BPDFamily.com

I just finished suggesting to someone (on another thread) that they try writing a letter to their partner- when they don't know how to approach a topic or a concern.  I do this sometimes, to avoid JADE-ing.  Sometimes, I actually give the letter to my partner; other times writing the letter in and of itself is enough to help work things out in my head enough to just talk to her.  Well, I find myself needing to write such a letter today, and I figured I'd bounce some ideas off you all before I get started. 

This specifically has to do with how BPD's communicate their needs, wants, and desires.  My partner vocalized a few months ago that she was "ready" to start learning how to vocalize such things in a constructive way.  Before then, she either expected me to "mind read", used manipulation to achieve her needs, or she simply kept them to herself- none of which were helpful in terms of getting her needs met effectively.  But, through her DBT training, she became aware of just how ineffective they were, so now she is working on constructive communication skills.

Let's just say... .it's a work in progress.

We've had a couple of instances lately where I've suspected she's using manipulation again; falling back into a few bad habits when her new skills fail her.  I seriously do not even think she's "aware" of it... .anymore than I'm aware when I chew on a fingernail, you know?  And it's not over anything that I deem very important.  For instance: she has always hinted that she didn't want me to work; that she wanted me to be the "housewife", so to speak.  I had voiced the opposite for a long time, because it wasn't financially practical.  Well, I lost my job several months ago, and I was frantically searching for another.  She chirped up and said, "You can work with me."  And, next thing I know, I'm at her place of employment.  She seemed happy with it, but it wasn't long before she said they'd asked if she wanted a promotion and she said yes.  I asked, "won't that I mean I can't work here anymore?"  And she assured me it wouldn't be a problem- I could still work there.  But four months later, our boss comes to me and says, "so where are you going to work once she gets promoted?"  And I'm like: :O  Come to find out, I was never going to be able to stay there.  She says she just assumed it would be okay, and her assumption proved wrong.  I assumed it wasn't an assumption, but rather that she'd based it on some kind of factual info.  So... .we both made a bad assumption?  hmm... .maybe.  But then she promptly added:  "But, I'm going to be making a lot more money, so... .now you can finally stay home!"  hmm, indeed. 

See, I don't mind, really.  The fact is, she IS going to be making more money, I CAN stay home now, and I want to go back to school anyway.  But it still troubles me that it feels like she fell back on her old subtle ways of manipulating things into going her way.  And, today: another instance that felt similar.  I asked her if it would be okay if I walked her to work.  She seemed fine with it, and she told me to be up by 8.  So I got up at 8, and we started walking.  Except, she wasn't walking- she was SPEED walking, and I mean she was booking it!  We used to walk together when I worked there, and she never walked THAT fast.  It used to take us 30 minutes to get there- today it took us 15!  And it was hot too!  I made the mistake early on of asking: "why are you going this fast?"  She snapped back:  "This is how fast I've been going without you with me.  Sorry!"  I didn't say another word, except:  "I love you and I'll message you when I'm home safe."  Needless to say, I won't be walking her to work again.  And, again, this isn't a "big deal" in and of itself- it's the fact that she can't just say, "I'd rather walk alone."  Instead, she decides to give me some cardio I didn't ask for! 

How do I help her vocalize her needs more constructively?  Also, how do you confront a person about manipulation without it sounding like an accusation?  After all, I really don't think she MEANS to do it... .I just think sometimes it's the only way she's known for most her life.  It's going to take her time to learn and master these new skills from DBT, and I don't want to seem impatient? 

Hi halcyon,

*welcome*

I can see how it would feel embarrassing that the boss asked you were you were going to go after she accepted a promotion. With being aware in mind, what similarity do both instances have? She's not  looking at it from your perspective and how it would affect you, put in another way her empathy is impaired.

What do you think about if I said to depersonalize the behaviour?