BPDFamily.com

up and down weekend with SOwBPD

She is very protective of her time and given her extremely busy schedule, we cleared our entire day on Sunday to relax. It was very calm until I offered to make dinner-
We have a small apartment, so as I was getting things prepared in the kitchen, I was unconsciously nervous because she has made dinners throughout the week and I wanted to "do a good job" of taking care of her. She started getting very frustrated because I was making too much noise in the kitchen. When I told her what I was making, she proceeded to lecture me about how I'm doing it wrong and that I don't have to make a big production out of it and that it's so simple a 5 year old could do it. I gave up and just put a frozen dinner in the oven.
throughout the whole thing I'm apologizing because I was being too chaotic around her and she just wanted calm. We got over that and she enjoyed dinner.
Just 30 mins ago we had a miscommunication about something else and she said I made her frustrated because I didn't listen and now she has to end her weekend like this. I apologized again and tried to validate and now we are over that hump.

I just feel like "I'm sorry" continued to frustrate her and it prolongs her anger- maybe because she doesn't believe me and that I'm just saying that because I want the conflict to go away. that is probably true.
I would welcome any advice on what else to say.

"Sorry" does not help in a BPD situation.  H tells me when he is mad "Well, you shouldn't have done it in the first place so sorry means nothing."  He has literally asked me to go back in time and stop from doing certain things. 

She was probably upset the weekend was ending and taking that upset out on you, trying to make you feel responsible for her bad feelings.  You are not.  H gets anxious every single Sunday.  He does not like leaving home to go to work (or work to go home).  He gets comfortable and then feels upset when his comfort is challenged.  You may start trying to note when she gets more agitated, and see if you can spot a pattern - this will help you in the long run in avoiding the worst of everything.

Also, in my case, H hs newly been diagnosed as diabetic, but lots of people get "hangry" - angry because they are hungry and need to eat.  I had noticed over the past 2 years he gets exceptionally upset right before meal times, especially if he is already in a mood and other things are on his mind.

I can get pretty nervous about H being in the kitchen, he loves to claim I can't cook, I undercook everything, I am too tied to recipes and times and ignore the doneness of the food (he loves everything one step away from burnt - I like things a little less over done).  I would like it if we could share time in the kitchen, but he often stands in my way, gets mad if I need to keep an eye one something on the stove, or if I choose the clean as I go (I like to leave the kitchen cleaner than when I started, if there are still dishes in the sink).  He wants all attention on him, and can't split his focus easily between cooking food and talking, and so feels abandoned if I am not standing there looking at him instead of moving about to finish a task. 

When they are on "high alert" due to dysregulating feelings, sounds and smells seem to be amplified for them, and so they are already irritable and become even more so at the excess stimuli.  The only thing you can do is pick a quick meal (order out, plan the frozen dinner for that night, or something rather quiet/less time and tool intensive, like a tuna salad). 

Apologizing just reminds them to be mad.  I just get quiet and say nothing, I guess giving my own silent treatment, but it's not intended to punish - it's a "you're in a terrible mood, why would I want to talk to you anyway?  I will talk when you are not cranky" feeling for me.  And if I let him stew on his own, it passes most of the time.

I realized I would say sorry so I could take the blame.  If she let me have the blame then I tried to take control by apologizing. I did this (after reflecting back on it), to try to control her anger and get her happy again. 

The more I took the blame, the worse I felt about myself as I knew I was not really being genuine... .just trying to get out of an uncomfortable sitaution. 

Hey - you and I are married to the same person.

In my case I tend to do the cooking - and yes noises from the kitchen bother her too - dont know why - making dinner in the kitchen is a noisy affair whoever does it. "don't make a big deal out frying some eggs!" yep - me too. Not every time - but if she's struggling to find something to occupy her time - the longer dinner takes, the rattier she becomes. And if the kitchen is not spotless after dinner made "look at the mess you've made" or "blocked the sink again have you!"

I agree - saying sorry is not productive. Best tighten your lips and do the job through the storm - unless you want to enforce a boundary.

We have a saying around here: ":)on't validate the invalid." By saying sorry when you clearly did nothing wrong, you are further letting your pwBPD believe that you actually did do something wrong. It's important to validate what they are experiencing and perceiving but that doesn't mean you have to take the blame for it.

For instance, when she says you're making too much noise in the kitchen, validate that she may be feeling overwhelmed by the noise, not that the making noise was wrong.

When my H begins to criticize the way I'm "doing something" I will ask him to show me how he would like it done. He will begin to show me and I watch for a little bit then find another part of the meal to complete. By that time he is so into doing it his way that he no longer cares that I wasn't doing it the way he wanted. I've even done this so well that he finished cooking everything. Haha Once he finishes the task I tell him I enjoyed cooking with him and thank him for helping me.

JADEing does not help in arguments with a person with BPD. JADE stands for justifying, apologizing, defending, or explaining. When we do these things we add to the argument instead of relieving it. Here is a link to one of our workshops on the topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0