BPDFamily.com

I am about 1.5 years divorced.  Have noticed big improvements but recently been looking to move from marital home which has stirred my pot of past emotions.  I was telling a friend that moving was hard and forced me into more acknowledging and releasing of the past. He nicely told me to get off the pissy pot and to move on.

Guess I am finding it hard to give myself validation for my feelings.  Not missing the disordered her, but I am missing having a life partner and feel sad that I have to do big life stuff as a single guy; which all just takes me back around the bend of what happened to us and why etc... . 

I also have this gnawing gut feeling that she is telling my story to others we know, in a kind way, but with a manipulative bent that paints her in a good light and me as the sorry sot who can't get his junk together.

Anyway, I am rather sick of all this past emotion coming into the present.  I dont want to obsess and think perhaps that I stink at "letting go".  Seems like it is harder to do when you are alone.

I definitely have traits of OCD in terms of liking to have things in order in my head, good plan of action, etc. But then I can be very impulsive in my plans sometimes.

I think I'm along the same line as you. It has only been 10 days of real NC but outside of 1 mini recycle we've been broken up since january. But I think about it all the time. I think it's because I had a plan wit her. Dedicated finances to prepare to be with her as she was bad with money. I had this life all figured out with her.

I think, for me, a part of letting go is accepting that I "fell for it". Especially after my first BPD ex. It's hard to accept that I was basically used. I did allow it. And at many times I told myself to get out. But I thought it was me running out of fear based off my first BPD ex.

And it is harder when alone. I could literally pick from,maybe 5 girls who would adore me right now. But I won't. I won't use them. I can't be IA relationship. Probably forever. It hurts too much. Now I absolutely fear ever caring for someone else bevause twice I have been destroyed. First ex I did give up. I pushed her away. Even though BPD she did try to improve "us". This time i was dedicated and was the one willing to improve for us.

 I dunno. It's been a rough day. But I hear what you're saying and I can relate.  I just want it to all go away already.

1.5 years isn't long at all in the grand scheme of things, especially not when it comes to recovering from a more than usually difficult break up. I've noticed that 'first times' and 'last times' can be especially challenging - the first birthday celebrated alone, the last time you shut the door of a house you shared - so moving out of the marital home was always going to be hard. I don't think you're being obsessive. Obsessive would be insisting on staying in the house because you couldn't bear to let the memories go. You know you need to move on, and you are doing so. Maybe it would help to design some kind of ritual to help you let go of the house? On the day you leave, write down all the things you miss about having a life partner, all the things you fear, and then shred it or bury it somewhere. Then, when you get to your new place, write down all the good things you hope for and stick it on your wall. I don't know if this sort of thing would help you, but it comforted me and encouraged me to refocus on the future whenever I found myself slipping back into difficult memories.

As an aside, my ex was diagnosed with OCD in addition to BPD. He would break out into a rage if I hung my backpack in the wrong place. Once I went to bed before he did, and he woke me up screaming because I was sleeping in the wrong position with the blanket the wrong way up (it looked identical to me!). I actually feared physical violence from him that night, as he was repeatedly kicking the mattress and pushing me, he was so enraged about the blanket. He thought I'd done it on purpose to upset him. Just seeing the letters 'OCD' gave me a flashback to that night. Sometimes I miss having a partner too, especially when I'm falling asleep after a tough day at work and I could really use a hug, but then I remind myself of all the things I definitely don't miss... .