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My uexBPDgf has messaged me today telling me she's not happy I'm telling people she cheated on me as that she had no reason to do that and she's innocent of leaving me for another man.

Ok my story in short, I'm 7 months NC. We were on and off from August until the end of November when she finally told me it was over. During those months we were still in contact everyday and were still having sex once a week. Not once was there any mention of another man in the background. Not once. Even to this day she still hasn't mentioned my replacement and they have been together since the day she told me it was over. Or in my opinion from about June onwards. I obviously have no proof and it's their little secret but a week after she told me it was over due to her needing to concentrate on her kids, needing to "find herself", and spend more time with her girlfriends, she was spotted doing the food shop with her "new" man holding hands and her 5 year old with them. Now clearly she is a vile human being and I'm well aware of that and all the BPD lack of self awareness, lack of empathy and the rewriting of history they do to justify their selfish actions.

But I feel a need to message her back today.

I know I'm never get the reply I'm wanting but I just feel I need to get stuff off my chest. Help me guys x

What do you hope to gain by responding?  Are you over her?  If you are, then what's the point?  And if you're still grieving, you know the answer.

Hi JHKMX,


Do you think that it's possible that you have the urge to reply because the trigger is that she contacted you? My advice is to not JADE, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0), she's baiting you.

What I hope to gain by responding is to give her an ounce of realisation as to what her actions have done to me over the last year. Just a small taste of how she's almost destroyed the one person that was always there for her. We were together 3 years and she had lost her husband 6 months before we met. (Drink n drug cocktail overdose. In my opinion he couldn't take her emotional abuse any longer)  She has 3 boys that I brought up as my own sons I do still have anger towards her regarding the way she treated me.

I am getting mixed advice from my friends. Some are saying message her some are saying don't.

I'm miserable today x

Any other time I would agree Mutt but I told her mother 2 weeks ago that she left me for another man. The only reason I told her was because she kept asking so many questions. I thought it was obvious that she left me for him but apparently her daughter "isn't like that" haha.
So she maybe has only just heard from her mum about the conversation we had. Although she has initiated contact with me 8 times since Christmas so a reaction is maybe what she's after.

I would rather vent on here than to her though so thanks for replying.

Hi JHKMX,

In your last post you mention that you still have anger towards your ex.  Do you remember how you felt when you first went NC?  Was it difficult and painful for you at the time?  This may sound like a stupid question yet the reason I ask is, would you want to risk starting back at square one with those feelings all over again by opening up lines of communication at this point?  Because that is a risk we take when we break NC to make a point.  I agree that venting on here is a much healthier and safer option.  7 months is an achievement and one that would be a shame to waste when you are surely making progress.  I'd say it's natural to feel triggered by her contacting you and want to react but you know it can't lead to the outcome you desire, or else your issues with this woman would have been solvable, wouldn't they?

Love and light x

Hi JHKMX


I'd like to echo Harley Quinn regarding anger, I can understand wanting to clear things up with her mom, her mom is going to be loyal to her D and she may see her in a different light than you, I'd suggest to not JADE to her mom, you're not obligated to defend your ex, that being said. Three people creates a triangle, you answered her mom then she went to her D, her D went to you and now you're here. I guess that you could say it's cause and effect? You could put the boundary on yourself in the future that regardless of how many times her mom asks you something that you're not going to answer, she'll eventually stop.

Look at her actions, know that what ever you send her she will take as she will depending on her emotion of the moment.
Focus on you!