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Title: First Mom, now sister...the cycle repeats Post by: madeline7 on June 24, 2017, 10:29:19 AM Not sure where things went wrong. I really don't feel like posting specifics but my sister abruptly stopped communicating with me this past year and we are barely civil at family gatherings. We have usually been on the same page since dealing with an uBPDm for many years. I finally had a conversation with her after being left out (again) for a group event, and she basically said she did not want to work things out. Plans are made and changed mainly around her immediate family, so I have told my other sister and Mom that I will no longer be involved with any planning. I am considering going NC with sister after being NC and now LM with Mom. I don't think my sister is a BPD, but rather unfortunately messed up due to the affect our Mother had on her. So here we go again, this time with a sibling, and I have just had enough. I don't think this can be resolved (she does not want to), and I am struggling with where I fit in to the family and how it will affect my kids who really do like their cousins. I am in deep grief mode, first with the realization that I did not get a parent who loved me unconditionally and now a sibling. I am very angry and know that under that anger is pain and hurt. I am in counseling and understand what is going on, just so very unhappy with how things continue to take a nosedive in this so called family of mine.
Title: Re: First Mom, now sister...the cycle repeats Post by: Woolspinner2000 on June 24, 2017, 09:37:08 PM Welcome Madeline7!
I'm glad you have joined us here, and thank you for sharing with us. We are here to support you. I'm very sorry for the grief you are wading through. Grief is hard, and it isn't always wrapped around the physical death of a person. Much of my own grief has been wrapped around what I lost in my childhood and in my relationships, especially that with my uBPDm. Grieving is necessary, and unfortunately is very much a necessary step. Here is a quote from an article by Pete Walker: Excerpt It is difficult to become motivated to grieve losses that occurred so long ago. Many of these losses seem so nebulous that trying to embrace grieving is a bit like trying to embrace dental work. Who wants to go to the dentist? But who doesn’t go once the toothache becomes acute. Soul ache is considerably harder to assign to the losses of childhood, yet those who take the grieving journey described below come to know unquestionably that the core of their soul ache and psychological suffering is in the unworked through losses of growing up with abandoning parents You are on the road to recovery. Good for you. |iiii Keep going, and keep sharing with us. Wools Title: Re: First Mom, now sister...the cycle repeats Post by: Fie on June 26, 2017, 04:23:23 PM Hello madeline7
I want to let you know you are not alone. Both of my parents are still alive, but due to my mum's BPD (and dad's NPD ?) we don't see each other. I have a sister who's not interested in having contact at all. Unfortunately she has taken on some of the traits of my mum. They both are very enmeshed. My paternal grandmother is BPD too. My other grandma, who I loved dearly, died. I do have an active social life, but life can get pretty lonely without family of origin. I feel like I am the only sane one in the family. I have a daughter who has been grieving about this too. She also, like your children, likes her cousins and wishes they could meet and play. But it's just not possible and I think it's very sad. You are not alone. Title: Re: First Mom, now sister...the cycle repeats Post by: madeline7 on June 26, 2017, 05:12:44 PM I guess the hard part is that first I went NC with Mom, now LC and hoped with boundaries I could make this work for me. I guess I didn't think I would have to set boundaries with a sibling. I was always there for her during her life challenges and now I feel like no one is there for me (in the FOO). With 2 out of 3 remaining family members having issues (and having me painted black), I feel like I am the one that has to bow out and miss family functions. Of course what exactly am I missing out on since most of the family is toxic. But it still hurts and angers me, and I am fed up with the cycle of dysfunction.
Title: Re: First Mom, now sister...the cycle repeats Post by: Insom on July 05, 2017, 12:14:05 PM Chiming in, Madeline7, to say I hear you! My extended family is in disarray, largely, I believe, because of my mom's disordered traits. I'd love to have a closer relationship with my sister and her family and wish we could both be more there for each other - especially as our mom ages - but sister seems to have really checked out so I am apparently on my own with this which makes me feel quite sad.
Title: Re: First Mom, now sister...the cycle repeats Post by: madeline7 on July 05, 2017, 08:18:48 PM Yes, the key word is disarray. Your words ring true.
Title: Re: First Mom, now sister...the cycle repeats Post by: pyropsycho on July 12, 2017, 09:57:29 AM That is frustrating. My situation is a little different because my sister and I have always been enmeshed, but she's showing more traits as we get older so I've had to set some boundaries with her lately. It's hard because we've always bonded and been able to vent about our mother's dysfunction, and that was really helpful to me. Lately, she's been telling our mother some of the hurtful things I've said about her, so I feel pretty betrayed. Maybe your sister just needs some space? It sounds like she may be angry, but it's always hard to tell why if people don't want to communicate with us, especially about feelings. If your sister also has some BPD traits, maybe she's started to draw parallels between herself and your mother and that's why she so suddenly changed camps. Just speculating.
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