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I went through the denial and bargaining, 9 months of severe depression, a few months of anger... .I think I'm finally coming around to acceptance.

I ended the relationship with my ex fiancé after lettering her string me along for 2 1/2 years with "someday" and false promises.  She admitted being with others during that time.   First time I've ever walked away, dug up some self respect.  She immediately went into silent treatment mode... .been that way for coming up on a year.

I admit, I've peeked at her social media profile pics... .were not following each other.  There she is, still out doing the things we used to do together... .something I thought was "our" thing (exploring and hiking).   She's by herself in the pics, beaming with "HAPPY" written over head.

I know social media is a facade.  She was one of the most miserable people I've known... .always complaining, triangulating.

The thing that struck me is that she's still out doing the things we loved to do together, with a mysterious photographer... .I was never on her social media while we were together, especially after the devaluation started.  I'm assuming these photographers are her new "friends that just want sex" like the ones she had during our brief breakups over the course of our 5 year "relationship"

I used to be just that photographer for those profile pics.  In the past, when I'd ask, "who'd you go hiking with?" she'd change the subject, or just get quiet.

I reliaze now what I thought was a shared interest... .one used to build intimacy during all those hours on the trails... .was really her interest, that she would do with anybody.  I was just a placeholder to get her to her next relationship.  It was never about us building memories together, it was about the actual activity itself... .which she obviously can do with anybody, with no pain associated in my absence.  I haven't been on a trail since the split.

Realizing this helps me, it helps me realize I made the right decision to walk away last year and that my instincts that "we" meant nothing were correct.  It was always about her.

Hi Huh?,

It has to be hard to her claims that she's happy while you went through severe depression, you've come to a realization about your r/s, can you tell us how you feel about this realization?

Hey Huh?

There was a post by Schwing in another thread that was brilliant in its ability to capture the BPD relationship.  Here are some excerpts;







Don't consider yourself a place holder. That title is reserved to all the orbiters who stick around waiting for their number ... .Sometimes for years. I'm at that point where every time I miss her I think of all the guys she's been with. That's not the type of relationship I want. Be proud of having the courage to walk away.

This post really resonates with me. The lacking in object constancy is text book with my ex BPD partner
 I have been wondering for months how she could just walk away after 3 years with no feelings and this explains it. It doesn't stop the pain... .which is greatly diminishing but it is another piece of my puzzle and I thank you for that. 4 months NC and getting stronger.

Thanks for posting this.  Like you, I'm at the same point.  There is no way I could be with her once the trust was broken.  However, even in that fact I still grieved. It was the hardest thing in the whole matter... .I wanted her back (the first year version of her) but I knew I couldn't be with her because of the cheating.

For the longest time I didn't know, I had suspicions but I had no confirmation.  When she wanted a "break" in 2014 she had a "friend"... .but she said she wanted to work on us and was commited to it.  Like a dope, I stuck around for 2 1/2 years working towards proving myself worthy to her and our hypothetical marriage.  Finally, last year after our last break up (a couple months) I asked her if she wanted to do our favorite climb together.  She said OF COURSE! This was a climb we'd always hold hands finishing... .probabaly did it 30 times together. 

As we climbed, she causally mentioned she dated during our brief breaks... .but they were just "friends who wanted sex"... .

Then gaslighted me when I asked when... .she said,"2014 was the first... .I've told you already, remember?" So casual.  AH, so confirmation there WAS somebody else when she wanted our first break.  She continued, "but I missed you because you were the only one that would hike with me!"  So that's what I was? An object to hike with... .only?

I was quiet as my stomach dropped for the rest of the climb.  I knew it was over.  The trust was gone. I had my confirmation.  This would probably explain why she started crying the first time we made love after that brief six week "break" in 2014... .which I thought was really strange at the time. Guilt? 

I walked away shortly after that... .I told her she wasn't a loyal woman, it was totally over.  Silent treatment from her from that day.

So yeah, once I had confirmation I walked away... .but I let her keep me in her orbit for 2 1/2 years... .not much to be proud of for that reason.

Thanks for the qoutes, helps a lot. :)   

Thanks for the question.

I realize that it's over... .that even though I want her back... .I respect myself enough now to realize that it would never work.  It was a dysfunctional and abusive one sided relationship and I deserve better.

I built her up, I encouraged her.  I supported any and every dream she had... .actively taking steps to fulfill them and make them a reality.  She did none of that for me... .she even went as far as forbidding me to further my educational goals because it would take time from her.  As a matter of fact, it was my desire to go back to school which caused the end of our engagement.  She immediately cancelled the wedding venue and gave back the ring the day after I expressed my interest in going.  She did not celebrate my birthdays, nor did she want to spend the holidays with me.  I drove to her, 100+ miles every time we got together. If I asked for help in any regard, I was given the silent treatment... .for weeks and months sometimes.

So yeah, what the hell kind of relationship is that?  I realize I deserve better than that... .much better. 

I haven't dated anyone since the break up last year.  I never cheated.  My dad was loyal to my mom until the day he died... .I take pride in following that example.  I realize I deserve to find someone with the same mindset... .but I'm in no rush.

I'm coming out of the depression.  It was literally nine months of hell, I barely left bed and almost lost everything. I suffered alone... .I have to much pride to ask for help... .which is why I like the anynonimity of this board. 

I HATE that this had this effect on me.  I'm not new to relationships... .I've been cheated on before... .this is nothing new.  BUT, this one hurt the most for some reason.

I was angry... .but as each day passes and new opportunities arise (I keep recieving job offers in my dream line of work... .to many it's overwhelming) I've just realized we were no good for each other.   The only thing we had really in common when it was all said and done was I was about her... .and she was about her.

I still grieve.  But I value myself enough to know when I do finally find the right one, she's gonna be a lucky girl... .as will I, because everything I do for her will come right back at me... .the way it should be.

At the first sign of selfishness or narcissim, Im out.

That said, I don't plan on dating for a really long time.  It's weird because I feel like I'm wasting time... .but I know it's not fair to any potential relationship.  I'm not desperate, and I dedinitely have no interest in using somebody as a crutch to heal.

Hi Huh?,


I can tell that you're motivated, I don't have a lot of advice for you right now except this. I don't blame you for not wanting to fall down the rabbit hole, but you might meet someone that is self centered for reasons other than narcissism, she could be going through depression, she may have an anxiety disorder, or maybe both, you can relate with how depression feels. I've suffered from it for my entire adult life, there were spots were it was hard to function, it can be hard to think about someone else when you're struggling to function and you just want to get through the day. Your boundaries will protect you, just allow for flexibility, but I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do.

Happy to hear you have realized you need to focus on yourself. However, there is no shame in asking for help. After my relationship with my ex, I hadn't spoken to my mother in 6 years (ex forced me to choose). My mom came out of left field and if it wasn't for her pretty sure I would be homeless now. There is no shame in getting help after someone finds every emotional hole you have and pulls at the edges until all you are left with is holes.
2 years out and my life is better then it has ever been. In a relationship with a stable woman, have a good job and just got a promotion (went from $35k per year with my ex to just over $100k now), and am back in school (greedy, 100k not enough :) - plus want a different career). Most people that succeed have had some help, there is nothing wrong with asking for it.

That's so awesome! Congratulations!

I know it was a long hard road to get there, so it makes that success so much sweeter I bet.

Yeah, I've never suffered from such a dibalitating depression like that... .the winter amplified it.  I'm coming out of it now... .nowhere near as successful as you.  Part of me thinks if I had that, she'd want me back.  It's pure ego operating in that regard I guess.

Just doing what I can for now.  Baby steps.  Thanks for your reply. 

I feel like a placeholder currently! We split up around a month ago and then embarked on a weird FWB relationship which I'm struggling to find the courage and strength to walk away from. I really should go NC but neither of us really want that. I know NC will do me the world of good and I'm starting to get to the point where I'm going to have to have that conversation with her about as emotionally I'm a wreck trying to be "best friends" with her.

We went through a D&:) cycle last year which did lead to a complete shutdown and NC between us for 3 months. Last year was the roughest year of our relationship if I'm honest as she cheated on me at the start of the year. Although I didn't find out officially for 3 months where she admitted she did so, I knew something was amiss. The gutting thing that killed me was that she paraded me in front of the guy a week after the cheating took place, which she admitted to doing. I'm pretty sure there's been other instances where she cheated in the past too. She historically has always been a cheat as she told me so and I ignored the red flags.

We got back together in the end but that betrayal always clouded things for me. It was always in my mind thinking, it'll happen again. I never once brought it up with her as she hates to talk about the things she's done to hurt me. I thought I'd be able to push past it but I've never been able to do so.

Yes I know I'm still dancing around with her at present as I am struggling to detatch emotionally and finally walk away but I know that whatever happens between us, thecheatong and betrayal will always linger in my thoughts. It's when I read threads like this that I recognise more and more the need to stop this FWB relationship I have with her so I can start to move on and heal myself.

It's no longer about her, it's about me and sorting my own sorry arse out. I need to run away before the final discard comes my way. I try not to fear the inevitable but the longer I stick around her the more chance I'm giving her to hurt me and that's something I need to look at and something I know I can do without.