BPDFamily.com

Hey gang,

I don’t post much but this board has been a big help for me the last year and a half. I still work with my BPDex which makes my detachment difficult and slow. We’ve been NC-LC-Contact- back to NC and it repeated a couple of times this the past 18 months. And then there was the little 3 month recycle about 1 month ago. I actually stopped that. We had a lot of talks and I’ve been given some closure. It hit me that we can never be together. I just can’t.  But I still struggle. I DON’T want to be with him . I can’t trust him anymore. He changes his mind way too many times about his feelings for me, I deserve more. But everytime I see him at work it hits me. I’ve reduced seeing him at work and changed my schedule to twice a week but more I can’t do.

He’s avoiding me too in a way, adjusting his schedule but we do work on some projects together. So there’s some LC on work. He’s still push/pulling me. Being friendly, than avoidant. Showing up on my lunchbreak. Making comments about how I look. And I get anxious. I sleep bad the night before I know I’ll have to see him. Rumours about my replacements. It’s likea  part in me still wants him to like me in a way but in my head I don’t. I honestly could not be with him anymore. Too much boundaries have been broken. How do I reach this final step? Does it just take time? 

When we broke up after the last recycle he said he didn’t want to fight. I told him we’re not and we can be friendly. We’ve to work together. My life without him is back on track. I’ve been working with a T on my ‘inner child’and my need for validation. I see that in a way my BPDex and I are very similar. I’m also a big part in the push/ pull not letting go completely. I don’t want to let him down as many around him have. But I can’t have him treat me the way he does. The cycle, in or out the r/s, it’s the same. But I do treat him in some ways similar too. Do I still make sense? English is not my mother-tongue so it’s sometimes difficult to expres myself. 

I know it’s about me and that if I don’t do it, it won’t stop. I read a lot that BPD have the power, but WE DO actually, all of us. We can stop this, they can’t. But at this point I don’t know how. Any thoughts?

XOXO

Hi I_am_Stacey,

You make absolute sense.  I'd say that under the circumstances you're doing extremely well in your thinking about this and sound very clear and determined about the way you wish your life to be.  That's really admirable, as working with him, as you've said, must be very difficult.  I'm not surprised to hear you have sleep disruption around those days.  Does your employer know that you feel uncomfortable working alongside him?  Perhaps there is some way you could be accommodated? 

You've obviously done some really good work with your therapist and that type of self inventory takes work, which you're clearly prepared to put in.  Sounds like you've already come a long way in gaining clarity and desire to detach and heal fully.  I think the employment situation is unfortunate, yet others do manage it, so I hope you receive some replies from individuals who can share tips on this.  What are you doing aside from your therapy to help yourself to move on and enjoy your life outside of the relationship?  Any good self care strategies in place to build up your strength and resilience so that the work thing can become easier to handle?  There are lots of good ideas on other posts so do have a good read and keep posting too.  It all helps.

Love and light x

Thanks for replying Harley Quinn, and thank you for your kind words. I do think I've come a long way. I just struggle with the "what if" in a way I quess. I know him so well. If it wasn't for the not respecting my boundaries and the constant splitting- leaving, the push-pull, we'd be very compatible. That sounds weird. I know I can't handle it, so I have to put a stop to it. In a way I think it's sad that I can't? Does that make sense? How do I let go f this feeling? I wish it'd be different. that's hard to let go. Any advice? Every time I see him, it reminds me of it.


I started working out again, take walks in the park, go out with my friends. I am enjoying myself without him.

He was never raging at me or anything. Just if I get too close he pushes and disappeares. Not responding, not picking up the phone. I can see it coming in his behaviour. During the recycle he told me "As soon as I put a label on it I get scared and I 've to push". But I can't be with him and he's free to do whatever he wants. I know I'll always wonder and I don't deserve that. There have been many replacements the past 18 months which I can't handle either. I know I can't, NO TRUST. I know what we had was real and I mean a lot to him. He doesn't want to hurt me and he knows he does everytime. So I've to be the strong one for both of us here.
I've to let go of the dream... .but when I see him I wonder. I hate him acting like he doesn't care, but I know he can't do it differently. I just don't want to treat him in that way, do you know what I mean. But that makes me kinda stuck I quess.

XOXO

Hi I_am_Stacey,

You're already doing lots of great things to move on and enjoy your life, which is wonderful.  Having this proximity at work is really tough for you and is a definite stumbling block.  It may be in time that you become indifferent, but whilst you still have the what if's perhaps some information you can plant in your mind that sticks with you would be helpful.  An affirmation?  Something that reminds you WHY you need to let go of the what if's even if they are there and helps to pull you back to the present moment. 

I practise mindfulness, which is great for centering yourself when you feel overwhelmed by thoughts/feelings.  One way you can easily do this at work is to bring yourself into the present moment by simply focusing on your breath, feeling the rise and fall of your chest or abdomen for a few moments.  It's not necessary to sit and meditate to get into the now.  Remember thoughts are not facts so we can choose not to grab onto them.  Don't allow that what if thought to be of any more importance to you than the thought about deciding what to eat for breakfast.  Alternatively you could concentrate on paying attention to the sounds at work, or the things you can see out of the window, just to take your mind away from the feelings and thoughts you're experiencing.


You know in yourself what is acceptable to you and isn't.  I'd say it's entirely reasonable that the things you shared would not be acceptable to you and it would be worrying if you were prepared to cast aside these boundaries and lose yourself for the r/s to continue.  Have you read the 10 beliefs that can get us stuck?  They are within the lessons to the right and also the article at the top of the board about surviving a failed relationship.  I found this really helpful too, as I put to rest some of my thought processes that I then knew were misguided on my part.  You will find what works for you .  I don't envy you for the work scenario, yet with your sense and support of your T, friends, etc. I am sure you can get through this.  Stay strong in knowing what is good for you and put that first.

Love and light x