BPDFamily.com

Im interested to hear the things they ask you to do all the time ? (driving them about, cooking etc),
Also the ones the really shock you and leave you thinking and how the react if you dont do exactly as you want ?

Mine never asked me to do anything... .

Of course the constant pushing away caused my helper gene to turn into codependency and became an issue because I did too much and apparently smothered her.  Mine wanted time to be alone and independent... .but she always acted so helpless and needy... .they are all so different.

Damn... .where do I begin... .
Drive her around, especially in the snow
Buy her coffee and bring it to her job/home
Buy her food and bring it to her job/home
Take her to the mall
Take her to the beach
Take her to concerts
Asked for money a couple of times
There's more I know for sure... .just cant think of them right now. We basically did things when she wanted to.

Yeah my ex also played the helpless/needy card to me, even said I suffocated her too when she pushed away and I reacted. Our relationship revolved around the phone as she would barely want to go out due to "depression" Id also always have to pick up her calls but when I called I usually got voicemail till she called back with an excuse. She would tell me not to show up randomly at her home or work as its what her exes always did, and she felt it violated her privacy... .so my hands were tied from all angles in the relationship. Its so bad how ___ty of a relationship it was yet I still would like her to reach out to feel that her love was real and validate the relationship, as I feel 4 years of my life were just tossed in the trash.

You mean other than financially support him while caring for our children, keeping the house clean, cooking, providing "physical intimacy" on demand, and giving his life meaning?

Does turning a blind eye to the irresponsible/hurtful and straight out destructive things he was doing while I was doing the above count?

These are the ones that bug me the most... .

• Make phone calls for her
• Write emails/texts for her
• Run to the store to buy cigarettes/candy/pop for her

I love how while ill (either with the BPD alone or with that + other mental or physical symptoms) they "hold court" in bed with friends. who may or may not be interested in them romantically, gathered around at any hour, those same friends, while on their way out, being asked to take out the trash, etc.

Anything and everything - particularly as it pertained to his son. He wanted me to "mom" his kid so that he could wallow about amidst whatever the crisis of the moment was. I also found myself doing a lot of general cleaning - never was directly asked, but he would act annoyed if it didn't happen.

I'm with BeagleGirl on this one. In everything she mentioned.

Plan everything -- from big trips to what we were going to do minute-by-minute every weekend. Anything that went wrong was a failure of my planning.

Do all the bills, housework, and most of the child care. She didn't really ask me to do these things, but she let them all slide to the point where I had to intervene or there'd be consequences to our family ... .and then it became an expectation that I would do all these things.

All the driving. All the financial management. Constant affirmations of love. She demanded "grand gestures" to prove my love. Follow dozens of ever-shifting rules on how I was supposed to speak and interact with her, or be subject to long lectures about my failure to communicate. And so on.

A lot of things. Drive, buy meals, make her coffee in the morning, walk the dog, download her music, come over to watch the dog while she did something else, get her water (she definitely built a resentment when I said "you have two feet" once.) buy her things, pay for the dogwalker (and she'd pay me back... .she never did)etc.

See here's the problem. I was okay with doing these things. I started to get upset when I realized that she wasn't doing anything nice for me. Sure I rarely asked. And I didn't need anything I didn't ask for. The only time I asked anything from her was when I would ask her to compromise on stuff (walking the dog for example on alternate days), I'd ask for intimacy sometimes and when she turned me down she couldn't understand why I stopped asking or trying to initiate contact. And when my grandfather died I told her I was broken and needed emotional support. Only times I asked something from her. We can all guess how that turned out .

I find myself doing a vast majority of the house work, caring for my daughter, same stuff as all of you have said.

Which made me wonder - when I left for a business trip this week, what would happen?

You know what? Everything miraculously got done!

Which THEN made me wonder... .

Maybe I'm doing the WRONG thing by "taking care" of my pwBPD all the time.

I always thought I was such a great guy, doing all these great things, why the h3$# doesn't she reciprocate? Why doesn't she do the same things for me?

Therapists, friends, they've all said, If you never step back and give your pwBPD the chance to figure things out on their own, then that's exactly what happens. They stop even trying. Makes sense, right? Look at this thread and look at all the stuff WE do! There's nothing LEFT for them to do! I'm not saying they'd WANT to but even if they did, we're ALWAYS on it!

I don't have any delusions that she'll suddenly start giving me shoulder rubs spontaneously, but I'll bet everything would be just fine in the end if I said "eh, you know what, it's YOUR turn to give D3 a bath tonight!"

Just sayin'

I agree with a lot of what you said. I tried that, stepping back. He's at home, I'm away at work. He does do some things, but very few, usually under protest, and he wants never-ending appreciation for everything.

I tried the, 'Your turn to bathe DS9 (at the time, three)'. I got, 'But you know what he likes.' 'I HATE doing that, can't you?' Been sitting on his behind for an hour, 'I'm busy, will you handle that?'

The funniest part (and it's laugh or cry) is that he's quick to remind *me* that it's bath time. Then, when DS and I figured he was old enough for showers, I got lots of blowback for MONTHS from hubby. He finally accepted that I was right, DS was old enough and that if he wasn't going to handle it, keep his opinion to himself.

It's been five months since he made tea, four months and two weeks since I did - until he finally 'broke down' and made tea. Once he did, I followed suit. Since the tea I made got drunk, he washed the pitches and stored them where I can't even reach them. Because he was tired of making tea - after 8 years of his giving tea to our DS (back to the days of bottles) and telling me I make it wrong. So, if I'm wrong, I'll stop making it. But he won't make it. But he wants tea in the house. Um... .

What I've learned is that I have to pick what is worth a battle. If it's worth it - like taking the time to bathe and bond with our son, I'll fight for it. He is the man, this is our boy-child. He owns some responsibility in showing the boy how to be a man. Like the most efficient way to shower and how often to shower to stay clean. If it isn't, like the tea, I do what I'm willing to do without resentment. I don't do what will make me resentful, because that is poison to the r/s.

Much the same as everyone else

Driving
Driving her to her mum's 4 hours away
Paying for food
Ordering her food when we didnt live together (never gave in to this one!)
Take her shopping
Take her away for weekends

My favorite one was when she kept dropping hints about polyamorous relationships. Even shared articles about it on her facebook. I kicked off about the facebook thing. Said shes insulting me in front of my friends and family. She deleted the post
Finally i snapped and said i would try it (had no intention of actually trying it) and mentioned i had an ex who was in to it so i would contact her(i dont). All of a sudden that wasnt allowed. She was allowed numerous partners but not me. She never mentioned it again... .

Shes a student and her brother is an author. He has 2 books published and she does the shipping for one of them. Maybe 5 orders a day. Guess who ended up dispatching them for her for the length of the relationship. That's right... .muggins here. Even during the discards when she was off with my replacements i was shipping them out. The few times i wanted to stop she would kick off that i was throwing it in her face that she needed my help and she should never of trusted me blah blah blah