they now bring us closer so we are making progress. 
Can I get some feedback?  Should I reach out to them or should my husband?  OR do we just let it simmer down and wait for the next attack?

Hi again Furbaby Mom:
By your alias, I'm thinking you have some great pets.

I'ts always easier to dish out advice than it is to eat your own meal. It's a common situation


Threatening suicide to coerce someone to do something or give you something is a form or abuse. It could be helpful to come up with a strategy and a Safety Plan to use with your brother's sister.  In extreme situations, you may need to call emergency services.  When it is clear to you that your SIL is trying to manipulate you or your husband, and being emotionally abusive, it would be beneficial to you to have some things prepared to say. You and your husband can't be held responsible for his sister and for her choices. The first two links below lead to two articles that address this issue. You can adapt some of the suggested verbiage to apply to your situation (rather than a romantic partner).  

WHEN YOU ARE MANIPULATED BY SUICIDE THREATS  (http://www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/BPD-articles/?What-to-do-when-feeling-manipulated-by-suicide-threats-10)

WHEN SOMEONE THREATENS SUICIDE  (http://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/when-your-partner-threatens-suicide/)

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0)

The Safety First link below will help you with a Safety Plan. It might help your husband feel better about things, if you make a plan.

SAFETY FIRST (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

If you "restrict" his viewing ability, then if your SIL logs onto his account, she has a restricted view as well.  A good strategy will be problem avoidance. The social media situation indicates that there is an issue with jealousy. You will never win.  Social media can get nasty, even when so called "normal" people are involved.  Social media and personality disorders are a recipe for disaster.  pwBPD love to even use emails and texts to launch and carry out assualts on someone.  Keep communications simple.  Sometime, "snail mail" may be the tool to use.


The phrase that is used in Al-Anon comes to mind, "I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, I can't Control it". You describe your husband as having been co-dependent with his sisters in the past. He may need some reinforcement in his efforts to avoid co-dependency.

What might reaching out to them look like to you? What are your expectations?

Some people go back and forth between No Contact (NC) or Limited Contact (LC).  Some people look for an upcoming family event to renew contact.  Another approach is to meet the sister (s) in a public place, perhaps a restaurant, where you can have a more neutral situation.  

You both will need to  RADICAL ACCEPT   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all) that your husbands siblings are who they are.  You will have to accept that you won't totally eliminate problems, but manage your interactions and reactions so as to minimize the impact to you both.  With strong boundaries, that you enforce, and validating feelings (minimally, Don't Invalidate), and other communication skills, you can make things better for you both.

Since you are a mental health professional, you might find the series of articles in Psychology Today of interest.  The link below has the collective links to the series of articles.  I've glanced at them and decided that they are something I'd like to work  my way through in the future. You might find them helpful for you and your husband to work through together.

Responding to BPD Provocations by David M. Allen M.D. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280765.msg12653204#msg12653204)

Naughty Nibbler,
My pets are amazing!

Wow.  I am crying because I finally feel supported on a topic that is so familiar to me in a clinical stand point, but so foreign to me in a family stand point.  It helps to know that taking breaks is not harming our relationships and in fact it is necessary to heal from the abuse.  I have been holding onto these situations in my head for so long with only a few people whom I can share due to the intensity of feelings.  People outside of his family just look at me wide-eyed and want to help but, like me, have no idea where to start. 
The questions "What might reaching out to them look like to you? What are your expectations?" were raised and those are tough ones for me to answer.  So there is SIL 1, the older one and SIL 2, the younger one.  Where I am at mentally is that I could have a conversation with SIL 1 (the one who most recently blocked me/has had drug issues in the near past).  I honestly don't have any issue expressing myself to her because what she is upset with is superficial.  SIL 2, however, I am not sure I could be in the same room with her.  I hate to admit this, but I am really close to hating her at this point in time.  When I tell you that she tried to break up my engagement and now marriage I would be understating her actions.  She systematically told her brother that I am a low life who just wants to marry him for his money and that he should be scared to get married.  She has since attempted to explain herself by stating how I make her feel uncomfortable, how I judge her, how I have tried to take her brother out of her life.  When I tried to get feedback from her on how I am doing those things in an honest attempt to make things better, she could not give me any examples.  I am struggling to see the disorder in her because her actions feel very manipulative to me because they are against me.  I tried to have a relationship with her, but it became too much where I was getting up to 20 phone calls during the day while I am at work.  It is very much all or nothing with her and I am afraid if I saw her I would flip out on her.  This is almost embarrassing to admit, but I almost feel like there is a competition between me and her for my husband.  I think now that he has stepped back from her it has become less of a feeling for me, but I feel very threatened by her.  She has told most of my husband's friend's group about me and my "judgments/horribleness" which most have accepted as non-reality because they see how me and him are together. 
The issue is that my husband has been incredibly co-dependent on his relationship with her.  He accepted a role as more of a father than a brother to her because her dad left her life.  My husband was her life-line to a life that she had no clue how much work went into it.  He paid the bills, took care of her, and I even accepted a role as somewhat of a big sister for her.  She took complete advantage and even insulted us... .mostly me... .along the way.  My husband has since stepped back from that role recognizing that she is now in her mid 20's and needs to learn how to do things on her own.  She found a young man to move in with and he has now taken on that role.  The major issue is that with time, she feels things are better despite no effort on her part to make things better.  If it is up to me to help facilitate that change, I can definitely try, but it will not be genuine.  I am not healed after everything I tolerated from her before and right after our wedding.  So my gut tells me that means I need to still have no contact with her.  We will potentially be in situations in the near future where she will be, however, so I am trying to formulate how to manage my feelings.
 

Furbaby Mom  *)

I think it's hard to understand (and for some people to believe), because BPD behaviors can seem so illogical. People who have loving "normal" families have no idea.  My sister exhibited strong BPD traits, that could qualify her as a high-functioning BPD, when our parents both passed within 4 month of each other.  I had a hard time understanding how someone could appear to be a respected member in a church community, but then act the way she did with me.  

I'm glad that you find resolving the problem with SIL 1 doable

I think you are right.  SIL 2 is probably competing with you and is jealous, whether she realizes it or not. It might be best to just accept that you won't ever have the relationship you would like to have with her.  Once someone has conducted a smear campaign against you, it's hard to trust them.  I'm glad that others have seen beyond her lies, and judged you by how they witness you act.

Although things could seem normal at times, don't let your guard down. The best strategy is if you have to attend a gathering that SIL 2 will be at, just be pleasant.  :)on't share anything personal. Talk about the weather, your favorite movie, TV show or a book you are reading. Don't get into JADE (Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining).

It's okay to stay no contact for as long as you need, then limit contact.  People with BPD or strong BPD traits won't change unless they want to.  Unfortunately, too many can't acknowledge that anything is wrong with the way they act, so they don't seek help. If SIL 2 breaks up with her current boyfriend, there will likely be a new firestorm.  She may turn to your husband to rescue her.

You might be interested to read the Workshop Thread at the link below.  It relates to your husband's situation with his sister:
EMESHMENT AND CODEPENDENCE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0)

Hang in there.  Some skills that might help when you are forced to be around SIL 2 are:
MEDIUM CHILL  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0)
BIFF RESPONSE  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0)