BPDFamily.com

Hello.  I've been in love and dating a amazing woman who has BPD, but just in the last month and a half, we have been experiencing the push pull effect to the fullest extent.  Now I've took it upon myself to learn as much on the disorder as I can and I'm still learning.  But the one thing I haven't found is when it comes to boundaries.  It seems that as soon as she pulls me in, she starts to push again, and the one thing that hurts the most is when she assumes that I don't think she knows how to do something. For example today, I just simply asked how her child and pet was doing, and she responded with, "fine... .I do know how to take care of them". And this is a boundary I need help setting. I want to tell her that everytime she thinks that I'm assuming she doesn't know what she's doing, that I'm going to back off for a bit to let things settle. But I don't know how long that should be, or if she should be the one that makes first contact afterward or if it's me. 

Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I know she's an amazing woman and an amazing mom, but this is so emotionally draining on me. 

I'm no expert at boundaries (still an apprentice) but here's what I'm working on.

Boundaries define what I will and won't accept in terms of behavior.

Consequences define what will happen when boundaries are crossed.  The best consequences (in my opinion) are natural consequences because otherwise they can feel like punishments.  At least that's the big issue I have with my BPDh.  He feels "punished" and holds things against me and says that my lack of forgiveness is the root of all our problems.

So here's an example of a difference between natural and created consequences.  BPDh leaves rotting apples on counter-top.  Besides having to live with rotting apples, fruit flies start to become a problem.  The fruit flies (and the any activities related to getting rid of them) are consequences.  A created consequence would be me refusing to prepare meals in a kitchen with rotting apples and fruit flies.  See the difference?  Both are valid consequences, but one can be "pinned on" me.

Are there any natural consequences you can leverage here so that she is less likely to feel punished?

One other thing I'm learning is that communicating what your boundaries and consequences are is optional, but enforcing them consistently is not.  :)  Make sure that whatever consequences you come up with are things you can live with enforcing.

I appreciate the advice.  But seems it just pushed all the way again.  I tried to say my boundaries and when I first started talking, she kept interrupting me and wouldn't let me talk at all.  I couldn't even get a word in to do any validation of her feelings.  Several days ago, she said it meant a lot to her that I was taking on myself to learn about BPD, and then today, she said it was an invasion of her privacy.  And then she said it all had to be about me.  That everything had to be about me.  This is not the first time that she's gone off saying that everything I do for us, or for her was all about me.  I am completely at a loss now and the question is will she do the pull part in a day or two?  That seems to be the trend lately.  I just don't know anymore... .