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This afternoon, driving to the car shop to pick up our other car BPDhub decided we needed to talk... ."let's go for a drive"... .I should have known better and said no but my optimism won since he started DBT and has been saying all the right things... .
Our "conversation" quickly escalated to a full blown fight with him telling me that I don't respect him, yelling at me, accusing me of being the one with problems a it's not only him who's messed up, calling me a hard ass, (should take it as a compliment, !), gas lighting, telling me what I am thinking and then lying about what I said, accusing me of being the one with anger problem who takes it out on him, and finally telling me that just like my mom I will eventually leave him like she left my dad... .(Totally not what happened between my parents, BTW, although they did separate for a few months it was a mutual decision and my dad did the moving out, however they got back together and ended their life as the greatest love story on earth!)

Now, from a logical point of view, I know that all that has nothing to do with me and it's all him, all his irrational fears and thoughts and his inability to have an actual productive conversation (i.e regulate his emotions).

But I am so fed up with it! Fed up with the yelling, the rage, the swearing, the lying, the twisting of what was said and done, the gas lighting and the accusations! I am fed up with the roller coaster of Jackyl and Hyde.

How much longer can I take it? How can I manage my own wellbeing when he is being so abusive?
We have been married for 20 years, have teen kids and I am just losing hope that he will ever change. He says he knows his behavior "doesn't work" but then he goes on to blame it all on me and says I am the one who is messed up - how am I expected to just say "oh well, he doesn't really mean it" or "don't pay attention to it"?
I need perspective and a sense of hope because right now I just want to pack up and leave, which I can't really do with the kids and our financial situation. I also promised him to stick around while he does DBT as I know it's a process and doesn't get better over night.

Oh, and we are supposed to go on vacation to another city for 5 days in two weeks! How can I possibly do this and stay sane?

First let me give you some hope. Every time an expensive vacation seems to come up my pwBPD seems to find it within her self to behave.

However, If you are expecting he is going to change you are setting yourself up for future struggles.

Remember JADE.

Remember your boundaries - emotional abuse is still abuse. You do not have to accept it... .and there should be consequences to it.

Thank you for your reply.
I am reading about JADE and SET - it definitely will take some practice as now I do react in a way that probably escalates and fuels the argument.

I am looking for videos that explain and show how to do that - any ideas?

Sorry to hear that you had to deal with that. I am new to This board but in reading your post it is as if you were telling my story. This will make it easier for me not to take the words and actions of the BP as a personal attack. If they were married to someone else they would do and say the same things. I find that very disarming. It's just how they are. As for the upcoming vacation... .I've been there too. My experience is that she cycles quickly and by the time the upcoming event arrives I am back to being wonderful. My evil past is not a factor. I hope that is your experience also.