BPDFamily.com

uH just brought me a coffee that I like at work.  He dropped in unexpectedly.  I said thank you and then asked that while he was here that he sign the lease on the new house.  He said he wasn't going to sign it and he didn't think we were moving in together... .We had a fight a few weeks ago which got really heated and we both talked about divorce.  Things have calmed down and we've had many discussions about the house and are packing our things.  I thought he was joking and so I said, "Just sign the freaking lease", joking around as well.  He said that's not a very nice thing to say to someone who brought you coffee.  His mood came off as really grumpy after that.  I just don't know what I did or how to prevent things like this... .

He stopped by and engaged in his pull-needs for the push-pull mechanic of BPD.  He felt trapped by the idea of a lease and moving in together, so he pushed you away.

Timing for these kinds of things is everything.  It sucks.  We should as adults be able to approach those with whom we are trying to share our lives in reasonable moments tot ake care of adulty-stuff... .like signing a lease.    Instead, we have to wait, gauge the time, their mood, the alignment of the stars, and whatever, to see if they will actually do what we want/need them to do, or will they protest out of spite just to show we can't control them. 

I think the acceptance of the coffee should have been a "Thanks" and that's it.  He may have even been testing you to see if you'd "nag" him about the lease, and so, of course, he won't do it.  He is probably feeling pretty disordered about making the step to move back in, and is likely to lash out in things like this just to engage in his need to push you just far enough away.  Don't mention it for a while if you can. 

We live together now... .we've been married 15 years and never separated.  Other than two times, we've never really discussed divorce.