BPDFamily.com

I have the urge to snoop and check on my ex--I want to channel the word and thought vomit swirling through my head here :)


I think of the self as a vase that's filled with water. The vase being symbolic of the body and the water is your life force or whatever the intangible stuff that makes you, you. The years I was in a relationship w/ my dBPDx, my vase was drained. To the point where after the relationship was over (after lots of crying and begging on my end) my vase was empty, I literally (and still kind of do) felt like I didn't have enough me -- for me.

It's been almost two months since I went NC after trying to have a "friendship", and I look back on the last 6 years (4 years in relationship, 1 year sleeping together, 1 year of fake NC bc I was intensly cyber stalking) and I can't help but to think "what a waste". I feel like I wasted the best years of my early 20s chasing after someone who... .just couldn't, wouldn't, be with me in a way that was healthy.

Wasted on someone who was so happy to just drain me of my life force, and when I asked for the same dedication in return I was made to feel needy. Wasted on someone who I gave my everything to and got nothing but lies and betrayal in return.

I'm angry because I let it happen, many times. There were points throughout knowing her that I thought "being there" and continuing to give her my loyalty, my friendship, myself was something noble. There were parts of me that thought "if I stay, she'll see that I'm worth it, she'll change, she'll be with me"

Stupid, stupid, me -face palm-

I can't believe.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. How I was completely willing to dedicate my life to make her happy, because it made me happy. I hate myself that there are moments (like right now) that I miss her and wish to the universe that she would reach out. Even though I know that if she did, it would make me very angry, as I wouldn't get what I think I want.

I remember the first time I went NC I had just graduated from community college and started a new job. I was so happy, started going on dates, I was started to feel like me again. Then one day while I was at work she gchatted me, and it was like getting punched in the stomach. It was a simple "hi, how are you?" But it had the force and power of a tornado. Not to long after I started cyberstalking her, reading her personal messages, and "gathering intel" if you would. The Information gave me a sort of power that motivated me to "give friendship a try". Which was really invading privacy and using the information to hopefully get back together. What a waste of my time.

I'm trying to do something different this time. I've gone cold turkey and I can feel everything. It's hard. I feel like a junkie having withdrawals. The urge to log into her stuff can be sometimes overwhelming. But, I don't. I don't want to -- my brain does but *I* don't want to. I don't want to see pics of her and her new boyfriend l, I don't want to see her fuc*ing face, I don't want to get my feelings hurt, and most importantly -- I just don't want to know.

I don't want to waste my time anymore.

I'm with you. It's not getting any better.  I obsess every day. I give her credit for taking me back after every discard. But a hotter more intriguing guy was all that was needed for her to go off the radar.

I don't check her social media. If she's not posting a daily attention grabbing selfie she's probably posting a picture of him. 

We spoke on Friday and she said she's moving to Arizona in a couple of years.  After only three weeks. This after her career here just took a major upturn. I didn't ask if it was with him but I know how she rolls.

I've always mourned hard.  This pain is here to stay

Fantastic I could have written everything you did. The self-anger, those conflicted feelings wondering "I need to get out of this relationship. But no... .you can't do that. She has to see that you love her wont' she?"

Dedicating one's life to see your partner happy and actually wanting them to pursue goals and dreams. All of it. Take solace that none of this makes you a bad person. Take solace that you care about others. Take solace that you are a kind, caring individual who will find that true happiness one day. There's nothing to be ashamed of for loving someone and believing that they also knew what a relationship entailed. It just means we are human. 

Thanks Roberto ^_^ I have to be reminded of that sometimes.

And Helplessly--the pain is NOT here to stay. I know it doesn't seem like that now but dispite my post it really does get better. I post on here when I'm having bad days and bad days are common when the wounds are still fresh.

When I went NC the first time and was really concentrating on focusing on me -- sometime went by and it was literally like one day, I didn't think about her and when I did -- I felt nothing. It was great. But I messed up, it happens, and unfortunately when those slip ups happen and you get reattached you have to start back at square one and that's where I am. And perhaps square one is where you are too, and that's okay.

Last time I saw my ex, we were sitting in a diner. After three months of "friendship" I couldn't take it anymore and told her that I still have feelings, and how i saw there was still something between us and wanted to grow old with her. You know what she said?

"Yes there is something between us and we can grow old together but, I want to settle down and start a family with a man. Plus I could never make you happy"

Now that knocked the wind out of me, but that last part "I can't make you happy" rang truer than the sky is blue. She can't, and that was perhaps one of the most honest realizations I had experienced.

It's hard. It's damned hard to get over these relationships, and it hurts. But, to put a positive spin on things -- it's an opportunity. It's an opportunity to get back to you and to take the time to build a better you, a stronger you and a more self-loving you.

The relationship made me realize that I have some serious codependent issues, issues that I probably wouldn't have ever noticed if it wasn't for that relationship. I think that's a good thing. The conflicting feelings, the ruminating, etc is part of the process I know that and I want you to know that as well.

Mourning is okay, it's normal, it's almost like that person died. But from spending time on this site I'm accepting the fact that what really died was the perception of what I wanted the relationship to be or what I thought it was. The death of the fantasy. That's what we really mourn over and it fu*king sucks. But, again -- it really does get better, I know it doesn't seem that way but I promise you it does.

A mini point I guess I was trying to make in my post is that it's not worth wasting time over someone who'll drop you when its convenient for them. And I would say the lot of the folks on this site and genuinely good and decent people that just wanted to give the person they loved the world on a silver plater. I want someone to treat me with the same amount of love that I treat them, and I'm sure you do too. But, we wanted those things from people who are incapable of doing so. Luck of the draw I suppose.