BPDFamily.com

Hi
I've been dealing with so much pain, panic, and confusion this week and if any of you out there can help me at all with advice or experience, I would be very grateful. I hope this isn't too long. If any of you kind souls would actually read the details here, it could help me deal with this very devastating moment.

My wife and I have been together for 5 years (she is 26, I am 29). We sometimes have typical couples problems, but what has been unique about our relationship is the willingness for us to open up to one another and share our emotions, share our hurt feelings, and in this way rejuvenate our marriage. She's mentioned suspecting she may be BPD or cyclothemic (milder bipolar) in the past, but she hasn't exhibited any truly worrying symptoms. She has black and white thinking sometimes for sure, but I've always helped her to become aware of when that's happening. She changes ideas of what she wants to do with her career a lot, but that's normal coming out of university. She goes through stages of idealizing and then being critical of her friends, but the critical is always just a little talking and disappointment, never cutting them out of her life. She has anxiety for sure, is a highly sensitive person, and possibly aspergers, so I chalked it up to this.

Well, last Sunday sure has me questioning my own sanity and our life together. We had argued a few days earlier... it was a bad argument, a lot of crying and I shared some self destructive and dark thoughts I've been having about myself. I'm somewhat depressed and my mom just was diagnosed with breast cancer, so I shared with my wife that I had been having some suicidal ideation. I was very clear that I would NEVER hurt or kill myself, but rather that these thoughts were an expression of the deep pain I sometimes feel. I shared this because we share our deep emotions together. Anyway, she was clearly very disturbed by this, and in the days afterwards anything that was at all even lightly scary (taking a corner a little fast in the car for example) she had a very exaggerated response to. I could tell something was still wrong after our argument and I asked... .She said when we were arguing you had a letter opener and you were stabbing your leg. I told her no I wasn't I was just fidgeting with it on my leg like I do when I'm nervous. She started crying and said I wasn't validating her feelings. I said I'm sorry I can see how it would be scary, but I'm just telling you it wasn't my intention to hurt myself at all and I was just thoughtlessly playing with the letter opener like I do when I'm working every day. She again was upset and said I was too rational and that I was invalidating her feelings. (Another note: she quit buspar [an anti anxiety med which messes with serotonin] cold turkey a few days before this happened... maybe this could have influenced her state?)

I should also mention that it's been stressful living here in the month after we've graduated. We're at my parents which brings up anxiety from her past about her mom. Job prospects are awful for her, and housing is very high. My step dad at home is quite sick and my mom now has cancer. I can see how she may have felt overwhelmed and even trapped, but I thought it didnt matter because of our bond together. In addition, I told her I would move with her to her home country in a year.

Anyway, the next day things seemed normal again. She was happy. We took a walk and everything was lovey, and not in a fake way. I could tell something wasn't quite right, but I thought it was because the argument we had wasn't 100% resolved. that night we laughed and had a normal evening. The next morning she made breakfast and was cheerful. I was in the other room and she said "I'm taking a shower." Then I hear the front door close. I look out, it's an Uber. Confused as hell I run down and ask what's going on. She says her dad is having a heart attack (he's in another county - her whole family and friends are) and she has to go right then. I said i'm so sorry, I'll drive you. She refused, however, and as I went to get her bag for her she just straight left in the UBer. I followed the car and at the train station asked her again what was going on, is she leaving me? She looked cold as hell, even angry at me (such a shocking display considering our relationship up til then). She said my dad is sick I need to leave, I need space, I'll explain when I get there.

She ignored further calls and texts until later she sent one out saying "sorry for leaving so abruptly. I am in panic and have never been this scared before. I'm leaving today and I'll talk to you later". A couple days later after no responses she said her dad was doing better, she was okay, she was sorry for scaring me, but that she was tired and needed a couple days to rest before she could talk. That was three days ago. I've sent countless messages, all reasonable and thoughtful in my mind, saying I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I wish I could be there for you. I'm sorry about our argument, I was wrong. I even listed all of the things I think I've done wrong lately and what I want to improve on. I can see on Facebook that she has received these messages but hasn't opened them. I asked her friend and her friend said she also was told she needed space. I checked in with the brother and mom and they confirmed the dad was sick ( i felt paranoid that this was just an excuse she made up to leave me).

Anyway, I've been desperate and sending her stuff about how I miss her. I sent her one last email very well composed telling her she hurt me but that I also understand the pain and panic she's going through and that I'm here and want to talk to her, and can she please contact me. So that's where our relationship stands now.

Some questions for those of you with more experience:

1)Does this sound like the behavior of someone with BPD? It literally felt like a flip had been switched and suddenly she was a different person, completely abandoning me. It was so scary, out of character, and unexpected. I also know that her grandmom had what they suspected with bipolar, but it could have been something else. Her mom also has some difficult emotional condition, maybe narcissistic personality disorder or she's just cold and self centered. For this reason my wife had a difficult and emotionally abusive upbringing.

2)Do you think this could instead be explained by dealing with grief and shock about her dad? I still cant understandwhy she couldn't share that with me. Is it possible this isn't BPD at all?

3) If you suspect this is the "splitting" behavior of BPD, what do you think I should do? Stop messaging and give her the space she asked for, even though its tearing me apart? I've already spilled my heart so I dont know what else I can do. Should I get a plane ticket to go see her? What makes sense?

4) Iv we've had a solid, loving relationship without an incident like this for 5 years, and it suddenly happened, what do you think the chances are she will allow me back in? How long might this take? any experience? she has told me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and she seemed so sincere. I've also never seen her cut anyone off like this before, although she said she had unhealthy breakups in her teens.

5) What can I do to cope? It's so terrifying and lonely.

Thank you so much for any help.

Sounds definitely like you were split black, and chasing her further pushed you into black... I'm in the same boat 2nd round in a year. 6 yrs prior to that no issues.

What I have learned for me, is to undertake working on me, learn about the disorder, and wait... it may not last long, it may last a while. Each pwBPD is different.

I would stop pushing... she will contact you and begin working her way through... there will be circular conversations, and avoid JADE...

It has been 19 days, of her silent treatment and black, but I was in downward direction of black in early June... I saw emotional and physical distancing, she was becoming increasingly stressed, about work, my stress. Her kids reaction to her working. It cumulated to me being painted black and her leaving--

When it happened before I just ignored passive agressive attacks, and when she contacted me I had to learn to not react negatively.

You have been split -now you wait. Im sorry I can't give you more info... I'm learning a lot... best wishes

Hi sardinops,

*welcome*

I'd like to join Whoad and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, do you have an update for us?


I'm sorry to hear about your mom, that's really difficult news.

You sound like you have knowledge and understand that a pwBPD are hypersensitive, but hypersensitivity aside, it takes two to fight. I've been on those shoes and I had some really bad fights, I'd recommend to do self work and change your responses with potential conflict.

A pwBPD can't regulate or self sooth, it takes the much longer to return to their baseline of happiness, it takes them even longer to return to baseline  if there's conflict for several days.

You have the right idea about talking about things, but are you get help from a T? I think some stuff should be reserve for a T and having good communication tools under your belt is great for your partner, they're also tools that you can carry over to all aspects of your life.

Everybody wants to be heard, a pwBPD have low self esteem, low self worth and are hyper critical with themselves, I personally think that the harshness that comes out at times is also a part of their inner dialogue, like a punitive parent talking down to a child, with black and white thinking like you said, always reflecting on the negative and not the positive, that has to wear you down and make you feel miserable.

That's were validation comes in, I'm not suggesting to fix all of her problems, you can coach and lead, don't rescue her, validation makes someone feel like they're heard, a pwBPD need a lot of validation, you can find that in our lessons on the right side of the board.

I get SI thoughts too, they're sparse now but I've some really spotty areas in the past, I have depression and anxiety, I struggled with that for years, I talked to my GP, I was referred to a P( Psychiatrist ) and was prescribed medication, well actually from my GP, the P increased the dosage and it has elevated my quality of life where things are more manageable,I'd like to think that it's improved my relationship with others as well since I started take care of myself. I completely understand sharing with your partner, have you shared the same thing with your MD or GP?

We're not doctors and can't diagnose,only a professional can do that! What we can look at are BPD traits, my guess is that she's feeling engulfed, a pwBPD have push / pull behaviour that feels like crazy making behaviour to us, when they feel engulfed, their sense of self is being  consumed in the r/s they'll push you away. The distance created by the push behaviour then triggers the fear of abandonment and then a pwBPD will pull.

I agree with Whoad, breathe deeply, focus on the present, you've sent her enough messages, it's going to scare her off even if she's not BPD women and men don't like clingy behaviour, take a time out, you have a lot on your plate with your own life, I'd suggest to find a T, if you don't have one, read as much as you can about BPD, learn the tools and learn about yourself in the process.