BPDFamily.com

As the title pretty much says "Explain uBPD Clingy- & Hater-phase".
  With all the insight I've gathered over the past few weeks. Discovering the whys and ohs of how my r/s with uBPD(ex?) got to be, and most of all my own part in this emotional mess. Reading all the comforting success stories, I believe I can make it work, still. She is a high-functioning uBPD, and certainly can be reasoned with, if it's done the right (non blaming) way.

  However my pwBPD currently is in some sort of state of (hopefully) not hating, but neutral equilibrium, where I hope to be able to lift her back out from. (she said we're over, still blocks my phone, but communicates though monosyllabic, on my secondary devices messenger, and sporadically calls me back - that's her victimizer-why-do-you-still-try-talking-with-me-you-mean-bully-mode).

  I somehow want to explain her, that however carefully I am trying not to trigger her rage-mode, she could unintentionally flip, given an unforseenable stimulus. Because while she's rolling in her tantrum soup of dark world, she takes absolutely no input, is partially deaf and sees red (she agreed to that), and she blames everything on me of course. - it will happen again.

  Is trying to explain that a good idea, or bad idea? (Asking because she says she's fed up now, given numerous previous occurrencies of me completely caving in to the silence treatment after she cooled down).

  Given that she pretty unmisunderstandably communicated that she is not willing to change her self, and that telling her, however mindfully I do it, in the end points to a flaw of hers, might be a dangerous area to step in. I don't know.

  I'm afraid she could push me further down the cliff. So maybe I should just let things flow and not mention?

Hi Gumiho,

*welcome*


In a situation like this, what I like to do is turn it the other around and I'm being asked the questions that I propose to ask someone else, how would it feel? I think that you already know your answer, you just need a nudge.

We can't control someone else, we can only control how we act and react, so if she's clearly not going to change then you have to ask yourself what is my boundary with that?

Hi Mutt,
Thanks for the reply~

You're right on that. I know the answer. Like how I've tried to point out her BPD (in the heat of an argument), she rejected it outright with me being insane. Any critics, adressing, or reasoning snowballs right back with my girl. As much as I'd like to help her, her psychosis is something she first has to recognize herself (she partly did, but overrules it by pulling fabricated truths by), I can only support her on that "journey". If she allows me to or so I might say.

I planned to tell her that I am not responsible for her emotions (in SET form ofc) in a good phase, should such ever return. She's completely locked up right now, to me.

That's BPD.


You're right, here's another way, you could radically accept (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0) her, she is who she is. I've been through this, I used to have long drawn out fights trying to prove to my exuBPDw that I was right, one of the most important tools that I learned here that I use almost everyday is to not JADE. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0)

Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or explain, as I said mentioned earlier, baiting and dissociation is the nature of the disorder. If my exuBPDw is convinced that the sky is red when we fact we all know that it's not, she's entitled to her reality, her reality is real to her just as ours is to us.

There's a moto from an old moderator that I like because it details what is important. Reality is open to debate, emotions and feelings are real. When I think about that, I think about a car crash and how witnesses will usually have differences with how they interpret the accident, how your uBPDgf interprets reality is going to be different than how you interpret yours, don't debate it, focus on her feelings like you said, feelings equals facts to a pwBPD, it's the other way around for the non disordered feelings are followed by facts.

You could try using validation, everyone wants to be heard and validation makes a person feel like they're being heard, I can see in my kids eyes and faces when I validate them, it also makes the kids feel connected to me.

Thanks Mutt.
I took that advice. I validated her, again. I will keep validating her using SET, repeating, like the children I'm teaching. Ain't a far fetched analogy since mrs.gumiho is pouting now (still ㅡㅡ). Until she (hopefully) realizes that I have no evil intent.

I got "I'm busy" today at noon, only. ㅡㅡ

I just validated her again before.
- I know I have hurt you a lot, many times.
- With all due respect, to you it looks like I did that on purpose - that's why you gave me such a reaction.
- In truth, I can understand you very well (she blurted out I couldn't understand her the last time we spoke). I hope you know I will be there for you when you need me. love, Gumiho

Let's see. I know with her, persistence usually wins.
Any input on validation is always welcome. I'm trying to use different wordings in every iteration, or I end up busted (for repeating) and she'd blow up again.