BPDFamily.com

Our adult daughter has been diagnosed with BPD. She currently lives abroad and so far is holding down a responsible professional job. She is receiving counselling and psychiatric help but has frequent crises.
Her distress is triggered by a failed relationship which she cannot let go. She has self-harmed and attempted suicide after which she spent a brief time in a clinic.
We wish to support her but are disadvantaged in being on another continent. We would dearly love her to come home as would her friends. She expresses a desire to do so but feels she would be a failure if she did.
We do not want to pressurise her and would like to know the best way to communicate with her and support her.
She can be very angry when we push too hard. "What is all the fuss about" is her usual response after a crisis when everyone has reacted to her sometimes public declarations of despair.
Insights from other parents with adult children who have BPD and from people with BPD would be very helpful to us. We are finding this very difficult and distressing.

Hi Worriedparents and Welcome!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and can understand how distressing it must be to know what your daughter is going through whilst she is so far away from your loving care.  Has she been prone to self harm and suicidal ideation in the past?  She will know that she is always in your minds and hearts, and that she can reach out to you when she needs to.  I'm so glad you found the site, as there are many here who will be able to share their own experiences with you and give you support at this difficult time.  You'll also find many fantastic articles and tools available to help you, so I'd encourage you to read all those that speak to you and to read others' posts on the board.  

In particular I'd suggest that the lessons to the right of the page are a great place to start, as there are lots of extremely useful tools here to help you in your communication with your daughter.  I hope you find these useful.  Things can and do get better, so stay positive and look after yourselves too so that you can be strong for her.

Love and light x

Hi Worriedparents

That is really good that your daughter is holding down a professional job and is getting therapy, it sounds like you have given good support and she has some of the skills she needs to keep going, but also so scary.

Just a quick thought - she may be very sensitive to put downs so any thought that she should come home for herself, maybe isn't going to be accepted, but maybe just keep saying how much you would like her home because you want to see her, and how nice it would be for the family, so its a positive thing rather than a rescue or any pressure.  Maybe help imagine what she would like to do at home or what job or living situation - she may not want to move back home, but to an independent situation.  Sometimes focusing on practical details may be useful and focuses on the future rather than what just happened in the past. 

It sounds like you have a warm and loving relationship with her and that is probably a really important support to her.  I hope if it is only about this relationship change she may recover as she moves on and focuses on other people than her 'ex'. 

Hi worried parents

I'd like to join Incadove in welcoming you. You've come to the right place.

Diagnosis is such a big deal. It takes time for everybody to process and each of us deals with it differently. My DS26 reeled, felt everything was hopeless and that his life was ruined forever. It took time for him to experience the new reality.

It's scary and very painful to watch our kids struggle with their lives. We all want the same thing in life: to be understood and to feel loved. I can see the distance between you must be worrisome for you and it's perfectly natural to try and get her home. For whatever reason, she's reluctant and she resists. I'd be distressed and beside myself with worry too. Actually, my DS got dx in the US and we live in the UK so I know what it feels like being so far away.


Our situations are very different because my DS was non-functioning at the time. He had little choice but to come home. Your daughter is managing to hold her job, in therapy (?) and sharing with your her pain from a failed relationship. This is hard for you all. I get the impression that she believes staying is better for her emotionally than it is coming home because emotionally she can't cope with FEELING a failure. My experience is that the more I push, the more my DS digs his heels in. The fact is that when he's in a highly emotional state he just can't listen; he can't hear. There's no point in reasoning with him. It's a limitation I have to work around. This is achieved through more effective communication and validation skills.

I encourage you to read about BPD - take a look at the top right hand side of the page. The more I learned the less I reacted. He needs me to not react. When we know better we do better. There's a way forwards for you as a family where you can show to your daughter that there's an open door home, it's a safe door where she'll feel loved, understood and that it's ok to make mistakes. That's how we all learn. Better communication and validation skills are needed.

My advice would be to stop asking questions, not delve about her situation. Be light and bright in the phone; cheerful and happy. Show her that home is a fuzzy, warm, supportive place. If she shares about her problems and complains about her situation then validate and validate some more. "I'm just so sorry ... ., I'd feel exactly the same... ." but try not to come up with a suggestion or solution for her. The safer she feels in her conversations with you (you not reacting) the more she'll start to feel connected.

Get reading, keep on posting and start learning the skills you need. We're here for you.

What's your thoughts?

Hugs

LP

Ps. My DS26 returned home 19 months ago non-functioning. He's now working, managing his finances, in therapy and learning how to get the skills he needs to deal with his challenges. He got re-dx with GAD, depression and BPD traits. Relationships are KEY to finding a way forwards.

Thank you so much to Harley Quinn, Incadove and Lollypop for your kind replies and especially the thoughts about how to approach talking to our daughter about coming home. Yes we can see how a change in emphasis may be helpful - come home because  we love you and want you here  - rather than a rescue mission. We will look through the information on the site and I am sure we will be in touch again soon.

Hi worriedparents

My life changed once I stopped trying to fix.

My DS needs me to listen, let him bleet, with no criticism, judgment or suggestions. He empties out, he feels safe to do so, his mind clears a little and he feels a bit better so he's able to problem solve - eventually.

Gently forwards. Read, learn and post - you can help yourself by doing these.

LP