BPDFamily.com

It is so so hard. I keep trying. Things are good for a while and then a trigger goes off and it is back to square one in a lot of causes further back than square one. Everything is always so extreme but arguments go on and on and on. Setting boundaries are the only thing that has improved a bit. I tried to hold her accountable for her actions like when she argues unnecessarily and but they way how she feels always trumps how I feel. Sometimes it feels like my feelings don't exist and when I tell her about my hurts she just takes it personal and it eventually gets back to me trying to help the way she is feeling and what I was talking about in the first place gets dashed to the side. I don't know what again to do.

*welcome*

Many of us, including myself, have experienced exactly what you are describing. The good news is that there are many tools and lessons here to help you change your situation that have been successful to others.

It's good to hear that you are defining and maintaining boundaries. That's a great start!

How long have the two of you been together? Married? Living together? Just dating? Children? Tell us a bit more about your situation and I'm sure that someone can offer advice.

Has she been diagnosed with BPD, or do you suspect that she is a person with BPD?

Either way, if she's presenting BPD traits, I'd suggest that you learn all that you can about the disorder and how it affects people. There are some great resources here for that. You can start by reading the threads of others here and I'm sure that you'll not only find valuable information, but also that you are not alone in what you have been experiencing.

I look forward to reading more of your story. Take care of yourself.

Meili thank you so much for responding. We are not married we have been living together for the past 4 years we have no children. She did an online diagnostic test that said she has 5 symptoms of BPD. She was abused by her mom so that could be the reason for it. She can be really loving when she is not under the influence but when that trigger goes off... .
I love her so much and want nothing more than to help her get better but it is really hard sometime. Our last big fight was because I was a bit late in picking her up from hanging out with her best friend. She went off the deep end accused me of being with someone else that is why I was like 20 mins late, she dressed up for me and didn't get the reaction she wanted. It was like a 5 hour argument. That was like two months ago. My boundary was set. She told me I don't need to pick her up from work and or gym like I usually do and I stopped. I did because this is something she always does. Whenever she gets upset she lashes out by saying you don't need to do this or that for me anymore. I asked her to stop doing it and she maintained so I decided to not do it so she takes public transport to and from work. Thing is she makes me feel that by me not doing what I asked her not to do based on anger that I don't care for her anymore because she has to take public transport. I am trying to have her respect boundaries and I am hoping that over time she stops this habit of telling me don't do this for her or that for her when she is upset. Thing is we had another argument because I told her how things that she does affects me she took it personally and then said since she is such a burden to my life I don't need to speak to her which in essence is the same thing she is doing all over again. What should I do now?

These types of situations are very frustrating, to say the least. I remember going round and round with my uBPDexgf for hours on end with no resolution. I had to learn to stop doing that. I was just as guilty as she was for continuing the argument.

Many of us follow that path because we believe that if we explain ourselves in just the right way that our SO will finally understand our point of view. Learning about Ending Conflict  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict) can be very useful in situations like these.

I completely understand and agree with you about maintaining your boundaries when your SO says things like, ":)on't pick me up from work anymore." I would do the same as you and not pick her up. But, I wonder, at what point do you start to pick her up again, or is it an all or nothing thing for you? If she asked you to start picking her up again, would you?

Hey Tel,

Thanks for sharing your experience. Good for you of setting boundaries! I haven't gotten there yet, but will be setting some soon. I'm actually currently thinking it would be best for me and my borderline bf to live apart hopefully continuing our relationship. But, what I have found is that I cannot come to him with my feelings. You said it feels like your SO feelings always trumps yours. YES. In their mind, it does and they honestly don't have the capacity to deal with our feelings. They can hardly handle their own. So, I've found that I have to turn to family and friends for support and deal with my feelings in other ways. On some occasions, after dealing with my feelings and having a neutral disposition, I have come to my bf to tell him how I felt before and why. Most times though, this just brought the situation back to his attention and created an argument all over again. Sigh. This is hard. I feel for you.

Be careful of over-generalizing and painting all of those who present BPD traits with the same brush. They are not all the same and the symptoms one expresses are not necessarily the symptoms that the next will.

That being said, while I understand how the conclusion was reached, the above quote is not necessarily true. I found that it was typically how I presented my feelings to my pwBPD that caused the trouble. Just like with any relationship, we have to learn how our SO communicates and receives the information that we are trying to give them. Each individual responds in a manner that is as unique as the individual.

There are some basic tools, like not JADE'ing; using S.E.T., P.U.V.A.S., or D.E.A.R.M.A.N.; and validating/not invalidating that can help establish healthier communication with everyone we encounter, disordered or not, and help us be heard.

Welcome to this site.

Please make use of all the advice, support & education that is available from staff, members, & literature here.

Best wishes.

I think I will resume picking her up when I feel comfortable that she understands that the reactive behavior is unacceptable. For example today we were speaking about something and she told me I can block her on whatsapp and not talk to her that shows me that she still not getting it so I will wait it out