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Dear all,

I would have never thought that I'd have heard from my exuBPDgf after such a long time... .but it happened. 2 years and a half later. In the end, it's true they come back in one form or another.

So, some hours ago a message popped up in my FB: it was from my ex. I was shocked, after such a long time. I opened the message, and in it there was a huge stream of violent insults.

Indeed, in the message she tells me that, during the relationship, I was stingy, egoist and egocentric (accusations that are all patently unreal).
The message then continues telling me that I'm the worst person of earth, that I should shoot myself or commit suicide.
Frankly, I've never seen a level of verbal violence like this in my life, and completely out of the blue; I was quite astonished. Anyway, I tried to keep my calm, limiting myself to telling her that she should go to see a psychologist.

She then continued to insult me, more or less doing a permutation of the insults above, while I was just replying at a distance of minutes just with smiles and "ok"s; however, at some point she tells me that she wants I give her back the gifts she gave me during my birthdays... .OR she will "have her revenge".  red-flag

Now, mind that the "gifts" I received are worth less than 100$, so hearing this kind of threats done in the most illogical way scared me quite a little bit.

Frankly I still think often about her, as most of us do, but, as I wrote in the intro, I am completely committed to NC since the breakup -- and I will keep my commitment for the foreseeable future. It was completely out of the blue.
The fact that she did a veiled threat makes me think, in other words, I fear that she will escalate things because of her disorder.
She was VERY probably drunk, and most probably has something bad going on in her life (I really don't know!). Moreover, I live in another country now, so there's not any danger of physical harm.

My idea is to keep NC and not react at all if something like this happens again... .gray stone tactic.
Any comments/thoughts?

When she wrote you that bit, do you think perhaps she was referring to herself? A bit of projection? Just a thought.
It sounds like she is in a lot of pain; it is too bad you have to suffer through that and made to look like the persecutor.

Sometimes when they reach out they don't know how to say they messed up; other times it is to illicit a reaction (attention seeking).

Hi trying, thanks for the answer.

It is quite possible that she was disregulating and projecting -- I remember that during the r/s she often blamed herself and saying that she's "bad" inside.

And yes, I guess she's in a lot of pain and was drunk, but it's just a guess.

I think the "grey rock" method i.e., don't engage or interact in any way, and keep very boring if she will contact again (I hope not) is the way to go. What do you think?

Yes.  :thought:.  FB has this fantastic feature if you're serious about NC called 'Blocking'.  It helps prevent any of the contemplation around how should you reply because you are never contacted in the first place.   :)

To block someone, go to Menu (the 3 horizontal bars), Account Settings, then search for the person's name and select block.  Even if you aren't still friends with the person, you can block them!  I did this with my BPDh, all his family members, and several mutual friends who were turned into flying monkeys.  What do I have now?  A good deal of peace of mind. For the super secret FB stalkers, it prevents them from coming up in searches and all that jazz.

An analogy of sorts:

I think every recovering alcoholic yearns to be okay being in a room with other drinkers.
But one has to know when that moment is right for them; I can not answer that question for you.

NC really isn't a solution, it is just there to help you prepare (detach) for the inevitability when you are in that room with the other drinkers.

Hi

May I just ask you, when she said she would 'have her revenge'... .did this genuinely bother or alarm you? I have homed in on this part of your post as I see you have highlighted it, so it has obviously had a reaction. My question is, how seriously do you take this 'veiled threat'? Although... .it's not really that veiled is it? :)  I don't know your ex or the extremes she will go to, of course, and  I realise that these boards are full of people who have seen some truly off the wall behaviour from their exes, with restraining orders, stalking etc. You know your ex best of all of us. Does she have any ability at all to wreak any kind of revenge against you? Really? Or is it just possible that this is a lost and as you say, possibly drunk, person, floundering around in the dark trying to use words to hurt you and gauge whether she will get a reaction? Is there really any threat inherent?

I only ask this because as I began to grasp that there was something very wrong with my ex when it comes to emotions and interpersonal relationships, and started to find out about BPD, the more easy it has become to dismiss the outlandish things he's said. His 'threats' have been pathetic, and they really are like the rantings of a child who has found themselves backed into a corner. I am lucky I suppose in that he has never for one second made me fear him physically, or think that he would actually do anything untoward to me. His defence is to withdraw and ghost me, not to attack. But when he ended his first epic ST toward me, after almost 6 months, he was determined to try to goad me. After telling me that I was deleted and cancelled and no longer existed (note: he sat down with me at a table in a club to tell me how much I don't exist) and reiterating that I wasn't allowed to talk to people he knows (he also tells other people they are not to talk to me) I stood up to him. I told him not to be so ridiculous and that he doesn't run this town, I don't do what he says and who does he think he is? His next response was '"remember I have photographs of you".   Which is funny, because I thought I was deleted. And as a threat, he'd forgotten clearly, that I have far more explicit ones of him.  But he was just clutching at straws, actually trying to get close to me and was floundering around trying to get the upper hand. 

There's far more to this story, but I've drawn the comparison for you because I wonder if it is at all possible for you, rather than reacting to the red rag she is waving, to simply diffuse and dismiss it.  I simply met my ex's threat with a kind of 'do your worst' shrug... .I knew he was bluffing. It really really is like witnessing someone with the emotional capacity of a child - isn't this how kids try to be leader of the pack in the playground? IF she is going to focus in on the gifts as a problem and that she wants them back, I personally think my response would have been "sure, have them back". Calm and simple. When I did this to my ex, he was on a back foot. He ran out of ideas and ended up staggering drunkenly away, coming back for a 2nd go later during which he kissed me. Yes. The same night.

You and I both know very well that this is not about the gifts at all. I personally think the threat is to try to elicit a stronger response from you, to see how much you care. But as I say, you know her, we don't. So if you think there is any chance she is going to do something truly dangerous, threatening, or harmful to you, it's dead simple. You start logging all of this down, and you go to the police.

One more thing Fr4nz, I saw you posted on another thread about how it is only truly over when we the nons say it is, taking what just happened to you as an example.

You may know if you've seen my posts on here that I'm currently in my 4th (I think) epic bout of being totally ghosted and ignored by my ex, dead to him to all intents and purposes. Except he keeps me unblocked on WhatsApp and except that he's been seen looking at me. In every other way, I have ceased to exist to him.

Precisely because this is the 4th time and because I now know that the ST/ghosting has been precipitated every time by something happening that has highlighted his bad behaviour or flaws, I am about 99% sure that he is going to approach me at some point and reignite contact with me. I could be wrong but... .speaking as someone who has come back from being 'deleted and cancelled' and therefore was resurrected in the past, I am going to go out on a limb and say that he's probably going to talk to me again at some point. It's only now that I have the strength to realise that he isn't necessarily trying to punish me. It's shame or a lack of self worth or whatever else it's triggered in his head that makes him do this. Easier to disregard me and tell others to disregard me than to face himself. But eventually, curiosity, human nature, the need to reattach and to confirm I'm still there comes into play.

Last year, this behaviour crucified me emotionally almost to the point that I wished to die. This is not an exaggeration. At least, I just wanted an end to it all. Now, I see him in the bar, on the beach, in the street, and I cope with it all by just parking it in my mind and thinking, well he's in that phase again. Of course it hurts but it is much easier to deal with these days.  Partly because, or maybe largely because, as you say... .it never really is truly over.

You are so right. I am not holding my breath waiting for him to talk to me, I am living my life and have finally decided that IF someone should come along, I will try to give them a chance.  I miss him, of course I do, but I suppose we both know that even this ST is temporary.  One day, one night out more likely, he will just suddenly start talking to me again. He'll be a bit on a back foot, finding his way in, but it will happen.

It's all just so exhausting, and as I have said so many times before, so terribly sad. For all of us.

Here's the thing I would say to both FrAnz and Stripey77: draw a boundary line. Don't allow people who are verbally, emotionally or physically abusive towards you to have any space in your life. Period. Do whatever you need to do to end it: block on FB, gray rock, etc. Anything less means you are a partner your own abuse.

I still remember when I actually realized - fully realized - that my ex was emotionally abusive. It took me a while to come to that realization because of how sweet, kind and wonderful she was in the beginning. I believed her repeated mantra that I was the problem. But when I stopped listening to what she said and started focusing on her actions in the r/s, things became crystal clear. After we broke up I blocked her in every way, shape and form I needed to in order to heal.

Was her abuse purposeful? No. It arose from her instability and her BPD. Does that matter? Not in a practical sense; her actions, fueled by instability, BPD, phases of the moon, the price of gasoline (blah, blah, blah) were still harmful to me. Incredibly harmful. I wouldn't allow her to "find her way in" to my life again, nor would I respond to a hateful FB message. She once had the right to speak into my life; that is no longer the case. I have grown to love and value myself enough to not give it a second thought.

Do I hate her? No. But I've come to realize that her instability has a profound affect on her moral character. She doesn't actually have any. She will do whatever she feel she needs to do, or is driven to do, despite who it hurts. I refuse to put myself in that line of fire. You should, too.  :thought:

Hi jhkbuzz

Thanks, but I am pretty much blocked by him on every channel possible. I'm not talking about him contacting me via email or text or social media; we live in a VERY small town with many mutual friends. As I doubt either of us is about to leave our respective business/jobs, or the town, seeing him about the place is actually almost unavoidable.  But it's ok, I am taking things way more in my stride these days. I am merely reflecting or positing that there is every chance that one day (more likely night) he is quite likely to try to broker a conversation with me. But I'm strong enough to handle that these days. I'm not going to block him or walk away from him or anything like that if he tries to talk to me, there's no need to. 

Dear Fr4nz-
That must have been quite shocking to be verbally assaulted after 2.5 years!  I'm sorry, and I'm sure you didn't deserve any of those harsh words.  It does serve as a good reminder of why you've maintained NC, doesn't it?

I must salute the response of jhkbuzz!

Way too often we just place the contact control in the hands of others, and why?  Because we're too frightened to cut it off.  So cheers to no fears!  Especially when contact becomes abusive.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

It does sound like you have come into her mind and yes, projection is possible. I would take a screen shot of the message with the date or save it into archive just in case you need it. I have learned that you never know what you may need as evidence with them. No contact is best. It will make her angrier possibly or embarrassed and leave you alone. I have my ex blocked from Facebook and his family.

I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood your sentence


I thought you were saying that it was inevitable that he would find his way back into your life!

Jhkbuzz... .Ah! no... .I will always be his friend and if he wants to talk to me, he can. I want him to. The ghosting is horrible, just horrible. But I cannot do 'this' anymore in romantic terms, we've gone past the point of no return, sadly, unless he gets help which is highly, highly unlikely. But as for being friendly and talking etc. I will always be there for him, because I recognise what he is, a deeply damaged person. And it would be false of me to say I don't miss him, I do, and I still love him for the happiness he gave me. I still care about him. I can't be with him, which he isn't offering anyway, but I also can't be his lover anymore.

What I meant was, I am fairly sure he will talk to me again. Not 100% sure, nothing in life is certain and our exes are predictable in their unpredictability. But going on our track record, I think he will.

Dear all,

thanks for your answers, your support means a lot for me. Just to address some of the points raised by some posters: I think it was an alcoholic rage -- luckily, today there is a complete silence. As such, I think that the veiled threat she made yesterday was just the outcome of her temporary disregulation.

Since I don't want to escalate things, I will not block her and I will keep my NC. Gray rock. In the end, I live more than 7000 km far from her, so I don't have particular concerns.
This seems to be the best course of action, IMHO.

How long was your relationship with her?

One year and a half, the second longest relationship she had in her adult life.

As most relationships with BPD partners, it was a very intense relationship characterized by frequent fights, mostly caused by her issues with alcohol.

I thought that she was a cut-off type... .however, given the recent developments it's anyone's guess what may happen next. As I said, I hope this was just an isolated episode caused by her alcoholic issues.