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Today I found out that one of my coworkers, who is a good friend of my ex, applied to the company she works for now. I immediately felt tense and began to shake. To go off of this, a few weeks ago I had sent my ex tickets to a festival she had asked me to get for her during the recycle. I told her I was still going to send the tickets as it was her birthday present and she never replied to that. I have a message in my spam folder which is probably a response to getting the tickets. The trigger had me almost immediately going to check the email. But I haven't yet. It won't be a good message. I'm definitely painted black so it would proably be "I don't want the tickets." Even if its to say thank you it would still upset me. I have every plan to just ignore it and wait the 20 something days for the spam email folder to automatically delete the email. But it's funny that first, I felt triggered just by hearing about the place she works now and two, how my immediate reaction was to check the email. Just needed to share.

Hi Roberto,

I can relate to this, it is hard receiving information about an ex that we then have to process that we had no idea was coming. i work in a very small industry and I find it so hard that my ex is mentioned all the time, people don't quite understand the long effect hearing how 'thriving' she is doing will have on me. In saying that, it is like the whole detachment process I think and we have to deal with in small steps. How are you feeling a few hours after you have this information? what have you done in that time, have you been able to keep busy for now?

Thanks early. It feels good to be understood with this. I reminded myself that I don't have to react to this information. One of the things I have been trying to work on is to not react when I'm triggered. It's something I failed at miserably in the relationship but I thrive not reacting in all other areas of my life.

I just came here and read some posts. I just reminded myself that this wasn't a good thing and the person I was with was not capable of love in the sense I thought. I guess I just rationalized it and reminded myself of the truth.

It does suck though. It's a much better company and she is probably making more than me even though I am a supervisor. It's just hard because I picked her up, encouraged her (Even to take this job after she had ignored me for weeks and then reached out) and then she is now in such a better spot than me. And here I am just trudging along. I still remember a month or so after the breakup she told me "Someone you work with called my co-worker and said you are depressed (I guess they didn't know we had broken up yet). You need to get over this because it's effecting me at work"

But you know what? I don't think she is in a better spot than me. I know deep down she is still running from her emotions. And here I am feeling, understanding, gaining insight into who I am... .faults and all. I will walk this path of pain and come out feeling much better. I feel sad for her that she saw the path to self-growth and has probably just walked around the edge of the uncomfortability hoping very much to never run into uncomfortableness again. So I guess I have that going for me.

Roberto

Take pride in sending her the tickets.  It was a birthday gift and you followed through with your word. If she decides to use the tickets, or not is on her. You can't control that.

As far as what she might or not being at her new job, just take it as a blessing that you don't have to see her everyday. People will talk. It's just workplace culture.  Her name will pop up from time to time. Take pride in what you do. If she is doing well, then all the better.  You'll gain satisfaction in being the best you can be.

I'm curious. Do you think the coworker who applied at her company has a romantic relationship with her?

Stay Strong Roberto. You got this.

No definitely no romantic relationship. She's a female who is married with kids. They've just been friends (if you want to call it that) for a long time. I know her next relationship will come from a co-worker there. It's her MO from what she has told me so it's just a matter of time.

I guess I just need to process the anger. It just stinks that this person uses people for what she needs and always just comes out on top no matter what. And I spend all this time lifting her up, supporting her and then just to be discarded. I know the part I played. But the discard would have came eventually.

Just a lot of annoyance going on. That old saying "Nice guys finish last" seems all too relevant these days. Oh well. Just need to soldier on.

Nice guys dont finish last. No, they go on forever  :)

I know how you feel, it seems there is no justice and that some people can do just anything.
But Im still sure that they are playing only with their luck and one day karma will catch them. We just need to be patient.
Some days it is incredibly hard, but we must remain focused. We need to delete them from our memories.

Hi roberto516,




I know how it feels when we see our ex when we're grieving, maybe now is not the right time, maybe you could start working on goals after things have stabilized for you. You were supportive of her, it sounds like you coached her, how about doing the same thing for you?  :)o you have goals? Is there something that you'd like to achieve?

Honestly there aren't many goals to go for right now mutt. I'm at a point of just existence. I guess the thing I'm really struggling with is to read that email or not. I was going to wait until therapy on Wednesday to open with my therapist but it's really nagging on me.

I'd rather just get it over with ya know?

I'm curious, why not just delete it? Is there a relief or validation you think reading it might bring you?

Waiting is a good choice, the news made you think about the email, I'd suggest that you don't make a choice until you don't feel triggered, you don't want to lean too far one way or the other, you could try using wisemind where the logical mind and emotional mind integrate.

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind)

Hey Roberto, knowledge of self is a major key... .if you can, feel good about what you gave your ex (time love and energy) knowing that you can give that to another woman someday, or deeper still, you can give it to yourself... .find your center. (What does that mean?) remember who YOU are and that you don't need your ex to feel whole... .think of this moment, not the past not the future, but right now... .you CAN control this moment, and you can have discipline and wisdom and training to be the best Roberto you can be... .and it probably feels better knowing that you are getting better everyday. I see it in your posts, slowly but surely you/we will rid our minds of the foul stench that are exes give us... .maybe in the future another woman (or your ex) will fill our minds with pleasant thoughts and we will know that it is right... .until then F THOSE BEOTCHES... .for now anyway.she will come around if she is supposed to someday... .give the tickets to someone else, or sell them on stub hub or something... .they are a trigger and I advise you to get rid of them asap... .same with the email... .what good is reading the email gonna do you? You probably want her to say yes I'll take them and I want you to go with me. Guess what? Only will bring you more pain... .hope this helped, sorry if I seem ignorant, just trying to give you some strength. Peace

This is an excellent response.

No no I appreciate all the feedback. A couple weeks ago I told her I would give her the tickets and I had mailed them out a week ago. I'm assuming they finally arrived. When I told her I was sending them she didn't respond.

I don't need to read it. I did some meditation earlier and it helped me ride the wave of anxiety... well it was actually fear based.

But it's true. No matter how good someone is doing externally because of situations it doesn't mean anything if they aren't learning about themselves and their uncomfortable feelings. Not to make it sound like I'm better than. But I'm working on myself as best as I can. I'm embracing the loneliness, solitude, anger and fear. I'm not running around doing everything I can to make the feelings go away/give my life a false and shallow purpose or identity.

I'm doing alright. I weathered this storm to the best of my ability. Thoughts are still there but I'm doing my best to keep it on the feeling.

Riders on the storm brother... .I'm with you

Stay strong. It sucks when the ex's name is brought up. It is hard not to react and even harder not to react negatively. You are in a better place without her though. Just stay strong!

Thanks jax. It's just a perfect storm ya know? Literally everyone I work with is jumping ship to this new place. I have to get over the anger that I've been dejected for so long and she just is able to move onto bigger and better things by propping herself up at my expense. She never loses. She dumped her ex for me and he was distraught and she was on cloud nine with me. Then she dumps me and is living this life of absolute happiness and here I am struggling just to exist.

Deep down I know this is just a momentary high for her. The happiness will slowly start to diminish for her yet again as it always does and she will try to fill that void. Not that I feel good about that. But I'm working on myself more than I ever have which will lead to long term contentment (I hope). Doesn't bring me any comfort right now. I'm just trying to find anything to hang my hat on recently.

I know. I don't know how they get so lucky. The first BPD stole my thesis topic in graduate school and she got a good job right after graduate school. I watched her thesis get cited, when she knew nothing about the topic and I began talking about it. A few months later, that was her "idea".

Now, the 2nd one is moving up the ladder for work quickly and I have no idea how/why. It just doesn't make sense sometimes.