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I feel like I got a serious wake up call last night.
My so wBPD has been in and out of rages for a solid week. Every single day. And it's the same theme: "you are not a partner. you don't take care of things when I'm so busy and so stressed. you don't care. you are so selfish"
the fact is that she is very busy and very stressed. I have not done enough to keep a calm and organized space for her. I do care but she doesn't see it in my actions that is substantial (because I'm someone that is up in my head a lot- which could be seen as selfish).
last night was rough- I did not keep her updated enough when we were supposed to go to a friend's house- i was in terrible traffic in terrible weather. I thought we resolved it later at home. I did not empty the dish washer and that just set her off. she was yelling so much and she demanded I leave the house and she took my key away. I packed some basic things and went to my car in tears. I didn't know where I would go. . she walked out to the parking lot to watch me leave and I turned around and just cried in front of her. We then talked until 4am relatively calmly about how I'm not meeting her expectations, how done she feels and that she's at the end of her rope.
we went to bed together and this morning, I accidentally did something minor that caused her to rage again- but she got out of it pretty quickly. we left to go to work, hugged and said I love yous. But nothing feels ok to me.
my head feels so heavy, I feel physically sick, my nerves are so shot. I feel like I can expect nothing more than another rage tonight when we both return from work. I also feel like I have an opportunity to do things better to have her feel loved and cared for, at least for tonight. How do I reset to do the latter? I don't think I can handle another rage.

letloverule, first thing I have to say is that I'm so very sorry this is what you have been dealing with lately.

Another is that you seemed to be focused so much on making her not rage at you that you are not taking care of yourself.

I didn't want to give advice, because I really don't have any. I just wanted to let you know that you are heard and you are welcome here.

I hope someone else can give you good information that can help you.

I think everyone has their limit.  But that limit is different for each person.   

My thoughts are that

You did not cause her rage
You can not control her rage
You can not cure her rage. 

I thought I could cause/control/cure but once I realized I did not have that much control over her... .it became easier for me internally.  I stop 2nd guessing my actions that would, may, or could trigger her.