BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

My BPD ex broke up with me after a 5 day whirlwind recycle (our 4th one). I want to write her saying "I miss you all so much-- this is so rough." This isn't such a good idea, though, right? The wisdom on this board seems to be wait until she reaches out to me (if she does?) Me reaching out to her will probably drive her further away, no?

Here are our last texts (about a week ago)-- reading them over I can tell I'm somewhere between self-protective and trying to be graceful. But really I am heartbroken.


Her:
   KC I do love you and am so grateful for everything we had. The timing is still not right for us but I am so so glad we are friends.

Me:
   yes, me too you-- I figured as much when I didn’t hear from you. Thanks for writing it so nicely.
   Did you get your bike and stuff out the garage? Don’t leave it in there-- remember what happened to mine!

Her:
   Ok. I'll get it.
   Are you mad at all?
   About how things turned out this time? Or hurt or... .
   I know you take care of yourself but I just wanted to ask

Me:
   no, I think it is the right thing for both of us
   And some of the great things about us I think can translate well into a friendship

Then I didn't here from her for few days, but got in touch with her about a shirt I needed back and she wrote:

Her:
   How are you?
   Sorry I went MIA during our text conversation the other day.
   I was thinking this morning how having you here in this town just felt good. Even if we weren't seeing each other. Just because you're so reliably kind and loving.

Me:
   Awww, what a nice thing to say/think/feel
   Thank you for that


That exchange was about a week ago now.

KC--first, I can't imagine anything good coming from sending that particular message you are thinking about. She's not in that place right now, and you are in pain and don't need that reiterated.

I notice reading your texts that you are letting her off the hook completely for this turn of events. Why? So she will come back again sometime, and hopefully not make you pay for conveying your actual feelings? I read fear on your part--fear of saying something she won't like.

Even she knows it would make sense for you to be annoyed/disappointed/hurt. She's puzzled that you aren't. I understand the attraction of not playing along with the monkey trap where she asks if you are hurt, you say you are, and she proceeds to hurt you some more in the name of answering your actual or implied criticism.

Still, "thank you for explaining so nicely that you are screwing me over" is you participating in your own minimization. Does that make sense? No one made this person come back into your life with talk of true love. Suddenly concluding "it's not our time" isn't really nice, and it isn't cool. She even knows this.

I deeply get this. I spent a bunch of time perfecting how not to make my ex wBPD feel bad about whatever he felt like doing. So long as I kept to those rules he kept me in his life. I got some kibble (interestingly, he often launched the kibble with "I was thinking this morning about how great you are ... .". When I held him at all accountable for the consequences to me of his choices and behavior, there was a nuclear winter response.

So I get why you're acting like this. But you're sort of being held hostage by how much you want her.

I'd urge you to hold off on communication while reflecting for a bit about what is going on here. She's behaving very poorly (toward several people). You've let her off the hook completely. Of course she has got to be loving that--of course she loves that you are in town and always completely accepting. Who wouldn't? But is that the role you really want?

Ugh, I know patientandclear... .reading it over makes me cringe. I guess my thought was there was no use making a big deal of it because it won't change anything so just be as gracious as I can be. But I guess it was emotionally dishonest at the same time (though I was thankful that she said something instead of  ghosting me and also glad that her last thought of me was loving instead of being painted black.) I do see though that, after so many breakups, I have lost so much of the potential of being my whole self in the relationship. It didn't start out that way. Ugh, I think that is the breakup fills me with sadness and my own behavior (e.g. My responses below) makes me cringe. I'm in kind of a rough spot.

Please don't cringe. It's coming out of a subtle training dynamic where you get rewarded for not holding her accountable. I seriously spent 15 months assuring my ex that every destructive wasteful act he chose was just great with me. Because that was the currency he seemed to value, and I was trying to show I accepted him. Well, I was trying to actually accept him.

There is a ton of pain to be experienced in what you just went through.  The impulse to write her is the impulse to gain control by doing something about it. That makes sense. It just won't work.

You are being misused by someone you love deeply. There aren't many harder passages in life. You need some time and space and serious dialogue with yourself about what to make of this recent episode--both what occurred with you, and apparently with the other women in the story. This is proving to be very different than the portrait she painted of things a few weeks back. It is going to take you some time to process the implications of that.

Believe me, I am familiar with this place. It's a very difficult assignment.

Someone wrote a line quoted in the Betrayal Bond that "mental health is the choice of reality over comfort." Identifying the addictive features of our longing for someone who pulls a bait and switch like you just endured is part of embracing reality.

You can choose to be in a relationship of sorts with someone who does that to you; but you shouldn't do it with the same hope for an exclusive and sturdy union that it seems you two were discussing a few weeks back. The hope for that sort of thing with her (even if that is the way she describes it) is going to get your heart broken over and over.
  

Wow. That conversation. In the past, I have done what you did there. A sort of bite my tongue and just give 100% positive to keep the dialogue going, not rock the boat, and avoid the pain of him disappearing again.

I think you did a great thing with the way you responded... Who cares if it honestly depicts your feelings? She doesn't get to have full access to your feelings right now. She broke up with you. She is not on the inner circle anymore- by her own choice. She can't have it both ways.

Your words were kind but didn't give her what she was fishing for. It sent her squirming! Read it again! Look at her trying to get you to tell her how upset and heartbroken you are. You have sent her off kilter. She is confused. Why is kc sunshine not begging for me to come back? Why is kc sunshine not pledging undying love? Aren't you a little upset by the way things went down? Why am I not able to hurt you?

I say do more of it, if you can tolerate it. I think the MIA was because she got upset that you were saying you were okay with friendship and her decision to end it.

My view is you can play it all nicey nice with back and forth friendly texts, but if she wants you to give her something, she will have to try a little harder/ make the first move/ give something of value to you. She is the one who ended it. You are allowed to feel offended by this. It is completely offensive to give your heart to someone, be there for them, and forgive them for multiple breakups only to be tossed aside again and then toyed with as she seems to be doing now.

She wants you to feed her ego with your pain. I think you did a great job. You are keeping the door open, but she might actually have to walk through it with some serious gesture to get you to open up your heart or share your most intimate thoughts with her again. She should feel the difference in your interactions between when you are in a committed relationship with her, and when she has dumped you. You may be "reliably kind and loving," but maybe when dumped you become a little more like "cordial and polite." More distant.

I played that game for five years, and more than a dozen breakups (all initiated by him), and then I got up the courage to ask the difficult questions. I was sick of his breakup, then silence and me starting to heal, only to have him pop up to say, "Just wanted to say hi... .hope you are doing better... .how are you... .I really hope you are okay... .thank you for opening my heart... wow the sex we had was great... blah, blah, blah," sending me back to square one. When I found out he really was not prepared to commit, I told him to never contact me by any means unless he sincerely wants to try a relationship with me again. Not to check up on me. Not to reminisce. Certainly not to thank me for the relationship. And then radio silence. So in my case, he was just keeping me around for an ego boost, some sex on the side, a back up plan, someone to text when he was lonely and probably someone to fill the gap between our old r/s and the next one in line.

Yes, if you send that note she will take the fuel and go. If you want her to keep knocking, do what you are doing. Only respond when she writes. And keep it short and a little cool. If you find it holds you back or disrupts your life, then you may decide to close the door for good.

I should clarify that I agree with Zemmma that your ex was fishing for evidence that you care and are hurt because in some fashion that would scratch an itch she has, and that it was fine not to fulfill her wishes by telling her how hurt you are.

When I said you let her off the hook, I meant more in your own mind. Reflected in the impulse to reach out to her now and tell her you miss her, and in posts which minimized the mistreatment she is inflicting on you (and the others). And, I guess, reacting to the tone of "thank you for how nicely you worded it." And your other post that worried that you "blew it" and somehow caused this.

I'm worried you are not seeing how destructively she is behaving. I am NOT suggesting you need to explain all that to her--I agree with Zemmma on that point, as well as on why she was probing for you to tell her you were upset.

So sorry this is so painful.

I could not agree more with Zemmma and Patientandclear -- My uBPDx did this exact same thing. Every single "good" interaction we had before the last time I saw her and now being NC involved her fishing in some way... .

- "Have you been doing anything? Going out? Being with friends? Or just sitting at home kind of sulking?"   odd thing to ask wouldnt you say?

- "Have you started to feel better about things? I dont want you hurting anymore. You know I will always love you."  oh? is that so? Then... .what is it we're doing here?

There was always this look on her face as she observed me waiting for my response... .like a hungry tiger waiting to eat my pain. I didnt feed her the responses I knew she was hoping for so she went overdrive and pulled me right into a recycle that I wasnt even aware I was in until it was too late.  Didnt get her meal from simply asking so instead she cooked one up.

One particular conversation during that last recycle (she had sucked me in good), I made a comment about how I needed to buy myself one of those body pillows to cuddle with at night... .her response:

- "  I used to be your snuggle pillow"  ... .yes, you used to be. things being this way arent because I like them this way (my response. I now see it was the exact response she wanted considering the next day she painted me back to black)

Her response to me in that conversation is so oddly similar to the text between you and your ex... .

- "I dont either. As much as I love the f***ing sh*t out of you its just not the right time. It wouldnt be good right now.  I wouldnt say never, I suppose anything is possible"   -- See what she did there? One last attempt to ensure I stay on her fishing hook.  It almost worked.  She left me in the dust that day. Hasnt looked back (yet I'm assuming) since.

Seems like we've all been in situations where conversations with our exes were more about scratching their itch (as patientandclear eloquently put) than genuine concern over us and how we were feeling.   I didnt scratch her itch the first few times but I certainly blindly scratched it the last time... .she ghosted HARD.

Your feelings whether good or bad are yours.  I dont think you owe them to her. Have you ever tried speaking what you say you want to message her with "into the universe" ... .just say it out loud. Release it.  I find thats been a real help for me in NOT reaching out during moments I so desperately want to.

These responses are so incredibly helpful-- wow. I find that I struggle not so much with minimizing stuff, but perhaps more with inflating my sense of how much I can take and what the cost of it is to me. When I'm there with her I get the "flight" response but after I'm away from the situation I think it through thinking I could/can take it. Did you all struggle with this too? What were the particular events/aha moments that helped you move away from this? Or was it time and distance and NC?

I'm 3 months into the breakup, know that my ex is seeing someone else. She is currently away with her but tells me its not exclusive and that shes not ready for a serious relationship. Its like in the 4 years with her i got so used to the lies that i forced myself to believe them, and I still am not in some crazy hope that she will see what she had in me and come back. Alot of the time I don't even want her back, but like you kc sunshine I too, many times have said come on give me all you got I can take another round of this. Like the pain is worth those moments of love. I think this may say more about us then them. Surly normal people don't think that love = pain.
So my question to anyone who's managed how do you break the cycle, I am still talking to her which I know i shouldn't but its like i cant stop, its like i crave the pain or maybe I am still in love with her. I've been going to therapy but I still cant let go of her, even though she has broke my heart time and time again and all my friends call me insane.

Wow, this thread is super helpful! And kc exactly what I am going through right now. I have had really similar email conversations as you with my ex and i have reacted the same way. I often question my responses, wonder if I am being a bit of a doormat but overall I feel like when I am angry I just add to the drama and it causes me more turmoil so this way I feel like I am protecting myself, but also holding my head high.  It is interesting though I agree with patientandclear and Zemmma that actually this must be quite confusing for her by my rather short, calm responses which basically have no emotion but are about matters which I obviously will have feelings about. I feel more in control even though I didn't do it to play any games, it just felt the right thing to do, for my protection. I hope that makes sense, but it seems you are in the same kind of thinking.

I think though you are right - you don't need to send your other text saying you miss her, I know why you want to though. Right now, I don't think it will achieve anything and it might give you a bit of short term relief but not long term. You can hold onto though that that might change in the future. My T has been amazing, and keeps telling me I can always write more  in the future when your emotions are more regular, there is nothing to stop you contacting her at a later point, hopefully this can help you through the craving right now.

I am in a business with my ex which I am slowly moving away from, and I also feel the same as you, am I scared to lose all contact, is the addiction of her emailing actually what is keeping me involved? I don't know to be honest. I have the same questions as you and relate to the 'flight' when I first get triggered by things. But I do feel that it is gradually becoming less of that which I guess is a good sign. I wish I had some other brilliant suggestions, but I feel we are in a really similar zone, and I wanted to say that and to say thank you, this thread is really helping me too!

I understand this all too well! When it was still necessary for me to physically see her for whatever reason (picking up belongings and what not) there was always this intense anxiety that I couldnt figure out if it was due to how deeply in love with her I am and how much I miss her... .or because I was terrified of what was to come. The "flight" definitely would take over my thoughts and feelings without a doubt.

Then... .when we're apart I have this intense urge to fight. Stick it out. "Help" her get better. Which obviously we all know that wont work unless they themselves want to try and get better. More often than not I find myself thinking "If we could just have a chance to really FIGHT we could make this work the right way!" -- To be honest... .I still struggle with this but going on (officially) 9 days NC has helped.  I dont think about her as often as I did before going NC (some days are definitely harder than others, cant deny it) and I'm able to push forward.  I guess I've adapted a "what will be, will be." mentality about it all.

I do still love her with all of my heart. I do find myself wishing it could work. Wanting it to work. Almost trying to will it to work. Right now I feel like that may never stop which is both daunting and poetic I suppose. I'll have to mentally digest what that means to me at some point. But... .like I said in my previous post on this thread... .


(weird to be quoting myself, ) I dont want to be her "meal" anymore. I dont want my pain/hurt to be her source of fuel. Her thrill. If we did get back together I would want it to be because she GENUINELY wants to seek help, get better, and make it work as "normal" as possible. I'd want her current hunger for my pain to be replaced by hunger for my love. 

Unfortunately, that's more unlikely than the weatherman finally getting it right  . So, in moments where my resolve to stay away is weakened... .I remind myself of the "hungry tiger look" and then focus on one foot in front of the other until the urge passes.  It's been working so far... .9 days NC and counting. Really looking to keep tallying it up.

 One thought that struck me today about our many breakups/recycles is that if I could just detach from them (e.g. not blame myself or be upset with her about them), it all wouldn't be as painful. For example, if I was just able to say "this is about the illness." Had anyone been able to do that more successfully?