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Title: BPD runs in family Post by: pbnjsandwich on June 29, 2017, 02:35:43 AM I decided to join BPD family. I wish they would of had something like this years ago. It took me 50 years to gather tidbits of information as to why my father was the way he was so that I could get the help I needed and to find a new normal for myself. If I were to sum up the years I had experienced, it would be best described as confusing. I thought my childhood and the experiences I had in my family life were abnormal. Then, about 5 years ago, a friend of mine who had listened to my story mentioned that my father might have BPD. I had never heard of it. I began researching the behavior and realized that the stories people had were VERY similar to mine. I was actually relieved! It was the first time that I actually felt validated for what I had experienced. I never hated my Dad, never. I knew something about my Dad was off. He did admit to me, only after giving him an ultimatum that he was abused as a child. I didn't need to hear him say that to know that he was abused, but there was something else going on that I couldn't put my finger on. His emotional maturity was that of a child. He didn't seem to understand the pain he could cause and often use to say, "Are you mad at me?" instead of owning his behavior and apologizing for it. Over the years, especially after my mother passed away, I had to choose, for myself the kind of life I wanted for me and my own family. I chose me. I had to. I couldn't keep living as a target. It wasn't fair to me or my father. I could always be there for Dad, but truth be told, his fear was greater than my love for him. Dad needed professional help. I would of loved to be that person for him, but you do realize that love doesn't everything. If I could go back in time with what I know now, I would of told Dad that I would continue the relationship only if he sought professional help. I'm pretty sure he would of told me that I needed the help, not him, but it would of been worth that try. Anyway... .Just wanted to introduce myself and hope to learn more. I'm not sure if BPD runs in the family. I certainly see similar traits within certain family members that really stand out. Thank you. Mary Title: Re: BPD runs in family Post by: Peacefromwithin on June 29, 2017, 05:17:55 PM I decided to join BPD family. I wish they would of had something like this years ago. It took me 50 years to gather tidbits of information as to why my father was the way he was so that I could get the help I needed and to find a new normal for myself. If I were to sum up the years I had experienced, it would be best described as confusing. I thought my childhood and the experiences I had in my family life were abnormal. Hi Mary, Welcome to bpdfamily! I'm fairly new myself so I'm hoping others will chime in too. I think many of us who had parents with BPD or other personality disorders would definitely describe our childhoods as "confusing", if not use stronger words... . Excerpt Then, about 5 years ago, a friend of mine who had listened to my story mentioned that my father might have BPD. I had never heard of it. I began researching the behavior and realized that the stories people had were VERY similar to mine. I was actually relieved! It was the first time that I actually felt validated for what I had experienced. I never hated my Dad, never. I knew something about my Dad was off. He did admit to me, only after giving him an ultimatum that he was abused as a child. I didn't need to hear him say that to know that he was abused, but there was something else going on that I couldn't put my finger on. His emotional maturity was that of a child. He didn't seem to understand the pain he could cause and often use to say, "Are you mad at me?" instead of owning his behavior and apologizing for it. That is interesting your friend thinks your dad may have had BPD. If you look on the right side of this scren, you will see a column with a menu. The first choice is "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?" Maybe that can help you understand the disorder and see if it possibly fits your dad's behavior. It seems that many pwBPD were abused. The cycle just seems to continue unless people get help. That's interesting you mentioned emotional maturity and your dad saying "Are you mad at me?" like a child would. My parents both have the emotional maturity of 4 year olds, sad to say. Due to the nature of the BPD condition, owning up to pain caused and apologizing is just not something they do. They project and blame everyone else. Excerpt Over the years, especially after my mother passed away, I had to choose, for myself the kind of life I wanted for me and my own family. I chose me. Many of us had to make that decision as well. There are people who choose to go "no contact", "very low contact", or "low contact". Only you can make that decision and I respect those who are able to, versus staying in contact just because of guilt or societal pressures. Excerpt I had to. I couldn't keep living as a target. It wasn't fair to me or my father. I could always be there for Dad, but truth be told, his fear was greater than my love for him. Dad needed professional help. I would of loved to be that person for him, but you do realize that love doesn't everything. If I could go back in time with what I know now, I would of told Dad that I would continue the relationship only if he sought professional help. I'm pretty sure he would of told me that I needed the help, not him, but it would of been worth that try. It won't do you any good if you look onto the past with morbid reflection. Look back on the past, but don't stare. It's not common for people with BPD to get professional help. Even if your dad did, you have no idea how he would've handled it or treated you during or after it. Most people with BPD blame others and make us out to be the crazy ones needing help instead of themselves. I think they do that because it's too painful for them to admit to themselves that they're the ones who need help. Excerpt Anyway... .Just wanted to introduce myself and hope to learn more. There is a lot to learn on this website, since it doesn't just focus on the message boards. To the right --> you will see "Lessons" and a "Survivors Guide". I suggest you look through those. Also there are other great links on this website about "Boundaries" and helpful tools. Title: Re: BPD runs in family Post by: Woolspinner2000 on July 09, 2017, 03:37:31 PM Welcome Pbnjsandwich!
So glad you have chimed in to introduce yourself and to share some of your story. For so many of us, we have suspected that something was wrong with our pwBPD, but we didn't know what it was. I'm glad that you have been looking into BPD and what it is in order to help your understanding. What has stood out to you so far that has helped to validate that you are correct in your observations? I know that I was so very relieved to finally discover that there was indeed a name to help describe my uBPDm. Excerpt He didn't seem to understand the pain he could cause and often use to say, "Are you mad at me?" instead of owning his behavior and apologizing for it. Over the years, especially after my mother passed away, I had to choose, for myself the kind of life I wanted for me and my own family. I chose me. It is very common for a pwBPD to project their feelings, whatever they may be, upon someone else, and that may well have been what your dad was doing. Here is a link about projection and BPD: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0[b) It is a very healthy choice you illustrate, by putting yourself first. I don't know how it was for you, but I was frequently told how selfish I was, so to put myself first would have brought a whole lot of reprimands upon me. I am very glad that you chose yourself! Their focus is nearly entirely upon getting their own needs met, so it is a lot of work and boundary setting for you to work on growing and healing yourself. I'm glad you did. |iiii Is your father still living? Normally BPD is not inherited, but as adult children of a pwBPD, so many members often feel as if they have BPD too. We tended to absorb the projection from our pwBPD, and we learned the behavior, thus the tendency to show similar symptoms. The difference is that with help and T, we can make better choices and change for the better. Those with BPD tend to not change, but remain fixed where they are. Here is one of my favorite books that has been so helpful to me: Surviving a Borderline Parent (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68021.0[b) The book review also has a link where you can find a copy to purchase. It has been like a 'bible' of sorts to me, aiding my journey to recovery and all the discoveries made along the way. You'll find a lot of helpful articles and members here who will share from their experience and help you as you journey. Keep posting! Wools |