BPDFamily.com

Me:
1. ptsd diagnosis by the VA; combat veteran
2. Married for 4 years
3. 2 sons, currently 3.5 and 2, and a third son due end of August
4. Currently retired on disability and due to start a residential treatment program in July for my diagnosis

Her:
1. Undiagnosed but clearly suffering with a high-functioning BP, perhaps with co-morbid NPD
2. Routinely calls police on me; this past weekend threatened to do so at the mall, prompting a concerned citizen to call the police. Wife was accusing me aloud of abusing her and boys. No charges filed, and she even came and picked me up after I was questioned
3. Monthly she takes boys away from me and flees to her parents, where I am unwelcome.  Never allows me to have boys on my own
4. Threatens divorce and/or police regularly, then makes full 180. Says this stuff in front of boys. Calls me a  father, an abuser, not a father, etc in front of the boys.
5. Tells me to commit suicide on a regular basis
6. When at her parents (she's been there 5 weeks now), calls me every 3 days or so while she and her mother are engaged in a verbal assault that should lead to police intervention. Do this in full view of the boys.
7. Uses access to boys as her way to keep me in line and coming back/welcoming her back
8. She's allowed her brother, who was in a methadone treatment program when I first me him, who I bailed out of jail the very first time we met, and who has no custody of his own daughter at all; he's has more unsupervised, unfettered access to my sons than me
9. Has effectively isolated me from all friends and family; I understand my culpability in this, but any attempts to bring my family into the fold, brings a halt to all conversation and typically leads to her leaving the home with the boys, or the police being called. I've taken the path of least resistance. That is going to end. My boys deserve to meet my family, know there are all these other people who love them very much.
10. This list goes on, but I'll wrap it up for now

Despite all this, I love my wife, but understand fully that I need practice selfcare. I see no way for this marriage  to survive. I need to begin to rebuild my own self, to be the father my sons deserve, the father she won't let me be.
Where do I begin? Do I fight for full custody? Or do I try to be amicable and file for joint custody? She will most certainly push for full custody. She will also try to move them out or NJ where we live. Not sure about others states, but in NJ to do that, it takes consent, and I won't consent to that. She will want to move them to her parents home, which I can't allow. For their health and safety.
Hoping to hear from the community.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for the support. 

Have you retained an attorney?

If not... .

Have you interviewed several?

Make sure they are familiar with "high conflict" cases.

You need to figure out, with your attorney, what is reasonable to expect to get, given the evidence that exists at the moment.

You will need to show whatever you have and make reasonable guesses about what you can get.

Then push for a bit more than that.

Here is the thing.  If you push for full custody, and the evidence points to you being lucky to get supervised visits... .the courts will be unlikely to pay attention to you. 

Your best strategy is to retain and attorney and get both of you full evaluations that can be used as evidence.  Push for therapy for all, including the kids.  Push for this in your filings and the temp orders.  Courts like therapy and proactive parents that are "for" their kids.

Does this make sense?  Thoughts?

FF

What... if anything has been filed at this point?  Any legal papers at all?

If there are none... .can you wait until after your treatment plan/results are a bit clearer?

FF