BPDFamily.com

After years of being thrown out of the house and my wife ragging and being physical with me, I've just learned by researching she has BPD. She is highly functional but thinks that everyone else has a problem that causes her pain. She won't talk to anyone in her family any longer. Kids are grown and now adults with their own opinions and not controllable any longer. She rages at them for not 'caring' about her which keeps the only validating members from her, the grandkids. She tries to get her kids to react to her own family members to work through them for revenge and/or validation.

I need advice how to react and what things not to say. I've gotten pretty good at not getting angry and reacting but I'm terrible at ending a discussion without her blaming me for not caring. She brings up the past of 30+ years and replays events over and over making them worse than they were. Of course this has her believing I screwed up her life. She is seeing a therapist but I feel it is for Empathy/Sympathy and not changing herself. She is on her 6th therapists. As soon as they get close they try to help her and she leaves, feeling they are idiots and don't care about her.

I've tried to leave the relationship at least 3 times and I keep coming back. When its good its good, when its bad its bad and it now lasts longer than it ever did prior. She controls me from my house throwing me out... .holidays usually trigger her.

Help!

You can end the discussion by walking away from it if you must.  There is no way to perfectly validate or use and tools to make the pwBPD never react badly, and never blame you for their mess up emotions. 

All we can do is try to remove ourselves from the conversation, end the conversation, remember another task and leave, and find a way that works for you to refuse to engage.  I try very hard to ahve a reason to leave the ouse for a few hours that does not look like I am having my own tantrum - I need to go to the store before they close.  I need to go out back and mow.  I need to fold my clothes.  Whatever. 

Since she is used to throwing you out, how would she react if you just leave?  Just grab some items (or have a bag packed just in case, waiting for the next fight).  And say, I am going to "leave and will come back when you have calmed down."  Taking the power to kick you out away from her might shock her a bit.  Go on phone silence for a while.  It sounds like you try to talk to the end, and let her get all her digs in - that's not good for you.  I know leaving is not always possible - I get stuck by my house shape and by the time of day and have to weather the storm, but if you can leave for a few hours, try it.