BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, you may have seen my other post.

My BPD partner has been in rehab for 3 months for cocaine , gambling, a whole circle of addictions.

First 2 months were great, so loving, calls, letters etc.  It all changed a bit since, month 3 and she tells her parents she is scared i will not want her home.

A few days later she calls me that she is clean now and wants me to pick her up.  I refused. she went ape!

I have been calling the rehab etc, wrote a letter etc  no reply from staff or her. to see if she is ok!

Today the rehab manager calls, and says because she has been off her BPD meds for a week(!)  now she is starting to see clearly and doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore.   So she wont be calling home, im banned from contacting the rehab or her at all. 

i respect her decision, even if I gave my whole life , and have had it destroyed by her. Plus i was told if i hadnt got her in rehab she would be dead.  what a way to be treated. And by the rehab.

what should i expect?

That all sounds very confusing.

Why did you refuse to come and get her?

Sadly, there is no way to predict what to expect. People expressing BPD traits are just as unique as everyone else.

What I would focus on, if I were you, is how you plan to respond if she does try to contact you and what your plans for your future are if she doesn't.

she is in long term rehab, 1 year treatment.  If i had collected her she would of been using again within hours.

Its so strange, it all started when i refused to pick her up. she is 3 months into 12 month rehab. the venom i got down the phone was unreal.  The day before she is telling her mother over the phone that she is scared i will abandon her and dont want her back.   3 days later im dumped!

I saw your other thread where you mentioned that it was a 1 year treatment program after I made my post in this thread.


While I don't want to argue with your thought process, because I am convinced would have done the same thing if I were in your situation, I do wonder if she feels that you have abandoned her and don't want her to come home?

She tells her mother that you won't want her back. She asks you to come and get her, you tell her no. I can see how that would easily translate to her that you don't want her back.

I'm wondering if something is being lost in translation here. When you say "refused," how that it all take place?

Again, I want to reiterate that I'm not disputing your decision and agree that it would have been three months wasted had you picked her up.

I explained to her that it was too early for her to come home, that her treatment wasnt done.  I sent her a letter the next day saying of course I want her home, but when she is clean and has had all the issues addressed.  I have been sending lovely gifts, letters etc all with the same message. Im so proud of her and cant wait for the day she is home back in my arms.

Then, the manager calls and says she 3 days of her BPD meds and can see clearly now that the relationship played a part in the drug use. Which is totally untrue she has always since 11 years old had substance issues. So now I am banned from alll contact, Its an awful feeling. Im looking after her children on very little money, and do not know what the future holds. This is her house so I could be kicked out if she chooses, making me homeless.  Im here , I am working on myself, looking after the kids etc, but the feelings are unreal. I worked so hard to get her this opportunity.

She always said in moments,  that she is so much better single, but it is not true, she is worse her parents tell me.

Its all just too much.

This sounds so familiar.  My BPD husband of 18 years was recently diagnosed with severe depression. He checked himself in to the hospital for suicidal thoughts.  They held him on a legal hold, and the next day he called me and begged me to get him out of there (to make phone calls to friends of our who might have connections with hospital staff... .to get him out.)  I told him that I cannot help him against doctors orders.  Then when he was released the next day, he asked me to come pick him up, but then at the hospital told me that he is only coming home to get his stuff and he will be living somewhere else because this relationship is toxic and caused him severe depression.

Now, he had depression since he was a teenager.  When I met him, he was seeing a psychologist for depression.  The only thing new is that it has been formally diagnosed and that he now takes meds for it.  He also was informally diagnosed for PTSD in the past, from childhood trauma.  I have been supportive and loving the entire marriage, even during times when he has been abusive I always blamed it on his PTSD and the way he was raised.  And suddenly he says, not just to me but to all our friends, that I am the cause of his depression and suicidal thoughts.  It is so hurtful.

It's confusing too, because after all the support and caring I have given him, I wonder how he feels this way about me?  When I think about it, I start wondering if I am losing my mind.  He used to tell me that I am the one who brought him out of the dark, I am the sunshine in his life, and suddenly now this?  It's so confusing.

And, also similar to your situation, I am currently caring for our kids, trying to figure out how to pay the bills after he drained our joint bank accounts and refuses to give me any money, all the while trying to figure out how I let the relationship get to this state, or if in fact it was always in this state and I was in denial.

It's so painful.

That is exactly it rose!

You feel like you are losing your mind. But in reality we are not.

My very wise mother tells me its their form of emotional abuse.

Like a stroppy child at a birthday party not talking to anyone.

You see, we didnt come running when they stamped their feet. Like a child.   I best if you look back when your H was a child, he was probably spoilt.   They stamped their feet and got what they wanted.   They are used to this with us.

And to punish us they are being quiet and pushing us away.
But i bet they are thinking about us a lot.  They have to have someone to blame, and at the moment they have someone else to comfort them. Like a parasite jumping from host to host is a nasty way to put it! Sucking emotional support.

He will call, just like mine will, just to check and validate you feel the same way.   That they still have that control in the background... .

you can see i am in the angry stage at the moment!

be totally dark. I have found its the only way sometimes to really get them to "come back"  you have to use their fear of abandonment against them when they are being butt holes like this.

I know mine will ring her mother this week.  I dropped a stealth bomb with her mother saying "im dreadfully upset, but looking ofrward to sunday when Im going to legoland with the kids and an old school friend i havnt seen for years. she a psychologist and is really pretty, single mum and the kids will love meeting"!

im not, but what a nuke , that will be to her in rehab.  Very unfair I know.  But i have never played her at her own game.  I am now.