BPDFamily.com

 I need help setting up boundary and the issue lies in the welfare of her children and her relationship with me .

I don't like the fact that she lies when she triggers and plans, lies, and moves to hurt me and it's never for anybody's benefit but to her own emotional state ... am i correct.

 I don't know what to say or how to set a boundary where this behavior is not acceptable,  because it's not a behavior I can control.  I want her to seek help but she has to do it on her own. I'm just trying to prepare for when she comes back so that she doesn't keep leaving every few months.  I really would rather have her here and dealing with the issue. I do not wan the kids being moved all the time because she is mad at me and run on impulsive decisions based on fear of rejection or what ever the trigger is.


  I don't want to threaten her, give her a ultimatum to her, I don't want to give her fear rejection or abandonment.  I don't know what to say. I don't know what it will take for her to help her not make irrational decision like this .

I'm frustrated today.

Boundaries are about protecting you, and are not to be focused on making your pwBPD change so much as YOU changing what you will tolerate. 

We cannot change them.  Not outright, and while getting yourself in a better place CAN change the dynamic and make it healthier, the pwBPD is usually (to me it seems) just along for the ride as you make changes to yourself, your reactions, and how you handle their crazy.  As YOU become more mindful of the situation and learn new ways to react, they get pulled up out of the well they are stuck in - they will always have BPD.  They will always be prone to out of control emotions.  But as you work on YOU reactions to things, the overall environment will improve.  Our normal, knee-jerk reactions often our fuel on the fire instead of ending the conflict.  We try to reason, we try to comfort in ways that would work for us, and it all backfires because we are not looking through the lens of shame avoiding BPD. 

Since children are involved, this is a lot harder.  In my case, I have worked very hard to keep all conflict between us, keep it out of the public eye, keep it below the radar.  I have not had to call the authorities, get in touch with a lawyer or anything like that because I am just one person, an adult, who is choosing to be in this relationship and work on it.

Children are not adults making a choice themselves, nor are they old enough and developed enough to actually make that kind of choice.  They are just stuck with whatever adult drags them around.

You may need to speak to someone to solidify your rights, if there are any legally, to protect the kids.  This may include something that would prevent her from being able to uproot them on a whim.  You cannot make her stop uprooting herself.  You cannot reason with her about it, you cannot use logic, or expect empathy for the plight of the kids to sway her.  There is no magic type of validation that will change her behavior.  Her own emotions s are all she can see.  If her emotions kick into flight/push mode, she is going to react that way.  And right now, her response is to leave and grab the kids.  Yes, it is meant to hurt you, to get back at you for whatever she has determined is all your fault at the time, and the kids are merely tools to help hurt you. 

1 - see what you may be doing that builds up conflict instead of ending it sooner.  One thing we all tend to do is stick around for the fight to try to reason with our SO.  To try to convince them that whatever is freaking them out is really not a big deal, it will be okay, they are really fine, etc.  Unfortunately, all of these responses are horribly invalidating.  Sometimes simply stating "I hear how you feel, it sounds like it sucks," is all you can do, and sometimes it's enough to dial back the outburst trying to break free.  Look up JADE and see if you are doing anything to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain, instead of listening, validating how they feel (not validating that you agree, just that you realize they have their feelings). 

2 - If possible, leave when it's clear the argument if going to happen.  With kids this is hard, but if you are usually the target of the anger, leave the room, go for a walk, a drive, go pick up groceries, go mow the lawn, whatever you need to do to simply no be present for the argument.  This changes the dynamic.  This forces the pwBPD to deal with their emotions without using you as a verbal (or real) punching bag.  And it protects you from a lot of nonsense.  You don't even need to tell her you are leaving till she calms down.  Just do it.  A boundary is an agreement with yourself for what is tolerable. 

3 - If you can't physically leave (it may be late, you may be ill, in a car together... .), be as bland and nonconfrontational as you can, refuse to fight.  After a while of not getting an equal and opposing emotional response, my H tends to go into the Silent Treatment phase, which honestly, while I hate the first bit of it, I'm happier with that then outright yelling.  Get to the silent treatment.  This can last for a few days, and it still not a healthy response to disagreements, but it is better (in my opinion) to the shouting and outright rage.

4 - talk to the kids privately.  let them know in an age appropriate way that Mom has problems with getting upset, but it IS NOT THEIR FAULT.  I grew up with 2 BPD aprents.  This is very important.  Tell them in a way that won't cause drama if it's repeated back to her.  You love Mommy, and she loves them, but sometimes grown-ups get upset and sometimes that makes them want to move out, etc.  Don't bash Mom, just let the kids know that when grown ups get in fights, it's not the kids' faults. 

5 - Get in touch with someone NOW about custody rights.  Don't wait until you are in danger of having your rights revoked, lay some simply groundwork now to protect you and the kids.  Be honest, and state that you have concerns and want the kids protected but are holding off on any permanent action at this time. 

It's normal to be frustrated.  Things CAN get better.  But we can't look at boundaries as a manner to control them, since we can only control ourselves. 

Thank you for the thoughtful response... I agree, we can use boundaries for anyone but protecting ourselves... it's our tool for our safety and well being...

I have spoken to an attorney, and she suggested once she comes back at the right  time and place apparatchik her with temporary  guardianship for educational and medical needs... it would last a year... the premise is to protect the kids but in all reality she should take them regardless... unless she waives her parental rights... not sure if that conversation could ever happen, because that will set a tone, of bad mom victimization and quick placement in black.

The aunts spoke to the birthday girl and it's telling.

The kids are bored, they have no toys, and nothing to do, they sit around his house doing nothing. She was not happy and misses her toys. in the background of that phone call her mom states to her daughter,

 " maybe we will go back to _______ to get your toys. "

My aunt thinks and I as well, see her shifting her tune. She stated when left she was not coming back, then  later that week, never coming back--- so it's all possibly shifting now.  she has no money till the end of the month... so it may likely occur then-- but the paradigm shift of b to w ... has not begun...

1). We have rarely ever fought... it's never screaming matches, rages... the circular arguments occurs and I won't play... I know JADE well... but I do conclude that I need to have self awareness about how I see, say and interact. Empathy has to be in brain and heart all the time...

2) I like this. Walk away, and do something. 

3) I would prefer the silent treatment at home... not when she run off and went 1300-1800 miles away...

4) I plan on having a talk with them. Privately--I'm sure they now see this behavior as weird... I also have to likely clear my name with them on what ever smear campaign occurred while on the drive and them sitting there doing nothing.

Thanks for some insight...