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If he's so worried about me leaving for good (which he has stated)

Why can't he do the 1 thing that will make me stay?

I'm sure the answer is in my books I have but i just don't get it?

Does he know what that one thing is? Is he capable of doing that one thing?

He does know, it's cutting a certain person (non family member) out of his life. I believe he is capable of it but he also struggles with cutting anyone out no matter what kind of person they are he sees it as unneeded drama and hopes it just resolves its self eventually. Is this something that is associated with BPD?

He also doesn't fully understand why I see it as such an issue. I feel like he makes excuses not to do it when he says things like "i don't know how to handle it" or "I don't understand why you have to let the past effect the present.

To me it is the present because this person is still in our lives, well his anyway. I go to therapy and i have no personality, mental, or psychological disorders but i still am scared to death every day he is going to leave me, and this plays a part in it. He sees it as a non issue i see it as the biggest one

You don't explicitly say so, but it sounds like this person you want him to cut out is someone he has been sexual with.

" i still am scared to death every day he is going to leave me"

This is a big problem.  If you are scared to death  he is going to leave you, then you have no leverage.  You need to accept:

1. He may leave you and you will need to make peace with that and move on.

2. You may need to leave him.  If you do not consider this as a possible outcome, then you have no leverage.

Discuss this with him from a position in which you have leverage.  :)on't tell him that you are afraid that he is going to leave you and thus emphasize that he has leverage over you.  Make "I" statements about inappropriate his actions are.  "I am so embarrassed by you spending so much time with someone with whom you cheated on me.  I feel humiliated in front of my friends and family.  I DESERVE better than this."

BPDs and NPDs often come up with deflection that something is "in the past" and irrelevant.  Yet they will bring up things from the past to use against you.  My wife sometimes starts complaining about how I don't let the past go--when I haven't mentioned a single thing about the past during that fight.  In other words, she is bringing up past fights!

One time, she even asked me to give her an example of something I had forgiven her for and not brought up in subsequent fights.  I provided the example of the time she got very drunk in front of me and an old friend of mine and proceeded to come on to a complete stranger.  ("Oh, I am going to be camping there too!  I'm going to be alone.  You should come by my tent sometime!" accompanied by inappropriate body language.)  Her response:  "Why are you bringing that up?"  "Um, because you asked me to give you an example of something I have forgiven you for and have not brought up again."

My own background involves working against human rights abuses by oppressive governments.  When one of these governments falls, the people who committed the abuses (torture, rape, disappearances, etc.) inevitably make the argument that everyone needs to "let go of the past and concentrate on the future" instead of "reopening the wounds of the past."  There is an implicit--or sometimes even explicit--threat that they will resume committing these abuses if the victims don't shut up.  One problem, of course, is that the wounds were never closed for the victims because there has been no justice or even admission of wrong doing.  I know some priests who have told me, "Yes, as Christians, we are willing to forgive what they did to us--after they admit their wrongdoing, make reparations, and ask for our forgiveness."  Another problem, of course, is that there is nothing stopping them from doing it again if they are allowed to get away with it.

His involvement with this person sexually was before we met. It happened one time and never again he realized it was a mistake he isn't a guy that slept around he was always in relationships and when he allowed himself to do this with this person he felt he had to try to make himself have feelings for her, it didn't work. He told me when we got together it was done and over with and he has no need for her in his life. She found out he had a girlfriend and tried to commit suicide he took on guilt for this as well as her leaving her husband (which wasn't his fault) and kept her in his life to an extent which i wasn't ok with but he doesn't understand why because he knows his intentions and they aren't anything more than friends (he does stick to his intentions even if his actions don't 100% match them)

 it's a very messed up situation and a long story but fast forward  a year and a half later i find out they have been friends and she has since made herself a "family friend" something about her grandpa and his grandpa and his parents have no idea what has gone on with them in the past or about what issues she has caused directly and indirectly. His mom allows her to come to their house basically whenever she wants and my BPDbf has expressed to his mom that he isn't comfortable with this and she says "i'm 60 years old get over it i'll do what i want" We talk about it and I feel like we come to an understanding then he will say i know i messed up, handled things incorrectly, lied, and hid things but i'm telling you the truth now. I want to believe him but then i feel like if i let my guard down BAM something will slap me in the face


Saying he has few friends would be an under statement he has 2 at best and they are my friends then that girl. I don't think he grasps that certain things in a freindship aren't okay when you have a girlfriend partly because he has no friendships hardly and he's never had 1 exactly like this. To say this girl is stupid would be giving her a compliment she is not a good person and has a very low level of intelligence and common sense. She thinks going outside of her marriage and cheating on her husband multiple times wasn't against the bible or their vows because he called her names sometimes. She's delusional but of course my BPDbf thinks she isn't smart enough to manipulate or hang around just to try to sabotage our relationship. 

I think from what my therapist said and what i've read and learned from others where BPD comes into this is his moods and feelings changing so rapidly and the inability to follow through and the fear of looking like an idiot and feeling stupid that this low life of a girl got one over on him. He has also told me since i do ask for so little he feels like if he gives me the 1 thing i want (to get rid of her) that i will start treating him like a door mat like everyone in his past has.

He has admitted this is what 90% of our fights stem from and he gets so mad about it because i just won't see things his way and let them just play out because he knows his intentions. I dont ever admit to him i think he's going to leave me but he tells me quite often he will threaten to leave me before i can "beat him to the punch" and has no real intentions of doing it, it's how he gets me to shut up.

All i want is a fair shot without this situation so we can focus on things that really matter like him getting help and also finishing school. I try not to push and only bring it up when he does first but it's hard sometimes. When hes taking to long to respond i assume the worst but hes really just sleeping or not by his phone. My therapist told both of us if he wants me to quit worrying and trust him he has to give me something to trust he says "i do it's just not always visable to her"