BPDFamily.com

I'm new to SET and need help with this one. My bf who i think is BPD is moving out and may/may not want to keep dating (depending on the day.) I enforced a boundary and had my college son move in with us for the summer. My son has learned to walk on eggshells (which he should've never had to learn) and been a perfect roommate while working 50 hrs a week and spending 1/2 nights with his dad. Bf has spun situation and says I forced him to move because he didn't want to live with my son. Says I've disrespected, emasculated and betrayed his trust. He is sad and depressed and blames it on me. "This could've all been avoided if ... ."This is really the only time I have set a boundary in the 3 years we've been together. I am trying to validate his feelings and not focus on defending myself. I think it is much more important to focus on his past hurt which makes him believe I should protect him but he's not ready to go there. He clearly thinks that because I did not give into him, that I don't love him enough and I'm "no different than all the rest." This may indeed be a conflict that will never be resolved, but I need help navigating through his mixed messages. Any advice?

It sounds like what you are talking about is an Extinction Burst (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0). They happen when someone pushes against our boundaries and we maintain them. (Good for you for maintaining your boundary by the way!)

Read the link and tell us if you think that it fits with what you are experiencing.

Thank you for your informative response. How can I tell the difference between extinction burst and plain disregulation? My BPDs nasty behavior has been intermittent for a few weeks now supposedly because of my enforced boundary. He keeps insisting that he's upset because my actions hurt him deeply because of his past, ( his mom is BPD) and it's just not that he didn't get his own way. I didn't give in, so I'm untrustworthy. Is it possible that he really believes that or is that just manipulation? Also, today he calmed down and no longer wants to move out. Is this a recycle? Is this a good opportunity for more boundaries if I let him stay?

An extinction burst is a form of escalated dysregulation. It happens when the pwBPD does not get the desired response from the non.



It is very unlikely that he would admit that the dysregulation is because you maintained your boundary.

There is no real way of knowing what he truly believes. We do know that the reality of people who present BPD traits is often created by their emotions. So, he could truly believe those things in the moment. But, emotions change and that means that the reality changes. This is why it is advisable not to take things personally.


I'm not sure that I would call it a "recycle." This is partly because I dislike the term, but mainly because it sounds like he's starting to self-soothe. You've changed the dynamic, so the response to the situation changes.

What he may or may not be doing shouldn't be of paramount importance to you. I only point it out so that you can be prepared and make your choices accordingly.

What you do, how you choose to respond, and what you want should be where
 the focus is. How do you feel about all of this?