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I started 2017 with a New Years resolution of "Availability".  Wasn't sure what it meant when it came to me but in some ways it felt natural.  At the time, I had been dating a woman I really enjoy being with but was unable to commit to her.  I sensed that was because I needed some more time to flush out my recent past divorce and of course the residuals that come from trying to figure out how to place it in historical context.  In addition, I had some life goals that were entwined in the marriage that did not come to pass, namely, having a family.  Since my GF she did not want a family and I felt the continued momentum of what I had been working from my marriage I was at a place of uncertainty around making a commitment.

In March and April, I spent a number of weekends cleaning out marital memories.  It hurt like hell.  During that time I also got current with joeramabeme having aged another 15 years and that some of my marital goals had to be updated.  The result was that some time in May I realized that I had become more available and not necessarily with all the original goals that my first marriage had.  But, since that time she started dating someone regularly and now she is unavailable. 

This weekend was rough.  For the first time in a long time, I felt alone.  Not so much because of my divorce to me exuBPDw, just wholesome loneliness.  While pondering WTH I was going to do, I realized that this was another step in becoming available.  Over the last 2 years these lonely feelings were always accompanied with wanting to re-engage with my old thinking patterns about why she left and how I could have been different etc.  Yet each time that tape started this weekend, I was able to reasonably address it and re-focus on wanting someone to be in my life and being available to them.

I really like this woman that I had been dating, and so all this left me questioning what may be a pattern of my decision-making; when a left-turn is available, I want to go right and vice-versa.  That pattern seems to have taken me off course from a good relationship.

Well, I guess there is a tinge of sadness to this post.  Being available is hard!  In retrospect it is easier, in some ways, to lament the past and fantasize about what could be than to be in the moment with what is and acknowledge that the chin of events feels really really hard and at times, unfair.  And the irony of being available, feels like an acknowledgment that my life is not full the way I would like it to be.

All of this spurred me to call a friend that I had been on the outs with and make good on my friendship.  Perhaps being available is just simply acknowledging that I want to have a fullness of life for which I can play a role in creating.

I still hope to get together with my ex-GF, but now that she is unavailable, I guess I have to then become available to something else. 

Hi JRB,


That is a very inspiring statement. I really love what you are saying there. I've read it a few times and it really resonates, so thank you for sharing that.  :) It's touching that this goal of availability spurred you to reconnect with a friend. I can't think of a better result—wow!


You sound very accepting here, which I think is such a great stance to take. There's an openness to what life has to offer—an open hand instead of a gripping one. I believe that that kind of energy brings very interesting experiences.

How have you gotten to this place, joeramabeme? I feel optimism when I read your post, even amidst the feelings of aloneness and loss. 

heartandwhole

Thanks Heart

I am gripped with terror at the moment.  Un attached to anything more than moving.  It makes no sense at all and yet has pervaded my daily life with a vengance.  I know it is PTSD and I have no idea how to get to the source memories and am so overwhelmed that I literally asked a friend to come into my life and walk me through making a move decision.

Being available is, in a way, being free.  So I am not available for the moment and just living to keep my anxiety at bay. 

This is all very humiliating. Having self-compassion and love feels like the furthest thing from my mind and yet what I likely most need.  I will try.

Geez, I really know what you mean. How many times have I fretted and driven myself around the bend when I could have used that energy to be present with myself. It's human nature, I think.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so afraid and anxious.   I can imagine how paralyzing it feels. Yes, I've been there. Where every decision seems like life or death; therefore, no decision is better than bungling it. I'm so glad you've reached out for help from your friend. I think that's a great move. A clear, objective head will help. Someone who is not emotionally involved or attached to your home.

Moving is a big stressor, JRB. Please do try to make time to be with yourself as you would a friend. Comfort and treat yourself gently and kindly. You are not alone. So many of us have felt the same way. Step by step, you will get through this.

Have you thought of reaching out to your therapist, too?

heartandwhole

Thanks Heart

Yes, I have recently re-entered therapy.  The uptake is slow going but hopefully it pays off.

Thanks