BPDFamily.com

As many of you know, not only did I date a BPD, I surrounded myself (unknowingly) with them for a big chunk of my life. Hence to me all this was "normal" behavior, until I realized it wasn't.

The valuable "gift" of the Borderline.

 I am currently grappling with how to handle my ex-best friend who I work with. She wrote me off over a year ago and pretty much slandered me to most of MY co-workers (we work in departments located directly next to each other). She told them all about my weight loss surgery, my sexual orientation, everything. Things I never disclosed that went all the way to my boss.
 This is a 55yo woman who I was, well I thought I was, good friends with.

In the past year I moved to the other side of my floor where I am now located directly next to her department. She has stopped by my desk on several occasions to talk about her daughter and what is going on with the new puppy she bought. She never asks me anything about myself although she did recently ask what type of weight loss surgery I had because one of her friends recently died from Gastric surgery (I find it ironic she asks me this since she told everyone about my surgery). She's asked to borrow my "tape gun" or if I have any extra boxes (I run our promotional program and usually have a ton of sample boxes" likely as a ruse to initiate discussion. What I noticed is she ONLY approaches me when my boss and the co-worker she slandered me to the worst is NOT in the office (the co-worker sits three seats down from me). She is friendly when these folks aren't around but not when they are in the office which is the majority of the time.

I am smart enough to see why she is doing this and I know everyone in her department strongly dislikes her. I did not really see it until I moved into this department that she is very gossipy and spends more time at others desks than at her own. She probably works 2hrs a day total.

I am being serious.

I want to tell her I know she told my co-workers a lot of horrible stuff about me and she is nuts to think I even want to make small talk, however I am afraid in doing this she will "amp" up her crappy behavior.

Things overall have been calmer and this is my place of business. I don't want drama, still I don't want her to think her behavior is acceptable and I am OK with it, because I am not.

After everything happened I was horribly sad and now she means nothing to me, I really am indifferent. My career took off leaps and bounds once I let this friendship go and I've made much better friendships since her. I had no idea how much I was unliked at my job, mostly due to associating with this person. I was lumped into the same category.

She is so insecure people like me better than her, she will do anything in her power to destroy me, not thinking at all that we are adults and this is our JOBS at stake, our livelihood.  She would be elated I lost my job if it meant I would suffer. She doesn't think of the long term consequences of "ruining someone". She is very reactive and retaliation driven in the moment.

One of my employees is a friend of hers (more an acquaintance) and when I am at this woman's desk she will walk by and address her by name with a "hello" but not me. She is very hot and cold, passive aggressive but I truly don't care anymore.

To give a short backstory, my BPD ex sister works with us. A few years ago my ex's sister sent me a FB message that if I even looked at her the wrong way she would go to my boss and get me fired. I never reported it because I knew it was her way of keeping herself "safe" and it was a control issue, still, I confided in my friend so when we stopped being friends she tried to do the same thing. She actually sent me an inter office IM that she was going to go to my boss and tell her I was stealing from the company.

Well I went right to my boss and she ended up in HR.  She actually told HR she was trying to "scare" me and she knows it was the wrong thing to do, that I am very well liked at my job and a good worker.

So you can see why I am sitting here confused as H_ll why this idiot would approach me after doing such heinious things. That tells me all I need to know... .she is not operating like a normal person and the best thing to do is stay the he_ _ away from her.

I think I may have answered my own question, . Do I just be cordial to keep the peace and she goes away? She only does this every few months or so. I just feel like I am enabling her bad behavior by being nice after the terrible things she's done. That is what bothers me more than anything.

Your advice/suggestions welcome!

PW
 

It is very confusing when someone who has treated you badly, unfriended you, or whatever, then starts acting more pleasant to you and seems to be making efforts to repair the situation. It places you in a difficult situation.

I would see her behaviour as any one of the following:-

She has seen that she has made a mistake, and wants to build bridges with you.

She wants to be seen by others in the office as a warm hearted person and that she is seen to be making an effort to build bridges

She is setting you up for a fall, by bringing you in, only to rebuff you again

She is bored and wants to start a game, with no real motive at all

She feels guilty for her poor behaviour earlier and just wants to make herself feel better by being nice to you.

And I'm sure there are others. And thing is, she may not even really know herself.

I would try not to challenge or escalate the situation, but I would be very cautious, and sometimes in situations like this, where there is no right answer, then perhaps give it more time and see how her behaviour pans out. It seems like you are already noticing patterns, maybe more patterns will emerge and her true motives will become clearer.