BPDFamily.com

He everyone. I was married to someone with BPD co-morbid with NPD and/or ASPD for just 2.5 months. He gas-lighted me for a few months, moved in, and slowly became a different person: Did the Idealization - Devaluation cycle. We got married (I have codependency issues). He psychologically abused me during the devaluation. He relapsed on methamphetamine and finally turned violent and hit me in the face a couple times. I have always heard it gets worse, gave him 24 hours to apologize (instead he told me I deserved it) and then called the police.  I am very thankful I did that. The DA didn't charge him, but I did get a 2 year restraining order. If it wasn't for that restraining order I would be screwed! 

I am getting better day by day, but this has been my hardest breakup ever. My friends don't understand, and told me to "get over it" and "move on."  I am just looking for some support and help on how to deal with guilt (believe it or not). I am no way going to get in contact with him.

Hi Miko.  I'm so glad you're out of this situation.

I dated a guy with ASPD when I was younger, and your story sounds very familiar to me--idealization, then alcohol abuse (on his part) and gaslighting and psychological abuse, finally escalating to physical violence. I understand the feelings of guilt. In my case, my ex had a horrible childhood (abuse at the hands of his father and a gang rape at the hands of older male cousins when he was seven), and as a result I excused his behavior for a lot longer than I should have. I would tell myself that if he could take all his anger and pain out on me, it might help him somehow. I told myself that if I stayed despite the way he treated me, it might show him that I really loved him--someone finally really loved him. I thought it might heal him.  I was young. Twenty years later, I read that and think WOW was I off base.

It sounds to me like you have a very good intellectual grasp on your situation. You know you did the right thing by getting out, you know the abuse would only get worse if you stayed (absolutely true). The problem, as is the case with so many of us, is that your HEART doesn't necessarily want to believe that. That and your codependency issues. So I think the key is to find a balance where you acknowledge those feelings, acknowledge that they are part of you and you are working on them, and make a commitment to yourself (and to people in your life who love you and to whom you feel accountable) to let your head do the driving.

Hugs and peace--it gets better. 

Hi Miko, you have come to the right place.  Many of us in a BPD r/s deal with FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  It is common and as you experienced, many common friends do not understand what it is we are going through.

Glad you can see the guilt as this is a good place to start with healing.  Also, it seems that you have a good grasp on self-protection and your need to keep yourself safe, great job!

It does take time to process the "why" we are involved and feel guilty when we are the object of anothers abuse, but in time it does happen.  I would like to recommend a book titled "Stop Caretaking the Borderline"  It addresses many issues that you bring up and provides very clear understanding of ourselves.

Glad you posted.

J