BPDFamily.com

After last mediation and nearly complete PP (in collaborative divorce), I met with my L and discussed bringing in a child specialist.

At the end of the day, I believe my children are getting better attention and care at my home than uBPDxw. I took the experience and comments some of you have given me to heart, and decided despite more cost and time, better to explore all avenues before signing and sending in a parent plan that may not be in my children's best interest. My S11's T will be used to consult with the child specialist (CS). The CS is a PhD child psychologist/psychiatrist and recommended by my L. His one reservation is that she is more quiet demeanor, and we both wondered if she would resist xw's strong feelings=facts assertions.

To be clear, CS won't do psych eval, but will interview parents, kids and S11's T and present findings to collaborative team - divorce coach/mediator, xw L, my L. My L says CS can make recommendations on parent time, but he says this CS is conservative in terms of recommending changes. The other CS is younger, therapist and yoga instructor. My concern is that my xw is very new age oriented and speaks great language about positive energy, compassion, healing etc. but she can't really do any of that in close relations (as we all know). I feel like BPD is best met with more clinical approach, hence using the first CS. Options for CS are limited.

L also informed me that there is a forensics psychiatrist who can be brought in to do "parenting evaluation" which is a mini psych eval for both parents. We both agreed that is available but not first option.

Lastly, L recommended discussing relocation of children in a 4 way meeting with xw and her L. He recommended proposing language in PP that if parent with primary custody wishes to relocate, then remaining parent gains primary custody. I doubt my xw will agree with that language, but I think it's a good idea. Nothing is entered with the courts, and we are trying to establish what is best for the kids. Now that I have 3 months of time taking care of the kids in a separate household with no evidence to suggest they are not thriving, this is the right time to push for this.

Thoughts? I know that BPD is inimical to a collaborative process. I even told my L that I am moving closer to dropping out of this process and moving toward litigation if I feel the children's best interests are not being protected. The basic difficulty is that practitioners who are drawn to collaborative divorce are generally more peaceful, empathetic and compassionate personalities. And unfortunately, gentle doesn't work with pwBPD. Critical to have clear, consistent boundaries and communication.

I don't understand the purpose of the child specialist.

I'm also in the midst of divorce. The judge ordered a custody evaluator. The evaluator does interviews, observations, etc. -- not dissimilar to your child specialist. The findings of the evaluator have great influence on the judge, so they are also used to pressure us to come to agreement. In that sense, the custody evaluator has some real authority in the divorce.

Your child specialist will put together a recommendation (for money), and ... .then what? If your ex doesn't like the recommendations ... .if you don't like them ... .what weight do they carry?

The CS makes recommendations to both lawyers. If she finds that xBPDw has primary custody but kids are suffering abuse or not doing well, PA or the like, she'd advise changes to the parent schedule. It's collaborative so no one has to accept, but her L would try to convince her that if I choose to go to court, results of eval would be used.

Do you think your wife would accept a negative finding from the specialist?

Do you think her lawyer would/could convince her?

You know her ... .you tell us! I'd be concerned that it's easy to paint this person black, like anyone else who challenges her self-image.

I doubt she would listen or accept the CS evaluation. But she may listen to her L. It's hard to say. He seemed able to convince her that she was not entitled to the house and everything in it, even "her" things. She has moved towards agreeing to sell the house to split equity. So he has more influence than me, but that's not saying a lot. I look at involving the CS as due diligence and adding more third party record to establish our parenting behaviors. My L felt it was a good idea to have the CS evaluation to try to reign in her talk about relocating with the children.

Good luck!

So as of today, there is even more need for a CS. uBPDxw spoke to boys about "what was working/what was not working" and determined that S11 sees himself more with her than me. I sent her text to my L and her L and said time for a meeting. We can bring the CS in to provide neutral evaluation.

Very pissed off at her right now. Not surprised, but angry that she put the boys in the middle.

Doesn't help that this is the same S11 that had a tantrum while she was driving and she said "he put his anger into her", causing her to want to crash the car into something. [She didn't]