BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

Is the dynamic different when you leave them? We’re not in a bad place, and we broke up amicably- I broke it off with him this time. Anyone else had this?

Had that recycle two weeks ago where I left and told my BPDex that I was not going to sleep with him. We had lots of talks about his BPD/ASPD and were pretty close. He told me he can’t be in a relationship with anyone. When it’s offcially called a relationship he’ll get to the point where he HAS to push  and splits. I know this and have seen it. We were acting like a couple but this also gives him freedom to have no commitment of any kind and he can do whatever he wants. The engulfement seems tot be the big issue with him after the idealization is over. So first, in idealization it is the abandoment which transfers into engulfment. Is this common? 

So after I left the last time he was LC for about a week and then surfaced again. We do work together and this Friday I found myself at his house again. I heard rumours about him seeing someone else and he’s on his phone all the time. I realized I don’t want this and don’t need this in my life. I can’t trust him. I want a relationship and he can’t give me that. So Friday I told him that I came to say goodbye. That I can’t do this while I’m wondering if I’m the only one. He said he doesn’t want to fight. I thought this was pretty weird as we weren’t fighting. And I told him that we’re not fighting. He said that he isn’t dating anyone else and I told him that that is not the point. The point is he can’t commit and I’ll always wonder about it. And I deserve more. After that I left. He sent me a text “didn’t see tat one coming”.

I’m just feeling weird now. I don’t know. A few texts yesterday and today. I’m just replying as we were in a good place and I don’t want to be weird about it. But I am struggling. I miss him. I miss my friend. I miss hanging out. I miss the talks, his attention, the flirting, everything. I don’t want to split on him as I don’t want to do the same as he did to me before but how do I deal with this then?

To be honest, I don’t want to hear about my replacement, or him dating anyone else. Will he eventually go away? I’m hurting and I know he’s trying not to split on me because we talked about that. But now I kinda wish he did. Now the feeling of loving him but not having him doesn’t go away. In my mind I know this is a good call but my heart is aching for him.

Have to see him in the office tomorrow.  Any advice?
XOXO

This is just my experience. I finally left left first. It was semi friendly. Just sad. For two weeks we spoke and I didn't commit to getting back together and didn't want to drive all the way up to spend time with her. I asked if we could meet halfway.

After 2 weeks I asked if she wanted to hang out and that's when she said she didn't want a relationship. I feel like the second I gave her the control she took it and I have been in the position of begger/crazy one ever since.

In your situation, you have to do what is best. But as you said, you seem really conflicted but I hear your heart telling you what you need to do.

She asked me to be friends all the time. Even after the recycle. I told her I couldn't. For that reason. I didn't want to be her friend, help her only for her to tell me one day that she has found someone new. Just my thoughts. You seem very strong to be able to do this so far.

Thanks for replying. The first time he split on me was very confusing as he just disgarded me and there was NC for a few months. Later I realized -I work with him- about the BPD/ASPD. He did tell me but I was clueless. Now after the 'recycle' - and I broke it off he is still talking to me. Like if he wants to see if I'll stick to it. He didn't try to stop me or talk me out of it. He just let me go and walk away like that. It did make me think about what I read a lot- look at their actions- he doesn't care. That hurts the most. He only cares for himself. And a part of me doesn't want to believe that. He was so open with me about his disorder and what he does. But even when I told him how much he hurted me, no empathy. There is a lot of Shame. He is a really sweet guy but I know I have to walk Away.

Do you think it's about control? I think he knows what he's losing, it's that he doesn't know how to hold on. But now that I left the dynamic is different. He is dysregulating as I see it in his changing profile pic and Some other actions. I don't want to block him Because of work and I don't want to be this mean person. I know it's about me, I did the detaching before- almost 10 months intil the recycle- NC for about 3 months, LC Because of work after that and he had a replacement. Well multiple actually. He seems to go through these 4 month cycles. I see a lot of how he works these days actually.


Thank you, I try to be strong. I honestly know we can't be together. Too much has happened. But is does hurt. I actually came to see that I've no boundaries. And I've abandonment issues myself and low selfesteem. Been working with a T and wallking away from my BPDex is a huge step for me. I can see now that I don't need him to know what a beautiful person I am. So in a way I'm gratefull for the experience but boy does it hurt. It's all about the journey right, not the destination.

Keep your head up Roberto! We'll get There. Step bY step.
XOXO