BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted for a long time.

Two weeks ago, I finally moved and my BPD (narc) took a plane to visit his hometown and stay with a friend. He is homeless but has funds. His mental health issues are bad and he just can't seem to realize he needs his own place to live, so hopes someone will offer him a place to stay.

I have been working up to this move for a long time. I let myself be duped the previous 2 times I moved. I let him stay just for a day or week... .that turned into months and he would not leave. I was unable to make myself call police or lock him out.

He is manipulative and quiet. No yelling. But silent treatment, demands a lot of time and attention. He was sleeping on the floor in my 2 room apt for months. It was terribly stressful.

In my new apt, I feel liberated and am recovering.

But we didn't end things. He just left and I let it seem like everything was fine so that he would easily leave.

Now, he is emailing about maybe returning to get an apt in my building. I need to tell him no. This is the last piece to cut the ties.
It is unlikely he will come here without my encouragement, and I am not encouraging him. But I am not being silent either. I just provide info if he asks for it.

I know I gave mixed messages along the way (6 years). He never stated or committed to a relationship. He clearly stated he couldn't be in a relationship because he knew he was messed up. Though it appeared we were a couple, and he intended that when we were out and about. At times, we were a couple without stating it---we were close, living together, occasional affection and early on we did have physical intimacy. So, it was very unclear. I got attached to him, but didn't sense he could reciprocate.  At one point, he left for 18 months and lived with a woman there and was involved with her. Repeating his pattern. He is unable to empathize and realize that he abandoned her to return to my place. She must have been in a lot of pain. Then he returned, and I let him in my apt (dumb me).

So, he is gone. But is emailing that we have lived near each other for years and he thought we had a good relationship, but I messed it up by prioritizing my family over him (they wouldn't invite him to holidays), and by prioritizing getting a Section 8 affordable apt (I have a disability), which means I have to live alone (unless married). However, I wasn't able to get the Sec 8 apt. and he knows that. He expects we are in relationship and therefore, I should provide him a place to live.  He really isn't rational.

I feel guilty (can you say, FOG?) that I gave mixed messages. I often enjoyed his company, but he never respected my boundaries or needs.

Do I write back and succinctly say that he has meant a lot to me but it is better if we are apart and remain friends but not in a relationship? Should I be more brutally direct? I know it's best not to get into the nitty gritty of past stuff about our connection.

I have not gone NC. How do I do that with someone who I was friendly with and who left for a few weeks but with no plans for returning (unless I say we are in a relationship and he can live with me). 

Thank you for reading this rather lengthy post. And I appreciate any help with how to respond to his emails.

I feel like I abandoned him, oddly. I know I shouldn't feel guilty. He lived a long time before meeting me. It's just that he is so incapable of getting along in the world... .Narc with ptsd, anxiety, depression, abuse history, manipulative, irrational, passive aggressive, etc.

He thought we were in a relationship this whole time? and I was protecting myself from expecting anything from him, yet we lived together and I gave the impression, too, that I was a couple with him, but I set limits (no family get togethers, which I made clear to him--that is for boyfriends only. He didn't get the distinction.)  Terrible. Ugh.

Hi there Anna

I'm so very sorry that you're in this situation right now. I can understand how his latest email has unsettled you and set you off balance. I'd be the same.

I'm normally on the Parenting forum and so it feels a bit strange for me on here. Actually, I can see close similarities with my own feelings with my adult son. I used to do a dance around him and it sounds like you're back to dancing again with this man. It sounds like quite a confusing relationship for both of you to be in for so long. You've got a history and you sound like a very caring person who has tried to help.

That was then. This is now.

You're living independently and you've said you're healing. You've also said you don't want him to move back into your apartment. You don't have to do anything but take care of yourself. You are not responsible for how another person feels. I know you know this already but I thought it worth pointing out to you again.

I can see though that you feel beholden to this guy.  :)o you care what he thinks about you?  By sending an email back to him you open up a line of communication and if you've replied once, then he will expect you to do so again. That's my opinion and it's regardless whether or not you clearly say in the email "whatever we've had, it's over" or "I only want to be your friend and don't want you living with me".  You're right any response has to be short and clear and firm. Regardless, if it isn't what he wants to hear you're going to be blamed.

You've asked for help in replying to his emails. I think you're feeling confused and you're in FOG. My own experience is that I never make good decisions when I'm highly emotional.  Give yourself as long as you need to get yourself centred again.

I'm glad you've got your family in your life to help support you.

How are you feeling today?

Hugs

LP