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Though I don't always approve or appreciate I can rationalize the behaviors of my BPD partner. I am concerned for our 8 y/o child and how they can manage- Any links to helping the 8 y/o to understand that the behaviors are not a result of them-

Hi AUTO,

Welcome to the BPD Family   I'm glad you've jumped in and decided to post.  I've pulled some information from over on the co-parenting board that you might find helpful.  You might want to join the members on that board for more discussions on strategies for supporting your son (the board says after the split but it is really for anyone co-parenting with someone with BPD)  To get to the co-parenting board just click on the "BOARDS' tab in the green tool bar above to bring up all the boards.
Then Click on the co-parenting board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Take Care,
Panda39

Hi AUTO. I wanted to join Panda and welcome you to the bpdfamily boards.

I have been where you stand, and it is a hard place to be. There is a lot about BPD that I began to learn, because neither my disapproving nor rationalizing (normalizing) my xw's BPD behavior helped her, myself or my children. And you are so right to have concerns for your 8 year old. How is your partner's relationship with your child, in general, and during dysregulation? What outlets of support are there for your child right now - group activities, counseling, extended family?

My S11 was subjected to rages when he triggered his mom by having or displaying strong emotions or upset. Xw's attachment to him was impaired from birth, but it grew worse as he got older. My role ranged from criticizing my xw, pitying her, protecting son, capitulating to xw's views of son to "support" her, to neutral bystander, to advocating for son, removing son(s) and enforcing boundaries. Every day I came home, I never knew what I would encounter, but my goal was always to pacify my children and wife.

Now that I am stepping out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and am out of the household, I am learning a little better that my primary role is to validate my children's experience and feelings, whatever they may be. That is the normalizing I seek to do now - to let them know with my words and actions that their feelings are okay and healthy, that they are not responsible for their mom's feelings or mine. I wish I had a do over wand, a time turner, but I think the best that you can do is to enforce a non-shaming boundary if you see abusive behavior occurring directed at your child, protect them first, and ask validating questions to help them reach their feelings, normalize whatever it is that they are feeling. These are all the things that the pwBPD never got and why they developed the way they did.

Others here can chime in with more information. Many are a lot further down this road than me, but I really respect and admire you for looking out for your child. Avoid rationalizing. Avoid disapproving. They often make things more volatile. Hang in there and keep posting.