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Title: The dog/kids love you more than me. Pity party for one. Post by: Wutnow32 on June 24, 2017, 11:28:17 AM What do you do when your SO has a pity party for one? Nothing has ever gone his/her way, no one ever acknowledges her, everyone is out to get her including the universe. In my head I'm screaming at the top of my lungs 'sanctuary!' But outward I have to be supportive and careful not to invalidate her feelings. So I listen. But I really don't have anything validating to say, so then I get busted for not saying anything. It's a total no win situation. Anyone have suggestions on what to do to diffuse this type of scenario? Would be very helpful.
Also included in this is 'the dog loves you more than me' and she considers the dog to be her "whole life" (exaggerate much?). So in essence, I'm taking away her whole life, the only thing that gives her solace and unconditional love. Really? I'm out of thoughts on how to skillfully handle this. Please help! Title: Re: The dog/kids love you more than me. Pity party for one. Post by: JoeBPD81 on June 30, 2017, 06:49:41 AM You don't have to agree with her to say "I know you feel that way, and it s**ks". I know the feeling, hang in there!
Title: Re: The dog/kids love you more than me. Pity party for one. Post by: isilme on June 30, 2017, 11:03:06 AM This of validation more as an active listening exercise. Make it know she is heard, and that you think it would suck to feel that way, too. Validation is not agreement. It's far easier when you agree with the comments being made, but the important thing is that you are not telling them their feelings are "wrong" or incorrect. They can feel how they choose. They can act on those feelings how they choose as long as it does not pass any of your boundaries for your protection.
Repeat back to her what was said. "I understand you are feeling unhappy... ." I'd bring the dog in and give it treats or soemthing, I dunno - I do this with out cats. Sometimes just having them around can help break the mood. Sometimes, he just needs to eat (look for any kind of pattern in this behavoir - meals times, illnesses, that time of the month). If you can find a pattern, you may not be able to head it off, but you can make sure to see if you can be busy during that time perid. Sometimes, being busy seems to make the pwBPD learn a little coping ability for their own emotions if we remove ourselves from avaiability for being an emotional drain. When H ahs a pity party for one, I tell him I am sorry he feels how he feels. I may try to distract him from it, but if he is bound and determined to be upset, I kinda just leave him to his own devices and go occupy myself until he's re-set to a new mood. |