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Title: New member Introduction Post by: fembats on June 01, 2017, 03:07:07 PM Hi there, I'm fembats, and my identical twin sister has Borderline Personality Disorder.
My sister and I had the same PTSD trauma therapist for nine years and it made communicating with her easier because there was someone who could help mediate. After a family intervention my sister went to treatment program for a few months and upon arriving home has been doing so much better. She goes to private therapy and group therapy every week with DBT specialists, which is great, but I feel like I've lost the mediator. Now I'm living at home with her and there are parts of her DBT treatment that I am personally struggling to comprehend. I want to support her and help her as much as possible, but sometimes the things she insists I need to do to help her just don't make sense or seem unfair to me in regards to our relationship. If I just need to get my head out of my ass and learn I'd be more than willing to, but a sort of troubling thing that happened today made me decide to sign up for this forum and expedite that learning process. We were on the couch hanging out with her dog when he playfully jumped up and scratched my face. When I took care of him when he was gone this wouldn't have been a problem because I kept his nails short, but my sister hasn't been taking care of him and he left a bloody cut on my face. I was admittedly upset by this and told her that she needed to start taking care of her dog and use the nail trimmer. She said she needed to disengage and that I wasn't allowed to talk to her for 15 minutes and she walked away from me and the dog. I feel like that dismissal in this situation crosses a line. There comes a point where my emotions and my hurt need to be recognized the same way I recognize hers when I acknowledge her need to step away and disengage. I could be totally wrong, I don't really understand DBT yet even though I've read about it. I've asked her to join in on my therapy session with her old therapist (who she really liked, 9 years!) but she won't. TLDR; Basically not sure what to do when every time I've been hurt or upset by her she just needs to disengage. It feels like she's using DBT skills to ignore my feelings without follow-up Title: Re: New member Introduction Post by: Naughty Nibbler on June 02, 2017, 12:05:01 AM Hey fembats :
Welcoming to the Community! I'm so sorry you are having problems communicating and getting along with your sister. Quote from: fembats My identical twin sister has Borderline Personality Disorder. My sister and I had the same PTSD trauma therapist for nine years and it made communicating with her easier because there was someone who could help mediate... .I've asked her to join in on my therapy session with her old therapist (who she really liked, 9 years!) but she won't. So, you still have individual therapy sessions with the "old" therapist, is that right? Just wondering if other family members have mental health issues? :)id your sister have some specific trauma or abuse? Quote from: fembats Now I'm living at home with her and there are parts of her DBT treatment that I am personally struggling to comprehend. I want to support her and help her as much as possible, but sometimes the things she insists I need to do to help her just don't make sense or seem unfair to me in regards to our relationship. The link below will take you to a DBT self-help website. Visit it, click around and explore. It might help you understand what your sister is learning, so it will seem less foreign to you. www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html Quote from: fembats We were on the couch hanging out with her dog when he playfully jumped up and scratched my face. When I took care of him when he was gone this wouldn't have been a problem because I kept his nails short, but my sister hasn't been taking care of him and he left a bloody cut on my face. I was admittedly upset by this and told her that she needed to start taking care of her dog and use the nail trimmer. She said she needed to disengage and that I wasn't allowed to talk to her for 15 minutes and she walked away from me and the dog. I feel like that dismissal in this situation crosses a line. There comes a point where my emotions and my hurt need to be recognized the same way I recognize hers when I acknowledge her need to step away and disengage. I can understand your frustration and a need to have your own feelings validated. Unfortunately, you aren't generally going to get that from someone with BPD. Depending on tone of your voice and the way the message about the dog's nails was delivered, she might have felt invalidated. Best to use "I" Statements or "We" Statements, instead of "You" Statements. i.e.: "The dog scratched my face and I'm angry because it wouldn't have happened, if his nails were trimmed. Please trim them. If you need help with the trim ask . . . (you for help, someone else in the house, etc.) The video at the link below on how to use "I" statements, and the quote below, should be helpful: "I" STATEMENTS (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0) Quote from: www.kimscounselingcorner.com/feelings-2/own-your-feelings-with-i-statements How To Use I-Statements: Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc. I feel __________ State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings. when __________ Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you. because __________ Let the person know what you want instead. I would like __________ . Example: Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario: I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood. Below are some links to info. on validation/don't invalidate: DON'T INVALIDATION (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) MORE ON VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE (http://www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#Introduction) VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATION (http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html) Validation can take some practice, and sometimes it might not work for the most skilled person. So, it's okay to just NOT invalidate. I think your sister was using a strategy to: TAKE A TIME OUT. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0) It would have been better, if she indicated she would get back with you to discuss further. Perhaps, if you delivered an "I" Statement, the situation could have been been handled, without her taking a time out. Title: Re: New member Introduction Post by: Turkish on June 02, 2017, 12:06:55 AM Hi fembats,
*welcome* It's good that she is on DBT, and it sounds like her response about the 15 mins may have come from that. Despite she being in DBT, which is hopeful and good, it's understandable that you are frustrated by her behaviors. I personally love animals, but a pet owner not taking responsibility would make me angry. PwBPD are emotionally limited and often unable to empathize. We have tools here which can help reduce conflict. They can help: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0 I know it's a lot of info. We will support you in understanding and helping things get better. T |