BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I'm new here and hoping to get some guidance. I'm the scapegoat child of a BPD mother. She was never formally diagnosed but after working hard and reading a lot over the years to make sense of my childhood, I have found her to be textbook based on my experience.

Last year I went No Contact with my mom after the last straw witnessing my children be treated as the unfavored grandkids. My older brother is Golden Child and learned to play the game early in keeping distance from me growing up. I never understood why he never gave me the time of day, but I understand now where his allegiance rested.

As adults, my brother hides behind his wife's skirt in most family communication with my bio family and especially me.  She seems to love the role, and I've always seen narcissistic traits in her behavior... .no surprise my brother repeated history in a partner.

Both of them don't give me or my family the time of day, except when there is a benefit for them... .(when they want to use me for something). Despite always reaching out to them on their birthdays, Father's Day etc., they make no effort back and forget to acknowledge my birthday. In fact my brother thinks there is nothing weird about assuming his wife be the one to acknowledge me or my kids, and makes no effort himself period. I've written them off mostly except for making efforts for their kids.

Last year my SIL asked if I would take my niece to a camp I take my kids to a few states away so they didn't have to drive too. I was happy to... .my niece is a sweet heart and I did it for her. Shortly after that, my SIL's mom died and, we helped with their kids. Since then she has blown off efforts I've made to have her kids over to see mine ( our sons had a nice relationship). I don't think my brother has any clue because he chooses not to care. She is a flake and I know he knows this. He defers everything to her to plan and tunes out.The result is dealing with her flakiness and manipulation while he purposefully checks out.

My dilemma... .I'm over my brothers lack of effort, but I'm sick of dealing with his wife who uses us. If I confront her it will get nasty. I received a text from her today wanting to get our kids together all of a sudden... .I'm sure there is an underlying motive. I was pleasant and gave dates. Later I texted my brother saying it was nice that his wife reached out, but why he thinks it's ok to make no effort towards a relationship with me or my family and expect us to only have communication with his spouse. I asked if there is something he is harboring, to have the courage to  address it with me directly instead of communicating through others. I didn't hear back, and don't think I will. We are invited to a mutual friends house next week who have no clue about this dynamic and invited my brother and SIL. Do my husband and I go and kill them with kindness?

Hi there,

Hmmm it sounds like your sil and especially your brother are not meeting you half way. It's tough when it's family to really recognize when they aren't investing at the rate you are and when they aren't ever likely to. Even when you do see it, it's hard to accept, stop investing, and stop expecting them to act like it seems like family should. It doesn't sound like this unreciprocal relationship between your families is good enough for you. I know it would certainly not be good enough for me and I've dealt with my fair share of these weird hot/cold (mostly cold) family dynamics.
Being raised by a self absorbed parent makes this even more challenging. You grew up with a relationship model that involved loads of investment on your part and little from your parent - especially if you were the scapegoated child! This can lower your standards so that you find yourself tolerating the intolerable and trying to make it work.

It sounds as if you may be coming to terms with the low level of involvement your brother and sil want to have and need some support about the awkward situation you're finding yourself in with this party.

I wouldn't go because I'm introverted and have no energy to spare  :) The buzz of the party wouldn't make up for the energy lost being around the sil and brother.
Do you like parties? Are you dying for a night out? Do you enjoy spending time with these mutual friends? Would the benefits of going counter the energy lost seeing your brother and sil there?
If so, then go! If it were me, I'd put space between myself and them and focus on having a good time. If it gets uncomfortable, head home early and have a nice bath with your sparkling beverage of choice. Make it your night whatever that takes. 
The key here is to ask yourself now and in every moment what is the kindest thing you can do for YOU. That can guide you in the right direction no matter what comes up.

Take care