BPDFamily.com

This is my first post here so I hope I am doing this right. My girlfriend of a year has BPD; something I have known from the start of our relationship. I love her and I'm willing to do anything to help us through difficult patches of our relationship and navigate her BPD together.

Over the last two months she has become extremely critical of me, far more frequently than she used to. I think it is because some added stress at work is not helping her mentally at all but I don't really know how to cope with it. I'm starting to become extremely self conscious.

Two weeks ago she told me I'm never interested in what she has to say, even though we talk for hours about her life every day. Yesterday she told me to 'stop being so weird and self conscious' because I'm watching what I say so carefully. She started shouting at me, saying that this far into our relationship I should feel comfortable around her. Then she started to become self destructive, saying it was her fault for making me so careful of what I say. Then this morning over breakfast she shouted at me again, saying I'm not trying to change my behavior even though the previous conversation was last thing at night and we'd just woken up.

I really don't know what to do. She says she's too busy to see a therapist at the minute, and I know she's very stressed but I just feel so self conscious and criticized all the time. I don't know how to talk to her about it in a way that won't cause her to spiral into self destructive behavior; we once had an argument over the phone when I told her to 'grow up', and she messaged me five minutes later to tell me she was self harming and it was my fault. I want to try and work through this but I don't know where to start.

*welcome* Ti789,

Everything you tell is very common in BPD. You are gonna find a lot of people here that share your pain. I'm really sorry you've been feeling so hurt, and so lost. We all have been there.

People with BPD have a base line (a normal state) that equals our "very stressed" state. Then when they are indeed stressed, they reach levels of "emotional arousal" out of the charts. That feels unbereable and they react in ways that are not conected to reality, to their goals, or their real feelings. Sometimes they are even aware of this, as if they were looking at themselves in a movie, unable to stop or to change themselves. And that brings them shame and a feeling of uselessness. Which in turn, makes things worse. Thinking about becoming a better person, or asking forgiveness, can stress them again and they chain crisis after crisis.

We need to learn about their individual experience, to understand what is happening. And then, we have to take change of our own actions, and our role in the relationship. Without the guilt of having done things that didn't work, and understanding our mistakes.

It's very common that people refuse therapy. She might change her mind. Give her time. Be patient and start reading the basic tools, you're gonna find many new ways to talk to her to start making things better for both of you.

One thing I've herad here, from the report of one person with BPD is that they need a target for their anger. That target is us, it doesn't mean that we caused that anger, or that the things they tell us are true, they can't just be angry , they have to be angry at us. But we are the ones that have to work out to understand it's not really about us. And learn to experience it in a different way. That defuses some situations. And the ones that it doesn't defuse, we have to learn to take an exit or set a boundary that they will learn to respect. Easier said than done, but there is room and way to improve things.

Stay strong.

You are becoming self-conscious because you are walking on eggshells. You are scared and trying to avoid triggering a new splitting episode. This is making you cautious. You are thinking too much about her and not about yourself. Bring the focus back to yourself first.

Next time she tells you to stop being so awkward and conscious, just tell her politely that its also her responsibility to make you feel comfortable. If she is nice to you, you will automatically start feeling more comfortable. This might trigger a episode. Don't fear it. If she triggers an episode because of this, just tell her politely that you will talk to her when she calms down as you do not want to go into a negative discussion or verbal fight. She might plead ':)on't leave me'. Tell her you are not leaving but will be back to her only when she calms down. She might threaten you with self-harm. Tell her truthfully that you see self-harm as sign of a weak person and see it very negatively. This is called setting boundaries. This will do 2 things. First it will give you back your sanity. Second it will train her on which  behaviors are not acceptable. If you keep giving in to her game, then what incentive does she see for changing her behavior?

Its good that you have prior knowledge of what your girlfriend has. Being prepared always helps. However since you are ready to put so much effort to improve the relationship, however remember that its takes two to improve a relationship. Just one person carrying everything on his shoulders does not help/work. I hope you understand what I mean. Make sure, she is putting some effort and trying to do things to improve the relationship (like she is trying to control her behaviors, she is thinking of therapy etc.) The result is not important but the efforts are. If she doesnt want to accept any responsibilites or take any steps from her side to improve the relationship then its time for you to take a hard stand and tell her that if the relationship has to work, she has to do her part else it wont work and it is unfair for only one person to do all the hard work. If the situation comes to that, make sure you take this stand. Remember that sometimes people (specially immature people) change and get better only when they get a shock and a rude awakening. That's the way nature works. I wish both of you well.

Welcome to the board!

People with BPD really have a way of picking up on the tiniest bit of nervousness in us. When you begin to walk on eggshells, you may put off a weird vibe that can be unnerving to her and although she is not being attacked, it may cause her to feel attacked.

One thing I've done when my H tells me I'm acting suspicious or nervous, is to be honest. I might say something like, "You're right. I've been feeling a lot of tension between us and I'm not sure how to handle it." This actually opens up the door for us to talk about what is going on. Sometimes it has nothing to do with me; other times he is upset about something I did.

There are a lot of great workshops on the right side of the page that can help you learn new skills to prevent yourself from walking on egg shells. As smart_storm said, if you can work on these skills before tension builds, then you will be more prepared to handle situations when they come up.