BPDFamily.com

Without starting my first post off as a novel, I will just say seeking support out for this is long overdue. EDIT: I wrote a novel. Ha! I'm sorry, nobody has to read it, it just feels so good to get it out on an anonymous board where I don't feel like I have to sanitize or or protect my mom's reputation.

I've been confused and hurt my entire life about why my mom:

- would absolutely destroy, character assasinate, go for the jugular of any person who ended up on her bad side. I mean, zero mercy, no insult off limits.
- has been divorced from my father for over 30 years and still makes many comments per week about how awful he was to her.
- interpreted so many things I said in the worst possible light and there was no convincing her I didn't mean anything harmful once she started in on me.
- was vicious to my best friend, who I met when I was 14, and still is to this day.
- is so irrationally jealous of my stepfather and literally any other woman, including, painfully, me.
- was so resentful and disdainful towards any gift or financial assistance I ever gave her but implied that I was neglecting her if I didn't and how badly her material needs were unmet.
- has had such a bizarre relationship with food and money and men my entire life.
- shuts down around anyone else.
- would distort or outright invent facts to support and justify whatever emotion she was feeling.
-could. not. hear. logic when accusing me of the most outlandish things.
-overly identifies with small children and elderly people.
- seems to always have a self serving motive, no matter how hard she tries to paint herself as altruistic.
- rotates which of her children is the most worthy every few months or years. I'm mostly always the worst one.
- could never just say "maybe that person is tired / having a bad day / upset about something else." Everything is always a deep and sinister character flaw and she values her own powers of observation and reading emotions above everything else.
-frequently "fed" me emotions when I was younger, rarely asked me what I actually felt. Acted betrayed if I disagreed with what she TOLD me I was feeling.
-Planted trauma about my dad and rewarded me with love and attention if I fed into it. Ugh, so sick.

But then I read about BPD on the recommendation of a friend. It sort of seemed accurate, but she rarely yells, only hit a couple times that I remember from my youth, and mostly plays up victimhood and Christian piety to the extreme. More victim that rage. Then I read a book specifically about BPD mothers and it was like someone was narrating my life. . It made me examine my own life and traits and relationships.

Now I don't understand why:

- I still try so desperately to please her
-why I put her needs above mine, my husband's, my children's
- why I support her, have her living in my house, providing care to my two small kids
- why I insist on hyper-communication and brutal honesty in my marriage and why it's not enough to make me feel like I won't screw it up one day because I'm so screwed up
- why I still love her so much and want her to be happy and to love me or just like me
- I want her to be proud of me and think I'm a good mother and accomplished person, instead of acting like I'm smug and controlling and so many other really hurtful things she said about me that I don't think are true.

I'm really amazed at the resources on this page and can't wait to explore them more. I think I'm still in the overwhelmed stage and feel like so many memories of my childhood are being altered around this. And to be clear, I have no official diagnosis but it just seems so unbelievably on point. I used to worship my mom and cry and desperately tell her I was so sorry for things she accused me of that I knew I didn't do. And honestly, up until this point, I think I just believed her when she said she saw something in me bad and that I had everyone else fooled. I think I really believed it.

She is, confusingly, at times really charming and funny. And can be downright doting on people. She is wonderful with very small kids. I'm going to have to ask her to leave once my son hits 4 or 5 and she starts ascribing things to him he couldn't possibly be responsible for.

Is it weird to feel both deeply depressed and incredibly relieved to realize there is a "name" for something that has always seemed so odd about a loved one? I'm so sad because I feel like I finally realized she's never going to change. I'm never going to present a flawless enough argument, this is just who she is. But at the same time, it is validating and makes me think there is hope.

For the last few years, I have insisted to my brothers something isn't right.

Well, that all felt really good at first but now guilt and feelings of betrayal are sinking in.

I just want to learn how to cope, to make sure I don't pass on harmful behaviors to my kids, and try to be as self aware as possible for my own mistakes (even though she is the one that likely has a personality disorder, I'm no saint and clearly make mistakes and I'm sure I do things that don't help
our relationship).

Hello LittleBlueTruck,


No big! I did and a bunch of others have as well. There's just too much to say when you first start figuring things out and have a safe place to start sorting it out. Oh, and welcome to the boards!    :)


My dad, sister and ex husband are all undiagnosed BPD, so I can relate in some ways to all of this. The most valuable thing I can say is, you were traumatized as a child and forced to live around and through a person that is disordered, none of these things are your fault.   Please don't blame yourself and realize that it took a lifetime of continually doing all of this and even though it most likely will not take a lifetime to undo, expect it to take time to learn and walk out a healthier life.

 I made the mistake of trying to jump ahead and hurry up, it really does take one step at a time and you've already done a few. You recognized it isn't you, it's your mom. You looked up help and have shared some of your story on a board that really is like a family and will have plenty of great advice to help you along your journey.  :) 

I've done all these things and more that you've written. One thing that has helped me is a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry CLoud and Dr. John Townsend. It was a HUGE eye opener, let me tell you. I had a vague idea of what these were, but didn't understand how much I needed them.


I don't think it's weird at all, it's normal. I had a mix of emotions as well. On the one hand you hope that by learning this they may get better one day and when you realize that may never happen and you have to accept that and all it entails for the future and the past, it's difficult to say the least. You're in good company here.  :)


Keep posting on this board, no matter how overwhelmed or upset or whatever you may feel or want to be heard. There are people here that are listening and wanting to help. I believe that if you continue to look for the answers, ask questions and begin to, step by step walk it out in your life you will find so much healing and do more than just cope, but live. We all make mistakes, but you're already being a good mother by realizing the disorder in your mother, trying to avoid the same behaviors in yourself and planning on how to protect them from her harmful ways as soon as you notice them starting to affect your children.

You're not alone LittleBlueTruck. 

Purekalm

Little Blue Truck,

I read your "novel" and I appreciated it. I'm in a similar position to you; I'm coming up on 40 and only in the last year or so, when my wife made it clear how much the damage my mom did in youth still impacts my marriage today, did I see a therapist and start to figure out what's going on. It's not easy. And I can totally relate to what you say about your brother; I have my own and, although he gets it to a greater degree than the rest of the family, I still feel like the guy pointing at the giant elephant that nobody can see most of the time... .anyhow nice to read your story. You're not alone.

Toad Prince - good for you for seeking out help and it is excellent to have a spouse who is emotionally intelligent enough to see the connection to your childhood experiences.

At the risk of discrediting myself as a delusional arm chair psychologist, my husband's mother strongly displays characteristics of Histrionic Personaity Disorder. Both mothers are dependent on us either financially, emotionally, and / or physically (neither drive). Being able to talk to each other openly about coming to terms with the fact that there was something deeply wrong with our mothers has brought us so close and explains our initial attraction and sense we've always had that nobody else gets us like the other. It can be gift and I hope you and your wife continue to talk out your mom's impact on you.

The elephant in the room - yes. Children normalize so much. It is actually horrifying. Do you only have the one brother? Is your father married to your mother?

I also want to reply to the very kind and welcoming commenter above who replied to my original post, but I think the part of my brain that makes sense of technical aspects of message boards is just a pile of burning tires or something because for the life of me I can't figure out how to navigate these message boards! I'll learn, but a big thank you to the person who also commented before Frog prince.

LittleBlueTruck,

No problem. Don't worry, it took me a minute to figure out the boards myself! Because someone accidentally misquoted something I figured out how to do quotes.  :) 

Purekalm

Purekalm! I think I got it. For whatever reason, my formatting was all goofy and I just saw everything in plain text. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it sooner or later.

LittleBlueTruck -  yes, you could say she's (wife) pretty emotionally intelligent. Her dad is a real piece of work; turns out so am I in some respects and I guess there's no surprise there. Also, no surprise that my wife can be a bit BPD-like herself in some ways although I think it's more at a sub-clinical level. At least I hope so. Still causes me plenty of stress; I think the hardest part for me, with this new awareness of these various dynamics, is to know when it's my issue vs. hers. But yes, it is helpful that she is psychologically-minded and understands things pretty well.

Yes, it's the one brother and I, and yes my dad is still married to my mom. Sounds like he spends more and more of his at-home time in his shop as he gets older, though. Not sure what's going to happen when he retires in a couple months... .

---

I went back to look at your first post again. Just wanted to say that the guilt and the sense of betrayal, that maybe you're doing the wrong thing... .well, I've been put through that, and I doubt it's you. I think your goals to keep your kids safe from psychological harm, cope with your mom's behavior, and gain some insight are really reasonable and worthwhile, and it's hard to think that someone pointed that way has any real reason to feel guilty. Not that I would criticize you for feeling that way, of course; that's how they get you.

Thank you for sharing. I'm 39 and I deal with the same traits with my mom that you experienced with yours. She was the Christian mom as well. This made it more difficult for me because I associate my mother's authority with God now. It is awful to think of God being so ruthlessly critical to point out and fix every flaw immediately in order to be in relationship. I'm tirelessly and endlessly critiquing myself for this reason. And if I am not finding and fixing flaws of my own I am rehearsing history or scrutinizing my surroundings to make everything OK or I am wondering if I did or am doing the right thing.

Turning 40 in a few months. I've read books and books and I've been over this for what feels like a thousand times. I have a husband and a baby of my own now and I'd love to put all of this behind me. On a positive note, all of the work I've done to heal and get my mother's hooks out of me has made me a better person, who is more aware and more accountable. This, I hope, will mean the family tree of dysfunction dies with me.

What I can say is:

-You're not crazy - the situation is. You're not alone 
-The more work you do and the more you learn, the better you'll feel, and know that this onion has many layers. How you are raised in childhood establishes how you see and function in the world. It's like your operating system. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself when you find it difficult to break out of old patterns.
-If you get counselling try to get someone who specializes in helping abuse victims. Abuse counselling has been one of the most helpful things for me. They understand the cycle of abuse and why victims slip back into old patterns/mindsets.
-Your mom living with you might be the biggest barrier to breaking unhealthy patterns and getting some perspective outside of the reality she has created for you. I've made the most progress when I've spent long stretches of time away from my family. I watch my mental and physical health decline after they're back in my life.

I understand that it might not seem so simple to get her out of your home. I would take it in steps and get support from an abuse counsellor.

 

Trust your instincts.  Sounds like your mom has had a profound impact on your life and continues to do so.  I had the same aha moment when I  found this website and although it has been hard, facing the truth has been liberating.  Please make sure  you  have  emotional support as you start to come to terms with having a BPD parent.  This is a very supportive place.☺

Wow, this is so relatable! So many of these sound just like my mom


I recently started going to therapy, and have made a lot of discoveries about myself. You sound A LOT like me. Now, I can't diagnose you or presume that you and I suffer from the same things... .that being said it might be helpful if I share a little bit about what I've learned about myself. I recently made the discovery that I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. CPTSD is like PTSD, except for it is the result of exposure to long-term chronic abuse -- in my case childhood emotional/psychological abuse. Within CPTSD there are four different subtypes, or ways that people have learned to cope with the abuse. These are fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. If you are interested in these subtypes, I encourage you to look them up. But I'm just going to talk about the fawn response, because it is the one that I have. To quote Dr Pete Walker, "The trauma-based codependent learns to fawn very early in life in a process that might look something like this: as a toddler, she learns quickly that protesting abuse leads to even more frightening parental retaliation, and so she relinquishes the fight response, deleting “no” from her vocabulary and never developing the language skills of healthy assertiveness... .  learns to fawn her way into the relative safety of becoming helpful... .Boundaries of every kind are surrendered to mollify the parent, as the parent repudiates the Winnecottian duty of being of use to the child; the child is parentified and instead becomes as multidimensionally useful to the parent as she can: housekeeper, confidante, lover, sounding board, surrogate parent of other siblings, etc... .as adults, many codependents automatically and symbolically respond to threat like dogs, rolling over on their backs, wagging their tails, hoping for a little mercy and an occasional scrap" I have no idea if this is applicable to you, but I hope it helps?

Everything you wrote, I could have written.  I'm struggling too and am so grateful to find that I'm not alone.  Thank you.