BPDFamily.com

I'm on a roll here with new posts today folks. Bear with me.

In terms of when you're split - am I'm thinking more in lines of a permanent or major type of split where contact won't be reestablished for a LONG time if ever...

... how common is it for them to change their appearance radically?

The girl I dated dyed her hair blue, started curling her hair, which was previously straight and jet black. Even her clothing style looks different. Also big life decisions like quitting her job to go back to school or applying for another job. The job she had when we broke up was one she was very proud to initially get and had wanted for a long time but after the break up it seemed totally unimportant as if she wanted to leave soon.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes, I am going to reply because this struck a nerve with me.

Many, many times my ex gf dyed her hair, red, blonde, brunette, perm, straight, tied back etc. Even her face changed a lot over the time we were together... .she would just look different although I don't know whether this was to do with her dieting fads and alcohol binges.

I just think it could be to do with having no fixed identity JB.

Oh and the person I met did change jobs and appearance after we split... .she lost her job for speeding. Always dressed like a tramp when I knew her, now she seems to wear dresses.

Hi jingle,

It's not uncommon for appearance changes to occur and what's effectively creation of new personas.  My ex changed his dress style and hair colour, length, facial hair numerous times and was a big stocky guy when we were together.  When I saw him recently he was so changed I barely recognised him.  The weight loss is most dramatic of all the differences.  Totally looked like a different man.  Which I guess is what he's going for.  He's mirroring someone else's character and interests right now so literally is creating a new person out of himself.  

I must admit I myself have a tendency to change my hair at the end of a chapter (OK relationship) as it makes me feel somewhat rejuvenated.  There could be an element of closing a door and as jambley says the lack of real identity is a massive aspect of this behaviour in a pwBPD.

How does the alteration in appearance have you feeling?  Have you seen your ex in person to note these changes?

Love and light x

PwBPD have a underdeveloped core, need others to become whole.
Many wondering the change of appearances, about the social background of the next one, the new norms and values, the dislikes once that are now liked, etc.

Just to feel whole again, to make their core complete, pwBPD are often compared with chameleons.
So they will most certainly abandon everything she was with you.
That is in order to have a deep and understanding bond (but superficial as you might have noticed, as deep emotional subjects were avoided) with the attachment.

Why? For survival, as the good feelings rewards them and keeps the new attachment hooked, almost at whatever it takes.  All in order to avoid their biggest fear, being abandoned.
 
In time, despite every r/s is different, the disorder will surface again, no doubt and don’t worry about that.
Please focus on the most important, YOU.

But devaluation will set in, sets in long before the ‘non’ ever notice. Just for futilities (like not showing enough interest in new cloths). That accumulates and accumulates, still without you notice it, until the so called testing you will begin.
Circular arguments, being embarrassed, being more and more criticised.
All testing your ‘real love’ for that fear of abandonment.
The devaluation in full glory, however you still wondering what is going on… for months, for even years…
 
That triggers their fear and sets in the other identity they create, the bad one, you can’t be trusted, you don’t  love enough, etc.
Short, you failed! Like her parents failed, like every one else failed.

Now to avoid those feelings and the anxiety pwBPD will seek reward outside the r/s.
No not necessarily by cheating (although it seems to be more than common), it comes in all sorts, like substance abuse, shopping addict, visiting all kind of activities so going out and out seeking ANY reward to sooth themselves.

The sad and ironic of it is that you/we were the cause of all…
The sad and ironic is that we loved a person for years, decades in whom we believed and trusted even had kids with.

You are not dealing with any logic, you are dealing with a disorder.