BPDFamily.com

I don't know if anyone has ever looked at all the old posts on this forum. But I was browsing and some things were all to familiar and something I didn't even really think of.

1) our partners sought us out because we were strong people. They thought we could rescue them. After enough time we became shells of ourselves and they weren't able to use that anymore. OR, which is what I did, I started standing up for myself and being firm in things our relationship needed. Back to being strong. Well when we get strong again they don't like it because we aren't being controlled anymore so they leave. A real life Catch-22.

2) a post about how they displace their anger onto others instead of the abuser. Her mom could be emotionally and verbally abusive to her even recently before we broke up. Calling her a disappointment and stuff. I remember when she called her mom to come get her dog and she refused. She then called me and asked and I told her I would but a few hours later. She raged on me. Really raged. Did she rage at mom? Not in a million years. She would cry and be utterly hurt. Like a child. Which is probably how I'd feel if I didn't know whether my mom was going to rage at me or put me down. And mom took care of her in other ways. A grown woman having her mom drop off toilet paper for her and paying for schooling she wanted to do.

I even remember when I'd get angry during arguments because I couldnt get her to participate she'd hold onto it and always say "you said mean things." One day I said "well your mom says mean things and you let it go." Her response was "we can't pick our family but I can pick my boyfriend".

Just wanted to share as these were 2 interesting things. Also looking back at the old posts (2005 and on) shows me that people can make it. And people do heal from this.

mine was and without a doubt still is abused by her kids and their dad.
She took all her frustrations she had with them onto me, I used to tell her that if she could show that anger at them they would treat her better.
A few times I told her that the abused had become the abuser.
I ended up someone she could take it all out on, the one person who treated her with total love and respect, she said there is an old saying about we take things out on the person we love and are closest to the most.
That's just not acceptable.
I wonder who she screams and shouts at these days.

remember that we were discussing yesterday the dangers of applying the situations of others to ourselves and creating a narrative that distorts the bigger picture.


our partners became our partners for any variety of reasons, but id be careful about what one labels as "strong". most of us have some weak relationship skills; "strong", or mentally healthy and grounded people dont get mired in the kind of relationship turmoil most of us did.


strength, or over compensating with a person that wasnt on the same page?



'
this also sounds a bit like overcompensating, and its forceful. it can really pay to know the fair fighting rules: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164901.0




they can and they do; ive had the opportunity to work with hundreds if not thousands of members, and the ones that go from victims, to survivors, to thrivers, gain a balanced perspective of how their relationship broke down, and where their own coping methods and skills were falling short; they learn new tools and skills and take them into healthier relationships. its hard work but its achievable.

1. Well in my case I was externally "with it" at least. We were co-workers and I was highly valued, and praised for the work that I did. But in all honesty, she probably knew I was single. Had judged me from afar enough to see that I was a decent and kind guy. And, most importantly, threw out flirtatious words and behavior which I finally took as bait. It was funny, she was starting to flirt with me for a while and I just ignored it at first. I think my gut knew better.

2. I don't know if it was overcompensating or not. I think I finally had the "aha" moment where I saw that she didn't really care about me as I thought she did. It was kind of like I stepped outside of myself and saw that the person from the beginning was a distant memory. To be fair, it was the first time I had really told her that I needed us to both work on this. And it wasn't in a demanding way as I type it. I literally sat down with her and we spoke about what we both would like to see from each other. But I noticed she wasn't putting in any real effort. Which is when I did leave. I think a part of me finally saw that I needed better. I caved quickly however which is when she turned the table.

3. Well I never said I fought fair   The first few times in the beginning I tried to have open, honest conversation about my feelings with her it turned into "do you want to break up?" or she wouldn't talk. Even as I tried to speak to her about that happening it just wasn't going to work with her. Maybe if I did better at communicating in a more appropriate way I could have gotten some stuff out of her. But it was difficult. And it would have not worked in the long term. There was never understanding from her. No matter how patiently, politely, and calmly I spoke. And never an apology. She would revert to hurt kid mode and sulk or defend with anger. To learn early on that she didn't want to talk about feelings if it was about "us" and then finally just having enough of the suppression that I had to speak which eventually turned into anger. It was a "rock and a hard place" scenario for sure.

I might see this as the mutual attraction was based, in part, on their perception of our stability and/or strength or promise and on our attraction to their idealization and validation.

Typically, failings in the relationship (all relationship do struggle after the honeymoon phase) and this erode the "hope" or the "fantasy" and things break down.  They expected us to be more stable/stronger than we were. We expected our partner to always idealize us.

Ironically, this phase threatens all new relationships after the honeymoon phase. It's where a lot of relationship get killed. My observation is that this struggle is much worse in "BPD" type relationships for a number of reasons related to both parties. For the partner it is the loss of a dream. The same is true for us - when the idealization starts to normalize, it rocks our foundation.


I think we have seen a lot of cases where partners pulled us down because they were struggling and feeling bad inside - making us hurt was some consolation for their own pain. It is dysfunctional coping.

Hi roberto,

Just responding to your subject question - I have had a little look however can't seem to find a function to search by topic or keyword, which would be really helpful to know about if it exists?  If not, and any moderators are reading, it would be a fantastic tool to add.

Hope you are feeling good today in yourself and being kind to you.

Love and light x

Yeah it's a valid point and I never thought of it in that way. From my end I finally began to see after about 15 months "Where did that original person go?" and for her it was probably "Where did that original person go?". I guess for me it was the validation. Not that I needed to be bombarded with it 24/7 like in the beginning. But honestly just one kind word about my appearance, or a surprise gesture of intimacy of affection. She used to get me gifts here and there (much more infrequently the last year) but I would always try to tell her that the kind words, hugs, random kisses where what I felt were the things I'd like. Not that I dismissed her physical gifts. Difficult to do that with someone who probably didn't know what real intimacy is. And from her perspective, perhaps, she looked at me and wondered where the guy went who wasn't angry, was always happy, always catering to her etc, and who never would threaten to leave. Made for a bad toxic environment.

I hope I can learn to better express my needs and be with someone who is able to understand and reciprocate that (or at least really try) and to not get frustrated when I feel I"m not being heard by finding alternative ways to communicate my feelings (Again, I don't think however I phrased my feelings would have mattered due to the traits). For her... .well I don't know. I hope she learns listening skills, empathy, and realizes that a relationship needs to have work put in (especially when you don't want to or else you won't ever see the beautiful rainbow that comes after the storm). Thanks for the insight into myself Skip.

There is a help function here:
(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/messageboard_toolbar_top.png)

Item 18 explains "Search".

Thanks Skip

Love and light x