BPDFamily.com

I am 30 years old and my boyfriend is 33 we have been together a year and a half I love this man more than  anything in this world. When we first got together it was rainbows and butterflies and about 4 months in I found out i was pregnant we unfortunately lost the baby at 6 weeks, but he changed when we got the initial news. He would flip flop back and forth on a daily basis with moods he would flip out for no apparent reason, tell me i'm the best thing to ever happen to him then a week later i was the reason for all the bad things in his life this has continued in spurts ever since. I have sadly gotten  used to it i chalked it up to him having PTSD from his time in the marines and possibly a little bi polar mixed with the use of anabolic steroids. His family life is unstable at best father tells him hes a dissapointment mother is codependent and constantly giving him self serving advice and doing anything to keep her close to him. I have a bachelors in psych and just recently thought about looking into BPD i talked to my therapist about it ( i go for other reasons) and he gave me 9 things to look for and refereed me to some books. I brought his up to my boyfriend and presented him with my findings and after some thought he has agreed that he has it he is willing to get help but he is scared. I have found the tips for dealing with someone you love that has BPD to be very effective. Now where the present problem lies he was involved with a girl before he met me he had feelings for her for a very short amount of time and after getting to know her decided things would never work with them. They were intimate 1 time and she was married while this was going on (she gave him a sob story about abuse and things of that nature) not saying he was right for his part in it but it happened so we cant change it now. He took on guilt and responsibility for their marriage eventually ending ( he does that with a lot of situations which i think is partially because of his mother) she also made it very known that she blamed him. Fast forward almost 21 months later and she is still his "friend" he lied at different points about the extent of their friendship he said it was to save a fight and not hurt my feelings because he knows his intentions and there are none beyond friends with her. She went out of her way to find out that her grandpa and his grandpa were friends and brought this to his dad (who is less then intelligent) now she pops up at his house "to see his mom and dad" (he currently lives with them until august when his house is ready) and he has the occasional interaction with her. He gets very upset sometimes when i tell him how this makes me feel because he doesnt understand and he thinks i'm trying to control him, but then other times he's open to my thoughts on it. I am at my wits end and I don't know how to approach this, I dont trust this girl and given our new discovery with his BPD I feel having her around adds un needed stress and conflict. He doesnt see her as a stress or conflict because she is just a friend. Am i over reacting? I need advice.

To add to this my own insecurities may be playing a factor but i feel like this girl is the reason for so many of our fights and i dont understand why he can't see that?

Hi lostandconfused6,

*welcome*

I don't think that you're overreacting, considering the history that they have together. I'd feel frustrated if my partner was trying to defend someone that he was casually with and say that their friends. I can understand if it was an exgf and they were on friendly terms. BPD is an attachment disorder, a pwBPD will quickly attach to someone and won't completely detach from someone, I'm not saying that this is the case with your boyfriend and this person because I don't know their r/s.

As you already know, a core criterion for BPD abandonment, abandonment fears, the core wound of abandonment, a pwBPD will try to create exit plans in their current r/s to circumvent being abandoned, perceived or real. This could be such a r/s, I'm not sure how attached she is with him, but if they've been friends for 21 months that raises red flags. What do you think?

I think this girl is still holding on to the glimmer of hope that 1 day they will be something despite what he tells her... .and he doesnt see it that way to say he has few friends is an under statement he really has none other than that girl and the friends i have introduced him to. I think he doesn't quite grasp the boundaries of a friendship. I also don't think this girl is all there mentally from what i've been told by a cousin of hers and people that have known her through out the years. My boyfriend says the same thing she's very stupid and doesn't understand basic concepts or normal ways of thinking. He thinks her randomly popping up at his house 2 or 3 times a week for 15 or 20 min is no big deal i see it as a huge deal. He brought it up to his mom that this girl needs to be limited on her access to their house, her reply "i'm 61 you arent going to tell me who can and can't come in my house tell c____  to go control someone else" a reaction much like he would have which raises more questions about his mom possibly being BPD as well. She also doesn't know the extent of what happened between my boyfriend and the other girl. I know if i tell him it's me or her he will go in one of his moods and nothing will be accomplished. This girl is nothing compared to me in any aspect looks, brains, personality, success, or family. I also fear that he feels he deserves someone like her and that's why he keeps her around he has told me many times that he feels he doesnt deserve me because of where he is in life.

I know for a fact that i am the only person in his life willing to do what i have to in order to help him through this and support him while he finds the right treatment for his BPD but i also feel i'm getting the short end of the stick. With our schedules and his disgusting selfish family that guilt trips him and manipulates him into doing things i get to see him 2 days a week 3 if i'm lucky. I feel like we make progress then he goes home and it's all erased. I have nicely asked him to adjust her friendship with him and not see her unless it's in a public place and keep communication to a minimum and some days he agrees then he gets in a mood and he tells me he will do what he wants. I try not to push but it's hard.