BPDFamily.com

Hi all, it has been almost 5 years since I was active on this board and I just wanted to say hi.

I have a long story to tell and will when I have a few minutes/hours to write the post.

In the meanwhile I have spent the past couple hours re-reading my old posts to help ground myself - and see how far I have come (although as you may have guessed slipped a little lately).

Welcome back. I'm anxious to hear what's been going on for the last 5 years.

Hi All, so a little background... .As mentioned I spent a few hours re-reading my old posts to ground myself.

This is where I started -
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=162862.msg1557902#msg1557902

And for lack of a better place to mention... .this is where I ended - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193882.msg12197536#msg12197536

The huge blow up mentioned (its hard to believe) was Feb. 2013. And as someone mentioned in the replies was an extinction burst. After this huge blow up, my wife of coming up to 20 years, changed DRAMATICALLY. I mean she was like a different person (loving, caring, sexual, understanding... .you name it) for the better part of 3 months.

I was seeing a therapist through this entire ordeal and "new" it wasn't real and wasn't going to last (it didn't of course) however developed a plan to help me better understand my boundaries, self worth (confidence) and needs. And over the coming months and years learned how to set and hold my boundaries in a way she learned how to accept.

Through most of the past (almost) 5 years things have been "good". No "major" disregulation (LOTS of minor stuff... .to much to mention).

However, late last year I developed a rather serious (but temporary) illness - which had me hospital bound for six days and then home needing a lot of help (mostly driving... .I could not drive) for another two months. The diagnostic process was very intensive (discussing MAJOR illness like cancer, brain tumors and MS... .thankfully it was none of these) and extremely stressful on all of us - but through the entire process she was "great".

When I was sent home however, I noticed a significant change - back to some of her old behaviours (mostly self loathing and then projecting this on to me). I dealt with it the best I could in my limited ability at the time - and mostly as my heath improved so did the changes in her mood.

As the story goes, recently "she" injuries her self (very minor IMO... .of course I did not tell her that... .and tried to show her support, understanding and the extreme validation she required) - and since the injury she has again slipped back into the self loathing and projection.

Until 2 weeks ago I was dealing with it the best I could... .until  I realized that one of my BIGGEST boundary had be broken without my even noticing it:

it is NOT my fault any more (note my screen name)

I was taking and accepting blame for "things" that I were "clearly" not my fault and were actually HER doing.

So, I put my foot down and enforced the broken boundary (that was 2 weeks 1 day and 2 hours ago). I will NOT accept the blame for you not feeling valuable (yes VERY invalidating... .I know... .however this is the boundary). And I will NOT justify or explain what I have done to make you feel valuable (as you all probably know... .this is a rabbit hole... .no answer I give would ever be accepted).

That is the very short version of a very long story.

I will try and add more detail as I go... .but for now... .I just need some support from an understanding community as I find my way back to my therapist for a "tune up".

 
 

Good luck... .I am sure it wasn't easy to go through what you did without any real support. I am always thinking how those married to BPD people are so lonely, and when you need support - especially emotional - it's even worse.

Yes, good boundary!