BPDFamily.com

Hi!

I'm new to this forum, I wish I had found it a year ago but here I am now so thank you all for having me.

My (ex) husband (technically we are still married, but I've managed to get my own apartment) is a diagnosed Borderline-Narcissist. After I initially moved out because I couldn't stand the constant onslaught of criticism and finally physical assault, we attended about three months worth of couples therapy sessions (this was the first time he had ever been in a therapists office his entire life so it was a huge deal that he even got in the room). I've read tons of books on BPD and continue to go to that same couples therapist on my own so there is no doubt about what I'm dealing with here. 

Anyways, enough backstory - here's my current major dilemma:
I moved out, but only about 5 minutes away from where we lived together. We have a 3 year old son together and because he is holding onto our relationship for dear life he makes all these crazy demands on me. I am trying to separate myself from him, but when I bring out son over he demands that I stay and have coffee and "play family" ... .he always manages to strong arm me into doing things that I DON'T want to do because I am ultimately avoiding a conflict... .this need to maintain the peace is especially necessary when thinking about my child. He has no filter when it comes to our son... .he would blow up at me in front of our son but I try to protect it. I guess my question is - how do I find the strength to actually separate? And how to I make co-parenting a thing that is even possible? The minute I mention something I had been thinking about in terms of parenting he gets on the defensive and immediately argues that whatever my thought was, was in correct. I still haven't done anything officially with the courts... .I had a few lawyers letters sent, but he just laughed at them and torn them up. I just feel very lost and would love to have some support, meet some friends in similar situations.

Firstly, I hope you are safe. 

Secondly, what kinds of "crazy demands" does he make?

What legal letters have you sent him that he's torn up?

Welcome Expat_Girl85!

There are many facets to your situation, and I hope and expect that you will get a lot of good support here.  I don't feel like I can cover all of your questions, but have some thoughts that might help with some of it.  Dealing with a BP can be super difficult, especially if you are trying to avoid conflict, they are trying to cling to control, discussions circle around without resolving anything, etc.  I'm glad to hear you have the support of a therapist.  It may be helpful to additional support from other professionals as you try to figure out coparenting if you find it difficult to work things out one to one.

It sounds like you have decided on divorce.  Understanding the various methods of divorce can be helpful in visualizing how it could actually happen, and what the impact on coparenting might be.  You can go with traditional lawyers, go through a mediator, or do something called "collaborative divorce."  I was initially interested in the collaborative approach, which involves a combination of legal, counseling, and financial professionals.  It could be a great option, but could be a bit much if a BP is wary of therapy.  You might consider interviewing lawyers who practice each of the three approaches to get a feel for things.  Mediation can reduce expense and conflict, which can be good for coparenting.  It could be helpful to find a lawyer who has a good reputation for tough cases, but who is also supportive of low conflict approaches and could act as a "consulting attorney" to advise you behind the scenes if you work with a mediator.  That could help you feel safe and prepared for whatever may happen.  If you could get your husband to a therapist at least a few times, perhaps you can get him to a mediator, which could be a huge help in working out a coparenting plan without you having to bear the burden all yourself.

Finally, I would highly highly recommend reading the book "Splitting," by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  It is specifically about divorcing a BP, and I found it hugely helpful in understanding and preparing for that possibility.  Best wishes, and please keep us posted.