BPDFamily.com

 I'm actually kinda nervous posting this I never been in a support group before... It has been 2 and a half years since we officially were together. I wish I would've thought to do this back when everything felt like it was crumbling around me and I didn't know what was happening. I really loved my other half. I wanted to be superman for him. I thought I could anyway... cause whenever he was around me I never saw him not laugh and smile. I never knew what was going on under the surface. I recognized something wasn't right... .but I couldn't define it. So I labeled it normal and decided to brush it under the rug every time. But when I first met him I wasn't "Totally" attracted to him. We were both young and I was a bit superficial, both of us are African American males and when he would meet me I would first notice his 'black colored' eyebrows that were dramatically enlarged... .In my mind I thought he looked like a clown. But as the months went by we started doing exhibitionist things. 'Fun in the late night at the park', 'In the car', 'Behind a school' and I was shocked to finally meet someone who I felt, "reflected certain traits I felt that I was". There was an emergency situation that I asked him if I could live with him and his family and surprisingly his mother allowed me to and I barely knew him and knew nothing of his background. However, living there, I learned that his life wasn't simple. Far from it. His parents was fresh from a serious separation led by different religious views. His father (at the time I didn't know) could be a narcissist although not clinically diagnosed. After my ex explained to me that his father was very verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive to him. There was a little bit of understanding that my ex went through a lot of emotional hardships because his father had experienced hardships and in the African American culture it is so challenging for us to discuss mental illness without us mentioning things like 'just pray over it'. (Personal experience with this to mention it) So there were some sexual scares a few times. And I knew that he was the only one I was involved with but I didn't have a strong trust with him because of his need to be 'secretive' and not 'private' between us. I have a very warm and kind hearted energy about myself so I thought that simply bringing up my concern would be okay without a falling out. However, he blew up at me, saying that I don't trust him, he was so mad, things like that. And I kept trying to give him confidence that we should simply get checked out together just be sure. We got checked everything was good, but he didn't feel the same about me after that. I was clueless... .  but I have to move forward  ... .After that episode, things sort of calmed back down but by now I finally started to recognize that the devaluation stage of our relationship ws coming to a light. It never dawned on me that when he was talking about other people for no reason, he was talking about me as well to those same people. When I first met him he talked so poorly about his mother. I should've recognized it right there. His mother is a sweetheart, but because I didn't know her at the time I simply believed everything he told me without really a second thought... .I always felt like the relationship was kinda parental. Like he would do things, and I would ask him was that right to do? (E.g smoking in the house at night knowing his mother had all these respiratory issues when she sleeps) And he felt like I was acting like his mother... .I've digressed completely,  so basically ... moving forward he showed me love when he wanted too and I felt like I was pulling straws trying to ask him for it. However, as I the years of make ups and break ups went by I started noticing that I wasn't the only one of his past lives that went through it. I was just the closest to him because I lived with him. He acted like he hated the reality of it, but I was prob his only 'true' friend. He never experienced it before. I wish I would've known what I know now... .But he is still recycling his same patterns of behavior such as lying, manipulating, and stuff ... .But he cried to me before ... .he told me he doesn't know what his issue is, but he knows something is wrong. Constantly he feels alone. I really wish I had known what I know now... .I'm still in contact with his family, they love me to death, however, I haven't spoken with him last year, primarily out of fear... .I gave him responsibility (apartment) tried to move in together and he backed out the day after I signed the lease ... .I loved him but emotionally Im fearful of which direction he may take me if I allow him. Hopefully, we are close enough that in the future we'll cross ties again and I can take a different approach to his needs. Until then I continue to move forward... .(by the way when I say relationship I mean situationship) (a relationship without the title of boyfriend/girlfriend for fear of commitment) he could never commit with me ... but hi Im hear for knowledge and healing... our next meet I want to  be prepared... .

*welcome*

I probably cannot convey how much I relate to the feelings that you expressed. I too worry about future contact from the x that brought me to these boards. I am very glad that you've decided to educate yourself and learn better ways to handle things should things change for you down the road.

There is a lot of great information on these boards that will help you do just that. I think that it is pretty safe to say that none of us knew enough when we got involved with someone who expresses BPD traits. The articles, lessons, and workshops here have given me a much better understanding of how things work and how to have healthier relationships in the future. I am sure that they can do the same for you.

Please read the threads of others here, there are a lot of pearls of wisdom to be found throughout. Let us know how we can best support you, and keep us posted.

I look forward to reading more about your situation.